Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We have all found ourselves in situations where we wonder “Should I stay or should I go?”.  Making the decision is the hardest part.  I don’t know anyone who wants to fail.  Sometimes giving up on something / someone you have invested so much time into can feel like you’ve failed.  The reality is – failing is staying in a situation that doesn’t bring you joy and doing nothing about it.  Happiness is a choice.  If someone is not enhancing your life by being a part of it; why would you stay?

In the past, I have definitely held on too tightly in relationships with people who could let go of me so easily.  I was a fixer so I tried to fix every wounded bird I found.  The problem with healing these wounded birds was that when they were all better – they flew away.  Many of them went on to find happiness with someone new.  I would be left thinking – why couldn’t they find happiness with me?  I did everything I could to make them happy but they walked away.  Read the previous sentence again.  Where in that statement were they doing anything to make me happy?  It was all about the things I did for them.  My needs weren’t even a part the equation.  Frankly, I wasn't a part of the equation.  

Let me tell you, coming to that realization felt like a punch to the gut.  Conversely, it was just the kick in the pants I needed to get to where I am now.  Taking a break from relationships allowed me the time to take a deeper look at what was important to me.  What I need, what I don’t need, and what I absolutely will not allow in any of my relationships are just some of the key things I focused on figuring out. 

Walking away is not easy.  Often times, we need to walk away from a situation to gain clarity into what we truly want.  Sometimes it leads us back to the same person with a fresh perspective.  You know the old saying - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".  Sometimes it leads us on a brand new path that is completely unexpected.  Either way – we will find ourselves in a different place emotionally and that's what this journey is all about.

Sometimes we stay because we care too much to go.  Sometimes we stay because having what we have is better than not having anything at all.  Many times we become defined by the relationship so much so that we don’t know who we would be if we weren’t a “WE”.  This thought gets magnified the longer you’ve been a “WE”.  It is important to remember that you as an individual are just as important as you are as part of a “WE”.  You have value.  You bring a lot to any table.  Do not allow yourself to become so defined by your relationship status that if your status changes; you feel lost.

It is natural to mourn the change in status.  I promise not to sit here and tell you how long you are supposed to grieve the ending.  There is no formula.  To all the people that claim that you should grieve for ½ the length of the relationship – you cannot put a time limit on anyone’s grief.  People have to go through the phases as they see fit and not what society dictates as the norm.  I can tell you that you will have days where you feel invincible.  You will have days where it is a chore to even leave the house.  Surround yourself with positive people who can support you during both. *Note – they may not be the same people.

If you find yourself at a crossroad in your relationship, all I ask is that you make a decision and not allow yourself to live in a holding pattern out of fear or pity.  Don’t be afraid to make a hard choice which could help you get closer to finding your joy.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship.  Go out and find it.

Gone Fishing

I’m back from my writing and dating sabbatical.  Did you miss me?  Hopefully I’m refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to jump back in with both feet into this wonderful world of dating.  My renewed energy has got me thinking.  Dangerous; I know.  Dating is a lot like fishing.  You need patience, good bait, and a strong line to reel in that mighty big fish.  Sometimes even with all the right things; you still don’t catch a thing.   Sometimes it’s just not your day.  Humor me as we delve deeper into this “gone fishing” theory.

Patience

We live in an “I NEED IT NOW” world and the universe wants us to wait for the right person to come along?  Is the universe crazy?  Patience is a virtue that most people don’t have.  We’re so busy focusing on what we don’t have and why we don’t have it that we miss an opportunity that’s staring us right in the face.  What we should be focusing on is making sure that we are doing everything we can to be ready for when the right opportunity presents itself.  Make sure your mind, body, and spirit are in alignment.  

We need to slow down and enjoy the stillness.  I’ve said this before and I will say it again.  Had I met "THE ONE" during the past couple years – I would not have noticed, appreciated, or known what to do with him.  Live your life.  Take that trip.  Spend time with the people who matter.  STOP and I mean STOP focusing on what you don’t have or being envious of what others have.  You never know what goes on behind closed doors.  No one’s life is perfect…even those who have found “the one”.

