Don’t Call it a Comeback

 
I’ve always been a huge LL Cool J fan.  Who knew, right?  Mama Said Knock You Out is one of my favorite songs.  It always gets me revved up and pumped to take on the world.  The line ‘Don’t call it a comeback I been here for years’ has always hit deep for me and as I continue to grow and evolve as a person – it’s taken on new meaning.
 
How many times have people counted us out? 
How many times have we taken ourselves out of the game? 
How many times have we put others before ourselves? 
How many of us has lost ourselves in the relationships we had?
 
When relationships end, we find ourselves in a place of having to figure out who we are without being defined by the relationship.  How do you go back to being a ME when you got so used to be a WE?  We talk about finding ourselves like we were lost.  We must stop losing ourselves in order to make relationships work.  You must play in active role in your life, or your needs will get lost.
 
The pandemic forced many of us to look inward.  Some became bakers - wowing all their social media followers with banana bread and sour dough bread pictures.  Some decided to go on a health & wellness journey.  Some relationships were just getting started while others had finally run their course.  I found myself taking stock of my life and asking questions like:
 
What/who in my life makes me happy & why?
What/who in my life makes me unhappy & why?
What are things I’d like to work on?
What are things in my life that I am proud of and want to continue doing?
 
On the surface these questions felt easy to answer, but when I sat down to really think about the answers to them – the process felt overwhelming.  Looking inward is not easy.  Being honest with yourself about personal things is not easy.  We’d like to believe that we are perfect and that nothing is ever our fault.  It’s always someone else who has done us wrong.  Hate to burst your bubble – no one is perfect.   
 
For example, your partner has been mistreating you for a while.  Basically, hitting you in the head with red flag after red flag.  Instead of seeing the red flags as red flags, you decide to put them together and make yourself a scarf.  When the relationship finally ends – who’s fault is it?  His for mistreating you or yours for not having the self-worth & gusto to walk away after seeing the red flags?  You can ask these questions in just about any scenario. 
 
I can tell you that when some of my past relationships ended – it took me longer to forgive myself for not leaving sooner than it did to forgive them for not treating me well.  That was a tough pill to swallow.  There comes a point in everyone’s life where enough is enough.  You pull yourself out of the darkness and find your truest self again.  This is the greatest gift you can give yourself. 
 
So just a few little tidbits to think about for yourself.
 
Don’t call it a comeback.  It’s actually more of a Glow Up.
You didn’t break up.  You had a breakthrough.
You’re not lost.  You’re taking the scenic route to discovering yourself.
You don’t have exes.  You have examples of what you don’t want in your next relationship.

Dating Post Pandemic

I know it’s been a very long time since I have written a blog, but I had to take a break.  I think sometimes we all hit a wall and need to step away.  One thing is for certain, dating has NOT gotten any easier as we venture into the post pandemic era of the Covid crisis.  Yes, I know there are variants etc.  Not relevant to this blog though.

I’ve recently signed up for a couple dating apps because I’m ready to find my person.  Notice I did not say Mr. Right.  Ladies & Gents – Mr. /Ms. Right does not exist.  I believe there is a person out there for everyone; they are not going to perfect, but they will be who you are meant to be with at that time in your life.  They may be a bit bruised/dented like cans at the grocery store.  Please do not ask for a discount.  The person you are meant to be with is worth the effort.

So far, I’ve met Mr. Scam Artist / Mr. NOT Single / Mr. Ghosted / Mr. Please Be My Mrs. Robinson (The Graduate – look it up).  For someone like myself who has dated for many years but been out of the game for a while it is a bit frustrating to see how tough it really is to meet quality people.  Some of these Misters are very easy to spot and dismiss but I’ll say the scam artists and the people who are not single though pretend to be on the apps have really stepped up their game the past few years.

Here’s what I have found with the Scam Artist (male/female):

·       Sentence structure and word choices tell you they are not from the US

·       Often, they will claim to be widowers, military, or are overseas for work.  Have young children which they use as a pawn.

·       They almost always suggest getting off the app to speak offline on What’s App or similar apps.

·       They will tell you every amazing thing you could imagine about yourself.  I mean – who doesn’t like to be complimented…these scammers take it to a whole other level.

·       Let’s not forget, they will somehow work into the conversation that they need some money and to please send as a gift card.  They will promise to pay you back when you meet.

