Is it Possible to Get Carpal Tunnel From Swiping Left Too Much?

Well folks, I have decided to rejoin the online dating world.  Those who know me are well aware that I've said “NEVER AGAIN”.  As the old saying goes; never say never.  I took an extended dating hiatus and now feel ready to put myself out there.  So here I am jumping into the ocean of fish…or should I say guppies?  Would it be wrong of me to attach a link to my blogs for some of these guys to read with a note that says “Hey, thanks for reaching out.  I think you should read some of these blogs on the attached link for helpful tips for the future.”?  Too much?  Yeah, you’re probably right.

Before swiping left or right became a thing, people actually took the time to read the profile and then make contact.  Our society has become so visually driven that the mentality is: see a pretty picture - make contact.  Who cares that you have absolutely nothing in common based on the things you say you are looking for.  Shame on me for actually reading the profiles before replying or messaging anyone.  I’m not looking to waste someone’s time. 

Grounds for swiping left include but are not limited to:

·         Deal breakers – we all have them.  Kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, religion, politics

·         No profile pictures – it’s only fair…post a picture.  Everyone has at least one.

·         Scary profile pictures – if you look like a serial killer in your picture – I may swipe left

·         Obvious FAKE profile pictures / profiles

·         Inappropriate profile pictures

·         Geography

·         Profile description empty

·         Profile description does not match

·         Profile description is negative

Swiping left can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you for not being interested in so many people however it’s important to remember that the swipe feature on most apps does not pull from the people that match what you are looking for but rather pulls from app’s database.  There is nothing wrong with being selective.  You should be.  You have a lot to offer a relationship and you should not lower your standards or settle for someone less than just to potentially get into a relationship.  You're not single because you're broken.  You're single because you're looking to meet the right person for you.

I believe many of us are genuinely looking for love.  Please don’t let the heart emojis cloud your judgment.  There are a lot of catfish out there.  There are a lot of people who are not who they seem.  People can be anyone they want to be when hiding behind a computer screen.  Be open.  Give people a chance.  Just don’t be so blinded by your desire for love that your brain takes a back seat.  When your brain and your heart work together…magical things can happen.

The About Me section is your way to make a great first impression or go down in flames.  Don’t waste it by being negative about the app or the people on it.  Anyone who has been on a dating site before knows how tough it can be to meet quality people.  Use this opportunity to show them why you're different.  Not everyone you email is going to be interested.  Don’t get discouraged.  Say something more than "Hi" if you want a real response.  Maybe reference something that caught your attention in their profile and ask them a question about it.  

I recently have a guy message me late at night.  Strike 1.  The ding on my phone woke me up.  I looked at the message and then looked at his profile.  His "about me" section was so negative; I just moved on.  Strike 2.  The next morning, he sent me a message that was accusing me of not responding because he doesn’t look like George Clooney and other passive aggressive nonsense.  Strike 3.  I politely told him that I don’t think he’s a very nice person and we should just leave at that.  Then I used this amazing invention called BLOCK.  Just like that - he's out. 

There are lots of characters out there.  Since they don’t know you, they will initially treat you as they know how to.  It’s important to set boundaries.  This is how they will get to know you and adjust how they treat you based on what you allow.  Think about this.  Do you think guys would continue to send inappropriate pictures and messages if every woman was offended?  I don’t.  There’s probably been at least 1 or 2 women that has liked or engaged in that type communication with them so that’s what has become the lead in approach for some of these guys.  It’s become their barometer to gauge how far they can push things with you.  For me – they get a swift swipe left.  Keep it classy guys.

What do you think?  Is it possible to get carpal tunnel from swiping left too much?

Happy Fishing!

When Zombies Attack!

No, I don’t mean the cast from The Walking Dead.  I mean the “EX” that shows up out of the blue.  I don’t think I will every truly understand why they think that it’s ok to just reappear out of seemingly thin air and stir things up.  What is there to gain?  What do they expect to happen?  You are an ex for a reason.  Many times, when the zombies return, the reason is even more clear than when the break-up first happened.

An ex of mine from over 10 years ago…yes, you read it right – 10 YEARS AGO; reached out to me recently because “he wants to show me how much he’s changed.”  Sweet right?  Think again.  His approach and the conversation that followed showed me that not only has he not changed but was sadly in the same exact place emotionally as he was all those years ago.  He has not grown at all.  I thought to myself - I’ve been Zombie-ed!  Let’s just say our relationship was not a healthy one and did not end well.  There were many promises followed by countless let downs.  I forgave him a long time ago, but it does not mean that I want him in my life.

When we are at a crossroads in our lives and see others moving forward with theirs, it’s common to think:  When were you last happy?  Who have you wronged in your life?  What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?  Add in a few cocktails, and you get the Zombie effect.  The fact that he reached out to me had very little to do with me and everything to do with his ego.  The entire conversation was very one-sided.  At no point during our short exchange did he ask anything about my life. He didn’t care if I was in a relationship, married, have kids etc.  All that mattered in this moment was that he wanted to get stuff off his chest and was going to tell me what he wants going forward for “US”.  The problem is that we stopped being an “US” years ago.  His wants and needs are no longer my concern.  I made sure to remind him of this.

