“It’s Not You It’s Me” may sound cliché. But often times this is exactly what is meant. Sometimes it’s the reverse – “It’s Not Me It’s
You”. In our lives we may have ended
relationships with people who were great but they weren’t great for us. People have ended relationships with us
because we just weren’t a good fit for them.
I know many use this as a cop out.
No one wants to have that tough conversation when the other person wants
to know “WHY” you are ending the relationship.
There is always a reason for the ending of a relationship. It’s just a matter of if we get the real
reason.
It’s hard not to take a break up personally. We second guess everything we felt or said
throughout the entire relationship trying to rationalize what we could have
done differently to make you want to be with us. Suddenly this person who we had lukewarm
feelings for in the first place is the most important relationship of our lives
and we need to know why they don’t want to be with us. Often, those red flags we were seeing in the
relationship now seem like little bumps in the road that we totally could have
worked through. All for the sake of
being in a relationship.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Being
single is not a disease. We’ve all
sat there making excuses for the ones we are with because we want to
rationalize their behavior. Sometimes
there is no rhyme or reason as to why someone acts the way they do except that
they are not the ones for us. Everyone
goes through things in life. People
process emotions differently. Some
people pull away and just need space in order to figure things out. Some people need more than space and need a
break. Hence the old Friends
episode: “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” A break is not always a break up but sometimes
it is. Navigating this is part of
relationships. It’s not always easy,
it’s often times messy but it’s also a part of life.
I look back on some of my relationships and think:
·
What the heck was I thinking?
·
How could they change so fast?
·
Wow, dodged a bullet there.
·
Why did I stay so long?
·
Did I not stay long enough?
It’s important to reflect and think about what happened
in our relationships. In some cases, we
have to accept that we were wrong about the person. Sometimes people are not who we believe or
want them to be. And sometimes they are exactly
who they have always been but we chose not to look deep enough. We try to rationalize warning signs because
we want to be open and not judgmental.
However it’s important that we not simply breeze past those big orange
cones warning us about danger ahead for the sake of trying to be open and
non-judgmental.
Have you ever found yourself saying things like:
·
They’ve got a lot going on right now.
·
I’m just giving them some time/space to figure
things out.
·
He / She is just so busy with work.
·
They are really nice when you get to know them.
·
I know that when things settle down things will
get back on track.
Relationships take work.
Guess what? Everyone has a lot of
things going on these days. Between
family, friends, and work – the amount of free time has become more and more
limited. The days of a true 9-5 job are
gone. Thanks to the fast paced world we
now live in; we all need answers to even the easiest questions – NOW! Thanks in large part to technology – people’s
communication skills have suffered. I
know that I have said this before but communication
is the building block of every good relationship. We have to be able to work through our
differences and celebrate our successes.
Being in a relationship does not mean that everything is instantly
perfect. Things are going to get
messy. You’re going to fight and
disagree. You’re going to love and
laugh. Make sure that you are not
blinded by the bliss of being in a relationship that miss the important signs just
ahead.