·       The more recent add on to the list would be that they want to send you a package to hold for them.  Really, they want your address and as much personal info so they can destroy your life.

 Stay Woke!!!

 Mr. NOT Single is a sneaky one for sure.  These days it’s very common to meet people who are divorced or fresh out of other relationships.  How are we supposed to know if someone is divorced or lying?  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but after a recent encounter with this character, I may need to rethink my strategy a bit. 

 Story Time!  Let’s all sit in a circle on the story time rug and I’ll begin.

Once upon a time a beautiful maiden joined a dating app called Plenty of Guppies…oh sorry, I meant Plenty of Fish.  As she filtered through the suitors with their strong opening messages of Hi…she came across a message from a one fish who asked great questions – many of which were from her profile.  His responses were well thought out and witty.  Let’s call him Mr. Unicorn.  He said all the right things, he was consistent in communication by phone and text, and they were genuinely enjoying getting to know each other. 

They made plans for a date.  Yes, the ‘magical’ first date!  Everything was going swimmingly…no pun intended.  OK, maybe a little pun was intended.  The plan was made, rescheduled, bumped again, and then finally confirmed.  The maiden arrives to the restaurant to find that Mr. Unicorn is not coming by text.  Yes, he sent a text.  This must be a mistake.  The maiden calls him.  No answer.  She texts him.  Again, no reply.  This must be a joke.  This just cannot be.  The maiden drives home disappointed and confused.  

The maiden takes some time and then the investigation begins.  You know the saying - “A woman scorned does better research than the FBI”.  The fair maiden discovered that he’s not divorced.  He does not live in the town he said he lives in, and the name he gave is his middle name. 

We all know it’s his loss.  She’ll meet someone when she least expects it.  She dodged a bullet.  Better to know now than 6 months down the line.  There’s no doubt that all these statements are true.  But Mr. Unicorn hid those red flags very well and fooled the maiden.  At least initially.

There must be a moral to the story, right?  Yes, of course.  Unicorns don’t exist.  (I couldn’t resist)

Pay attention to inconsistencies no matter how subtle.  Dating doesn’t have to be an interview;  don’t be afraid to ask the important questions.  Don’t get caught up in “great on paper”.  Compliments are nice but when you don’t know each other they are empty.  Don’t get caught up in the future talk when you don’t know each other.  Think of it as one date at a time.  Until you are exclusive – they owe you nothing. 

What’s next you ask?  Sky’s the limit.  Never quit because it’s hard.  Push harder.

Until next time…Happy Fishing.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We have all found ourselves in situations where we wonder “Should I stay or should I go?”.  Making the decision is the hardest part.  I don’t know anyone who wants to fail.  Sometimes giving up on something / someone you have invested so much time into can feel like you’ve failed.  The reality is – failing is staying in a situation that doesn’t bring you joy and doing nothing about it.  Happiness is a choice.  If someone is not enhancing your life by being a part of it; why would you stay?

In the past, I have definitely held on too tightly in relationships with people who could let go of me so easily.  I was a fixer so I tried to fix every wounded bird I found.  The problem with healing these wounded birds was that when they were all better – they flew away.  Many of them went on to find happiness with someone new.  I would be left thinking – why couldn’t they find happiness with me?  I did everything I could to make them happy but they walked away.  Read the previous sentence again.  Where in that statement were they doing anything to make me happy?  It was all about the things I did for them.  My needs weren’t even a part the equation.  Frankly, I wasn't a part of the equation.  

Let me tell you, coming to that realization felt like a punch to the gut.  Conversely, it was just the kick in the pants I needed to get to where I am now.  Taking a break from relationships allowed me the time to take a deeper look at what was important to me.  What I need, what I don’t need, and what I absolutely will not allow in any of my relationships are just some of the key things I focused on figuring out. 

Walking away is not easy.  Often times, we need to walk away from a situation to gain clarity into what we truly want.  Sometimes it leads us back to the same person with a fresh perspective.  You know the old saying - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".  Sometimes it leads us on a brand new path that is completely unexpected.  Either way – we will find ourselves in a different place emotionally and that's what this journey is all about.

Sometimes we stay because we care too much to go.  Sometimes we stay because having what we have is better than not having anything at all.  Many times we become defined by the relationship so much so that we don’t know who we would be if we weren’t a “WE”.  This thought gets magnified the longer you’ve been a “WE”.  It is important to remember that you as an individual are just as important as you are as part of a “WE”.  You have value.  You bring a lot to any table.  Do not allow yourself to become so defined by your relationship status that if your status changes; you feel lost.

