Single - Are We Really Brave?

I was speaking with a friend recently.  We both happen to be single and are experiencing the same ebbs and flows of dating in the world we live in.  One of the things we both seem to hear a lot from people is how "brave" we are when we do things on our own.
  

You're so brave to go to the movies by yourself. 

You're  so brave to go on vacation by yourself.

You're so brave to go out to eat by yourself.

Are we really "brave" for doing those things?  I don't think so.  We're confident and don't feel the need to wait for other people to do the things we'd like to do.  I think it's great that we are living our lives to the fullest and not waiting to be with someone so we can do all those things.  But brave - well, that's a bit much.  Let's reserve words like this to describe the men and women who are proudly serving our country to ensure we are safe.  People who are battling diseases for which there aren't any cures.  Those who live with pain you cannot see.  THEY are the "brave" ones.  No one says that we are brave for leaving the house by ourselves to go to the store or go to work.  

Our friends who are married or in relationships have forgotten/blocked out what it's like to be single.  And to be fair; if I were married - I'd probably block out my single days too.  They've been out of the game for too long as they say.  Back in the day, it was rare that women would go to movies, travel, or dine by themselves...so I get the disconnect but there were a lot of things we didn't do before that we do now.  We continue to change with the times.  We all have stories to share from our experiences.  I choose to be the comedic relief for my friends who are no longer out there.  There's plenty of material!!!

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Dating in 2016 isn't easy.  Technology has made it nearly impossible to have a true human connection with someone unless you go out, put your phone away and truly be in the moment.  Years ago, you'd go out and if you saw someone  you liked you would coyly smile, make sure to walk by them a couple times to ensure they really saw you, and do the hair flip to get their attention.  (ladies, you know the flip I'm talking about)  Now you pretty much have to stand between them and their phone to get them to look up and notice you.  Even then - Good luck!  What is the point of going out if you're going to sit on your phone the whole time? 

For online dating...should it even be called online dating anymore or do we just call it Swipe Dating?  Is this what we have been reduced to?  I really hope not.  Part of the fun has always been meeting new people and seeing what they are all about.  I think this is a great way to increase your chances of meeting people.  Please don't use this as your ONLY method of meeting people.  

The world is a big place.  Go out and live in it.  Be confident.  I've heard many of my guy friends say that there is nothing sexier than a confident woman.   I believe that statement to be true.  When I feel at my best - I am unstoppable.  It's contagious.  People are drawn to the happiness that radiates from the inside out.

The Repeat Offender

We all have that person who has always been able to get to us.  We're together.  We're broken up.  We've moved on...oh wait, we're back together again.  Anyone relate?  They are the ones who made us the happiest.  Unfortunately they are also the ones who made us the most miserable.  Yet, we always say, "I don't know - there's just something about them".  "They're different".

The Repeat Offender's timing has always been impeccable.  We've walked away, done an emotional reboot and feel ready to get back out there.  Sometimes we've already moved on and are in a new relationship.  They surface when we are at our strongest (or so we think).  They come back with their grand gestures and declarations. Promising of course that "this time will be different".  Sound familiar?

We cannot believe how sure they seem that we almost can't stop ourselves from jumping right back into it.  Heart open and having blind faith.  The repeat offender is good...they are really good at getting what they want.  Unfortunately, as history has taught us - the only one who is left disappointed is us.  Who do we have to blame?  Look in the mirror...it's ourselves.
They are just doing what they've always done so we can't blame them.  We're the ones that keep allowing this person to come back into our lives knowing full well who they are.  This is not to say that people can't change...because they can.  This is just a quick look to say, "Hey, maybe after the 4th or 5th time of letting this person back into our lives, it's time to leave them where they belong...in the past." 

Why do we let this happen?
I wish I had a definitive answer but I think my best guess would be that we want to believe that people can change and are genuinely good.  We want to believe that all the time we invested into the relationship was not in vain.  That all the things we shared were real.  We don't want to believe that we got duped by someone who really never had any intentions of following through on all the things they promised.

At what point have we had enough?  
(Insert Donna Summers/Barbra Streisand - Enough is Enough) 

I'd say we've had enough when we realize that:

• We deserve better.
• Their repeat offending no longer has the desired effect.
• Their behavior has nothing to do with us.  
• We accept that they are going to be who they are and can make the choice to no longer have them in our lives.
• We can't make someone change - THEY have to want to change.
• We were more invested in who we've wanted them to be be and didn't take the time to truly see who they are.