Why do I share this? Zombie attacks are on the rise.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we need to be armed and ready.  You never know when they will strike.  As we get older, people from our past seem to resurface more frequently than not.  Thanks, Social Media.  I am a firm believer that people can change and grow.  If this is the case listen to what the zombie has to say. Change is possible.  Actions will demonstrate growth faster than words ever could.  If you are not interested; be direct, firm in your convictions and state your intentions clearly.  If you are still feeling attacked by a zombie –you are not alone.  Please understand it’s their ego.  They can’t let go and forgive themselves for what they have done and the pain they’ve caused.  “I’m sorry.  You didn’t deserve it.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me” are just a few of the lines that the zombies will start out with.  Believe me, it will grow old fast.  I’m sure if you think back to your relationship, you will recall hearing all of these same things when you were together.

People need to come correct or not come at all!

After I hung up the phone, I smiled. Not because I killed a zombie (cool visual though). I smiled because this exchange showed me that I am not the same woman who fell for empty promises.  I no longer make excuses for his antics and recognize what he’s trying to do.  In this scenario, the best reaction is no reaction.  Now hopefully you have some tips on how to combat them if it happens to you.  If the zombie situation escalates then BLOCK them on all communication methods possible. 

WARNING:  I do not recommend going out and hunting zombies.  If you seek out a zombie and make contact, there is a chance that you will become a zombie yourself. 

Know Your Worth - No Discounts

Dating is not easy.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  It’s not for the weak of faith.  You have to love yourself, know your worth, and be ready to defend it if/when you are challenged.  I grew up in a time when dating was easier.  You met.  You clicked.  They CALLED and asked you out for a date.  You  got dressed up and went out and took the time to get to know each other.  With online dating and a new app popping up every day; it seems people feel they know you just because they liked what you wrote in your bio or the pictures you shared.  They are quick to assume that you can fast forward through the getting to know you phase and go right into the “getting to REALLY know you” phase; if you know what I mean.  I refuse to believe that this will be our new normal because of social media and technology.  You cannot take the human out of human connection.

I recently went out with a guy I met online.  We exchanged messages for less than a day and met up the next night for our date.  It had all the makings of a promising date.  Nice guy, good conversation, nice atmosphere.  We talked about a range of topics and also delved into what we are looking for in a relationship.  We talked about how important it is to take the time to get to know each other before rushing intimacy or commitment.   At the end, I agreed to a second date.  We met for the second date a few days later.  I think it’s important to note that in between the dates; we texted sporadically but never spoke on the phone to continue to get to know each other.  Our second date was mid-week, which meant it was a bit more casual because we were both heading home after a long day at the office.  The conversation flowed but not as smoothly as on the first date.  We weren’t really connecting on that “date” level.  As he walked me to my car, he instantly suggested going back to his place.  I was completely put off.  Were we on the same date?  We don’t know each other, having spent a total of maybe 3 hours since meeting a few days prior.  Why would he even think that would be a possibly?  I politely declined the advance and we continued our walk to my car.  He again made the suggestion and I reminded him more directly of my previous answer which was NO.  We parted ways and at this point, I knew we would not be seeing each other again.

I share this tale because we often find ourselves in situations where we have to make a choice.  Do we remain true to ourselves and our values or do we sacrifice what we hold dear because someone is trying to make us feel a certain way about our position?  People can often try to pressure us into a situation we are not comfortable with by verbally painting a facade of their true intentions.  His reasoning for wanting me to go back to his place was that he wanted to spend more time with me.  Flattering?  Absolutely.  However, if he really wanted to spend more time with me – we could have gone somewhere else for a part 2 of the date (bowling, shooting pool, listen to music somewhere).  His true intention was not to spend more time with me in the same way as I would expect after 2 dates.  Thanks to birth of “Netflix and Chill” we don’t have to wonder about the intentions behind these types of invitations.

In relationships – I live by the rule of say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you have both agreed that you want to take things slow and get to know each other; then this is exactly how it will go because you are on the same page.  If someone wants you to be “their girl” they will do everything in their power to make sure you are.  If someone tells you they love you then you will feel loved every day by that person.  You have to know your worth and what you expect from your relationships before actually getting into them.  Know the intentions behind the words you say.  Set your boundaries and be clear about them so that if someone is not treating you in a manner that you are comfortable with – the choice to walk away from the situation is easy.

Remember, you are a unique.  There is no one else like you.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy, loving relationship with someone who values you for all the qualities you possess.  YOU decide how you will allow yourself to be treated.  Know your worth.  Live your truth.  Love the person you are because you’ve fought like hell to become you.