It is natural to mourn the change in status.  I promise not to sit here and tell you how long you are supposed to grieve the ending.  There is no formula.  To all the people that claim that you should grieve for ½ the length of the relationship – you cannot put a time limit on anyone’s grief.  People have to go through the phases as they see fit and not what society dictates as the norm.  I can tell you that you will have days where you feel invincible.  You will have days where it is a chore to even leave the house.  Surround yourself with positive people who can support you during both. *Note – they may not be the same people.

If you find yourself at a crossroad in your relationship, all I ask is that you make a decision and not allow yourself to live in a holding pattern out of fear or pity.  Don’t be afraid to make a hard choice which could help you get closer to finding your joy.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship.  Go out and find it.

Gone Fishing

I’m back from my writing and dating sabbatical.  Did you miss me?  Hopefully I’m refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to jump back in with both feet into this wonderful world of dating.  My renewed energy has got me thinking.  Dangerous; I know.  Dating is a lot like fishing.  You need patience, good bait, and a strong line to reel in that mighty big fish.  Sometimes even with all the right things; you still don’t catch a thing.   Sometimes it’s just not your day.  Humor me as we delve deeper into this “gone fishing” theory.

Patience

We live in an “I NEED IT NOW” world and the universe wants us to wait for the right person to come along?  Is the universe crazy?  Patience is a virtue that most people don’t have.  We’re so busy focusing on what we don’t have and why we don’t have it that we miss an opportunity that’s staring us right in the face.  What we should be focusing on is making sure that we are doing everything we can to be ready for when the right opportunity presents itself.  Make sure your mind, body, and spirit are in alignment.  

We need to slow down and enjoy the stillness.  I’ve said this before and I will say it again.  Had I met "THE ONE" during the past couple years – I would not have noticed, appreciated, or known what to do with him.  Live your life.  Take that trip.  Spend time with the people who matter.  STOP and I mean STOP focusing on what you don’t have or being envious of what others have.  You never know what goes on behind closed doors.  No one’s life is perfect…even those who have found “the one”.

Have Good Bait

When it comes to dating; everyone has their wants, must haves, and deal breakers.  Some people’s lists are realistic.  Some of them will leave you scratching your head.  Some of them will leave you wondering what planet they are living on.  Think for a moment about what bait YOU are putting on your line.  For example, you might say you want someone who is athletic.  Are you athletic?  What bait are you using to attract someone who is athletic?  Are you sharing photos and stories of you hiking, working out, and being active?

Side note – Athletic does not mean you took a brisk walk once.  Describing one’s self as athletic leads people to assume that you’re active in sports, outdoor activities, working out etc.  Be honest when describing yourself as it does set an expectation for the person viewing the profile.  Eventually if all goes well - you will end up meeting each other.

We know the opposites attract thing can work however it’s important to be truthful with what is really important to you when it comes to matters of the heart.  If you want someone making 6 figures (with the commas in the right places) – be  prepared that this person is probably going to work long hours and may not be able to just drop everything at a moment’s notice.  What kind of finances are you bringing to the table?  Does your work ethic align with theirs?  Again, you have to have right bait to get a fish to grab hold of the line.

Strong Line

We all get so excited when a fish finally grabs hold.  Instinctively we jump into action and start trying to reel it in.  You’re fighting, pulling, and yanking that rod in hopes of not losing the fish.  Sometimes we catch ourselves fighting so hard to reel in that fish that we miss some important details like “Is this even a fish?” and we end up catching a toilet seat.  All that work for nothing.

Have you ever found yourself so excited to have met someone…anyone, that you overlook some important facts?  This is one of the most common ways to end up with a toilet seat.  How do you know that this is the right person if you have not taken the time to get to know them and to let them get to know you?  Stop trying to reel someone in so fast and take the time to get to them.  How many times has that fish taken your bait and left you hanging?  Now you’re tired, annoyed, and have no fish to show for it.  I hope this has given you some things to think about. 

Happy Fishing!

It’s Valentine’s Day and You’re “Single”

Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Single Awareness Day is upon us.  Better start crying because you’re single…NOT!  There is nothing wrong with being single.  I repeat…there is nothing wrong with being single.  The rest of the year - your friends who are married or in relationships will want to live vicariously through you because you are single and “free”. 