Repeat offenders do not give up easy...they like the control.  Their egos get bruised when they realize they cannot get to you anymore and may change up their tactics.  Just remember that true love is not about ego.  It's about finding that person where it just works.  You don't want to spend your entire relationship wondering when it's going to end again.

No one likes to be wrong.  Don't think of the time spent with the repeat offender as time wasted.  Think of it as learning the type of person you'd like to have in your life and how to let go of those you don't.  When you take back your power and realize that you can control who you allow into your life...you'll be unstoppable.  

Thank You For Being a Friend

I am often asked how my friends and I have managed to remain so close for all these years.  The easy answer is that we just all like each other.  The more complex answer is that we work at it every day.  I am very lucky to be surrounded by some of the strongest, fearless, and motivated women & men that I am proud to call family. 

We know each other because we put in the work.  In order to have any lasting relationship…you have to do the work.  Be sincerely interested in getting to know the person beyond the surface stuff.  People will always initially show you what they want you to see.  If you dig deeper – you will find out things you wouldn’t have otherwise noticed.  Find a common thread that bonds you.  By getting to know them you will quickly see if they are trustworthy or if they should remain more of an acquaintance.  There is nothing wrong with having many acquaintances and a small core group of friends.  It doesn’t make those people any less important but it’s about knowing who you can fully trust and who you are still taking the time to get to know.

I have people in my life that I have known since I was a child that I consider an acquaintance and I have people in my life for the last 10 years or so that I cannot imagine not being friends with.  Over time, people show us who they are and what they stand for.  When you find people you connect with – put in the work and you will be glad you did.

You know you have found a friend for life when they will be honest with you even when they know it’s not something you want to hear.  They deliver the message with an open heart and with your feelings in mind.  It may still not be what you want to hear but you are more willing to understand because of how the message is given.  A friend will be there for you when the sun is shining and when it seems like the sun will never shine again.

When you get to know someone well…you start to understand what it is that they need.  I have friends who, when they are upset; we know to give them space and others who need us to be around them for support in their darkest hours.  We build each other up.  We all have flaws but we don’t allow each other to focus on them.  We celebrate the good and help work on the bad.  Our flaws are opportunities for us to grow, change, and improve.

The interesting thing is that if you look around your circle of friends you will probably find that you are all very different.  You may look different, have varied interests/passions but then you see what’s similar and that is that you are good people who bring out the best in each other.  My friends and I push each other to be better, do more, and be more.  We don’t get competitive with one another.  We support each other in our pursuits be it performing, writing, working out etc.  We are at different phases of our lives – some are married, some are divorced, some have kids, and others don’t.  When we get together all that matters is that we are friends. 

I think about the Golden Girls.  Yes that funny show from the 80s.  Sophia was the matriarch of the bunch.  Dorothy had that sarcastic quick wit.  Blanche had the zest for life and passion for the men.  Rose had the heart of gold who always wanted to see the best in people.  When you look around your group of friends, you may see the same similarities.  Each person takes on a role in the group.  That’s not to say that roles don’t get reversed or that more than one role doesn’t come into play at a given time.  It’s just interesting to see the dynamics between friends.

To all my friends who have touched my life – Thank you for being a friend!

There’s nothing wrong with me…I’m just “SINGLE”

Where did it all go wrong?  The most horrible thing happened.  It feels like I blinked, and all of a sudden, I’m getting older and OMG…I’m Still Single.  Did anyone else just have a panic attack?  In the past these feelings would have kept me up at night and had me stressing out about my future, my unborn children, and my seemingly incomplete life.  One day that all changed.  I realized that my life is not empty because I am single.  My life is full because I choose to not be defined by a relationship or lack thereof.  I travel, socialize; go to movies, concerts, theater etc.  Does that sound like someone who has an incomplete life?  I don’t think so.

They always say – don’t ask a question if you don’t really want the answer.  Well when friends in relationships or friends who are married ask “So, are seeing you anyone?” I don’t think they really want the answer.  Because when I respond that I am not seeing anyone, I see the sad look on their faces.  Why?  I didn’t cry about the fact that I am single…I simply answered the question.  It is usually followed up with “Don’t worry, it’ll happen when you least expect it to.” or my favorite – “Don’t give up hope…he’s out there.” speech.  I am sure they simply want me to be happy and feel a relationship would do the trick.  One of the things I have learned from being single is that happiness comes from the inside. 

One of the best gifts I gave myself was taking the time to put myself first.  And I can honestly say that now I am happy.