Have Good Bait

When it comes to dating; everyone has their wants, must haves, and deal breakers.  Some people’s lists are realistic.  Some of them will leave you scratching your head.  Some of them will leave you wondering what planet they are living on.  Think for a moment about what bait YOU are putting on your line.  For example, you might say you want someone who is athletic.  Are you athletic?  What bait are you using to attract someone who is athletic?  Are you sharing photos and stories of you hiking, working out, and being active?

Side note – Athletic does not mean you took a brisk walk once.  Describing one’s self as athletic leads people to assume that you’re active in sports, outdoor activities, working out etc.  Be honest when describing yourself as it does set an expectation for the person viewing the profile.  Eventually if all goes well - you will end up meeting each other.

We know the opposites attract thing can work however it’s important to be truthful with what is really important to you when it comes to matters of the heart.  If you want someone making 6 figures (with the commas in the right places) – be  prepared that this person is probably going to work long hours and may not be able to just drop everything at a moment’s notice.  What kind of finances are you bringing to the table?  Does your work ethic align with theirs?  Again, you have to have right bait to get a fish to grab hold of the line.

Strong Line

We all get so excited when a fish finally grabs hold.  Instinctively we jump into action and start trying to reel it in.  You’re fighting, pulling, and yanking that rod in hopes of not losing the fish.  Sometimes we catch ourselves fighting so hard to reel in that fish that we miss some important details like “Is this even a fish?” and we end up catching a toilet seat.  All that work for nothing.

Have you ever found yourself so excited to have met someone…anyone, that you overlook some important facts?  This is one of the most common ways to end up with a toilet seat.  How do you know that this is the right person if you have not taken the time to get to know them and to let them get to know you?  Stop trying to reel someone in so fast and take the time to get to them.  How many times has that fish taken your bait and left you hanging?  Now you’re tired, annoyed, and have no fish to show for it.  I hope this has given you some things to think about. 

Happy Fishing!

It’s Valentine’s Day and You’re “Single”

Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Single Awareness Day is upon us.  Better start crying because you’re single…NOT!  There is nothing wrong with being single.  I repeat…there is nothing wrong with being single.  The rest of the year - your friends who are married or in relationships will want to live vicariously through you because you are single and “free”. 

All of us would love to have someone special to celebrate Valentine’s Day with.  The key words are someone special.  Many of us just have not met the right person.  This in no way makes you less than.  It just means it’s not your time.  Timing is everything.  Think about where you were a few months ago or a year ago.  Do you think you would have recognized “the one” if they presented themselves?  In my case I know I wouldn’t have.  I was closed off, focusing on all the wrong things/people and didn’t trust my gut.  If you don’t trust yourself; how can you expect to trust someone else?

Whether you’ve been single for a long time or newly single I encourage you to do something that brings you joy on and around this day.  If you’re having fun – you’re less likely to think about what the day represents.  You are more than your dating status.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Single is not a disease.  The cure for the “Cupid Blues” is being happy and having fun.  Buy yourself some flowers and chocolates.  Go have an amazing meal somewhere with friends/family.

If you are actively looking to be in a relationship – think about what you’re doing and where you’re going.  Change things up.  Try a new dating app.  Go to a new place with your wing person.  Go to a new place by yourself and stay off your phone!  Strike up conversations with people.  I’ve met some of the coolest people just sitting at the bar.  No expectations, no preconceived notions, just pure laid back conversation.  We live on our phones and computers these days – hone your conversation skills.

If you’re on a dating sabbatical – keep doing what you’re doing.  When you’re ready to share your life with someone, everything will fall into place.  Why?  Because the timing will be right.  What if it doesn’t happen right away?  Well then it’s not the right time.  It’s not just about when your time is right but it’s when the timing for both of you is right.  Otherwise it will never work.  I saw a quote a while back that resonated with me. 

“If you want to make God laugh; tell Him your plans.”

You only live once.  Make the most of it.  Travel, fall in love, find your passion and chase your dreams.  Never be defined by your status.  You are more than.  Read it again and this time with feeling.  YOU ARE MORE THAN.  No more crying and feeling sorry for yourself because you’re single.  Don’t you realize how lucky you are?  Your love story is still being written.  Enjoy the journey.