All of us would love to have someone special to celebrate Valentine’s Day with.  The key words are someone special.  Many of us just have not met the right person.  This in no way makes you less than.  It just means it’s not your time.  Timing is everything.  Think about where you were a few months ago or a year ago.  Do you think you would have recognized “the one” if they presented themselves?  In my case I know I wouldn’t have.  I was closed off, focusing on all the wrong things/people and didn’t trust my gut.  If you don’t trust yourself; how can you expect to trust someone else?

Whether you’ve been single for a long time or newly single I encourage you to do something that brings you joy on and around this day.  If you’re having fun – you’re less likely to think about what the day represents.  You are more than your dating status.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Single is not a disease.  The cure for the “Cupid Blues” is being happy and having fun.  Buy yourself some flowers and chocolates.  Go have an amazing meal somewhere with friends/family.

If you are actively looking to be in a relationship – think about what you’re doing and where you’re going.  Change things up.  Try a new dating app.  Go to a new place with your wing person.  Go to a new place by yourself and stay off your phone!  Strike up conversations with people.  I’ve met some of the coolest people just sitting at the bar.  No expectations, no preconceived notions, just pure laid back conversation.  We live on our phones and computers these days – hone your conversation skills.

If you’re on a dating sabbatical – keep doing what you’re doing.  When you’re ready to share your life with someone, everything will fall into place.  Why?  Because the timing will be right.  What if it doesn’t happen right away?  Well then it’s not the right time.  It’s not just about when your time is right but it’s when the timing for both of you is right.  Otherwise it will never work.  I saw a quote a while back that resonated with me. 

“If you want to make God laugh; tell Him your plans.”

You only live once.  Make the most of it.  Travel, fall in love, find your passion and chase your dreams.  Never be defined by your status.  You are more than.  Read it again and this time with feeling.  YOU ARE MORE THAN.  No more crying and feeling sorry for yourself because you’re single.  Don’t you realize how lucky you are?  Your love story is still being written.  Enjoy the journey.

Is it Possible to Get Carpal Tunnel From Swiping Left Too Much?

Well folks, I have decided to rejoin the online dating world.  Those who know me are well aware that I've said “NEVER AGAIN”.  As the old saying goes; never say never.  I took an extended dating hiatus and now feel ready to put myself out there.  So here I am jumping into the ocean of fish…or should I say guppies?  Would it be wrong of me to attach a link to my blogs for some of these guys to read with a note that says “Hey, thanks for reaching out.  I think you should read some of these blogs on the attached link for helpful tips for the future.”?  Too much?  Yeah, you’re probably right.

Before swiping left or right became a thing, people actually took the time to read the profile and then make contact.  Our society has become so visually driven that the mentality is: see a pretty picture - make contact.  Who cares that you have absolutely nothing in common based on the things you say you are looking for.  Shame on me for actually reading the profiles before replying or messaging anyone.  I’m not looking to waste someone’s time. 

Grounds for swiping left include but are not limited to:

·         Deal breakers – we all have them.  Kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, religion, politics

·         No profile pictures – it’s only fair…post a picture.  Everyone has at least one.

·         Scary profile pictures – if you look like a serial killer in your picture – I may swipe left

·         Obvious FAKE profile pictures / profiles

·         Inappropriate profile pictures

·         Geography

·         Profile description empty

·         Profile description does not match

·         Profile description is negative

Swiping left can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you for not being interested in so many people however it’s important to remember that the swipe feature on most apps does not pull from the people that match what you are looking for but rather pulls from app’s database.  There is nothing wrong with being selective.  You should be.  You have a lot to offer a relationship and you should not lower your standards or settle for someone less than just to potentially get into a relationship.  You're not single because you're broken.  You're single because you're looking to meet the right person for you.

I believe many of us are genuinely looking for love.  Please don’t let the heart emojis cloud your judgment.  There are a lot of catfish out there.  There are a lot of people who are not who they seem.  People can be anyone they want to be when hiding behind a computer screen.  Be open.  Give people a chance.  Just don’t be so blinded by your desire for love that your brain takes a back seat.  When your brain and your heart work together…magical things can happen.

The About Me section is your way to make a great first impression or go down in flames.  Don’t waste it by being negative about the app or the people on it.  Anyone who has been on a dating site before knows how tough it can be to meet quality people.  Use this opportunity to show them why you're different.  Not everyone you email is going to be interested.  Don’t get discouraged.  Say something more than "Hi" if you want a real response.  Maybe reference something that caught your attention in their profile and ask them a question about it.  

I recently have a guy message me late at night.  Strike 1.  The ding on my phone woke me up.  I looked at the message and then looked at his profile.  His "about me" section was so negative; I just moved on.  Strike 2.  The next morning, he sent me a message that was accusing me of not responding because he doesn’t look like George Clooney and other passive aggressive nonsense.  Strike 3.  I politely told him that I don’t think he’s a very nice person and we should just leave at that.  Then I used this amazing invention called BLOCK.  Just like that - he's out. 

There are lots of characters out there.  Since they don’t know you, they will initially treat you as they know how to.  It’s important to set boundaries.  This is how they will get to know you and adjust how they treat you based on what you allow.  Think about this.  Do you think guys would continue to send inappropriate pictures and messages if every woman was offended?  I don’t.  There’s probably been at least 1 or 2 women that has liked or engaged in that type communication with them so that’s what has become the lead in approach for some of these guys.  It’s become their barometer to gauge how far they can push things with you.  For me – they get a swift swipe left.  Keep it classy guys.

What do you think?  Is it possible to get carpal tunnel from swiping left too much?

Happy Fishing!

When Zombies Attack!

No, I don’t mean the cast from The Walking Dead.  I mean the “EX” that shows up out of the blue.  I don’t think I will every truly understand why they think that it’s ok to just reappear out of seemingly thin air and stir things up.  What is there to gain?  What do they expect to happen?  You are an ex for a reason.  Many times, when the zombies return, the reason is even more clear than when the break-up first happened.

An ex of mine from over 10 years ago…yes, you read it right – 10 YEARS AGO; reached out to me recently because “he wants to show me how much he’s changed.”  Sweet right?  Think again.  His approach and the conversation that followed showed me that not only has he not changed but was sadly in the same exact place emotionally as he was all those years ago.  He has not grown at all.  I thought to myself - I’ve been Zombie-ed!  Let’s just say our relationship was not a healthy one and did not end well.  There were many promises followed by countless let downs.  I forgave him a long time ago, but it does not mean that I want him in my life.

When we are at a crossroads in our lives and see others moving forward with theirs, it’s common to think:  When were you last happy?  Who have you wronged in your life?  What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?  Add in a few cocktails, and you get the Zombie effect.  The fact that he reached out to me had very little to do with me and everything to do with his ego.  The entire conversation was very one-sided.  At no point during our short exchange did he ask anything about my life. He didn’t care if I was in a relationship, married, have kids etc.  All that mattered in this moment was that he wanted to get stuff off his chest and was going to tell me what he wants going forward for “US”.  The problem is that we stopped being an “US” years ago.  His wants and needs are no longer my concern.  I made sure to remind him of this.

Why do I share this? Zombie attacks are on the rise.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we need to be armed and ready.  You never know when they will strike.  As we get older, people from our past seem to resurface more frequently than not.  Thanks, Social Media.  I am a firm believer that people can change and grow.  If this is the case listen to what the zombie has to say. Change is possible.  Actions will demonstrate growth faster than words ever could.  If you are not interested; be direct, firm in your convictions and state your intentions clearly.  If you are still feeling attacked by a zombie –you are not alone.  Please understand it’s their ego.  They can’t let go and forgive themselves for what they have done and the pain they’ve caused.  “I’m sorry.  You didn’t deserve it.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me” are just a few of the lines that the zombies will start out with.  Believe me, it will grow old fast.  I’m sure if you think back to your relationship, you will recall hearing all of these same things when you were together.

People need to come correct or not come at all!

After I hung up the phone, I smiled. Not because I killed a zombie (cool visual though). I smiled because this exchange showed me that I am not the same woman who fell for empty promises.  I no longer make excuses for his antics and recognize what he’s trying to do.  In this scenario, the best reaction is no reaction.  Now hopefully you have some tips on how to combat them if it happens to you.  If the zombie situation escalates then BLOCK them on all communication methods possible. 

WARNING:  I do not recommend going out and hunting zombies.  If you seek out a zombie and make contact, there is a chance that you will become a zombie yourself.