I’ve been in relationships in the past where I lost myself.  I am sure you can relate.  You become a “WE” and you forget about “ME”.  One of the many things I decided through this journey of finding myself was that before I even thought about becoming someone’s “WE” again – I would be sure that I truly knew “ME”.  I’m at that place in my life now…finally after nearly a 4 year hiatus from a serious relationship.  I’ve dated here and there but didn’t delve into anything serious.  I’ve always been the perpetual monogamist.  I never found joy in dating lots of people at the same time.  It’s too hard to remember the names and there are only so many nicknames to use. 

I find myself here – Dating in 2016.  Wow, things have changed.  There are far too many sites and apps to choose from.  Each one is promising better quality, more selection, and more relationships & marriages than the rest.  They are offering specials and sales to join.  Am I the only one that feels like we’re shopping for fabrics or something?  I thought we were trying to meet someone.  No one has to go out socially because if you want to meet someone new…just swipe right or left on your smart phone. 

Really?  Is this what we have to look forward to?  A generation of relationships based on a bio and selfies randomly completed in a hot second.  Upside…if the date’s not going well – just look at your phone as if you just had a family emergency and you can find someone else that’s nearby and end this date early.  There is an endless stream of random people available.  But when looking for “The One” is random what you really want?

We all have that checklist.  He must be this…she must be that.  Take that checklist and throw it away.  You know your deal beakers.  Everything else is negotiable.  Be honest.  If you met the most amazing person would you really not date them because they were a little shorter or a little heavier than you “normally” date?  If you sit back and give people a chance – they will always show you who they are.  So be open to the possibility.  You never know the amazing adventure it can take you on.  And if the adventure proves to be a bit rocky; what an amazing story you’ll have to share.

Being single isn’t a disease.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  You just haven’t met the one who gives you a reason not to be.  And it’s OK to stay single and ready to mingle until you do meet that person.

So What's Next?

You’ve taken the very important first step and forgiven yourself.  Does this mean all’s well and you can just go about on your merry way?  Sorry, but no…this is when the real work begins.  Forgiving yourself was a big part of preparing yourself for the next phase:  SELF DISCOVERY.

You may remember the little nursery rhyme from when we were kids:

What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails, and puppy dogs tails,
That’s what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and all things nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.

Makes me think – what are men and women made of? 

Who are you going to be now that you’ve decided to change?

When you let go of the hurt and let go of the pain you have been carrying you become ready to embark on a new journey.  It doesn’t mean that you are suddenly a brand new person but it does mean you are going to be different.  As I’ve said before – we are who we are because of what we have been through.  But when we let go of the things that held us back…we do become different.

So, who are you now?  Take the time to think about this question.  Reflect on the things that held you back.  Now ask yourself, “Why, did I allow these things to get in my way?”  It’s important to get to the root of it so you understand the “WHY”.  This will allow you to see how to prevent those same obstacles from getting in your way.  Understanding the why will help to break the cycle.  When you see those obstacles again, it will trigger you to give a different response or no response.  When you truly let go of things/people that hurt you; you take away their power over you.  Sometimes no response is in fact the best response.

Discover who you are becoming.

Make a list of the things you’d like to achieve.  Separate them into categories of short term and long term.  Be specific so it’s easy to hold yourself accountable.  For the short term list, focus on things that you’d like to put into effect within the next 6 months.  It could be anything: working out (put a number on it so you hold yourself accountable), being more positive, or taking a vacation, and even getting a new hobby.  For the long term list, focus on things that you’d like to do after 6 months or longer.  For example; purchase a home, be in a happy & healthy relationship with a partner, or even run a 1/2 marathon.  These lists should be ongoing.  When you complete something put a check mark next to it.  You may find that you are adding or deleting things from the lists often.  As you discover more about yourself, you will find that your interests are also changing.

I think about Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts.  Yes it’s a chick flick but it has a good message if you pay attention to it.  Here she is; turning herself inside out to fit perfectly with whomever she is engaged to but can never really commit because she isn’t being true to herself.  If they like eggs benedict then she likes eggs benedict.  If they are into football then she’s into football.  The list goes on and on.  Until finally, she meets Richard Gere who forces her to look within herself and discover what it is she really likes.  As soon as she realizes who she is authentically – everything else falls into place.  You don’t need to wait for Richard Gere to show up and make you think.  Be this person for yourself!  Don’t be afraid to question things you’ve done for years.  It’s OK.  No one is perfect but we are changing and as long as you continue to move forward…you are going in the right direction.

Turning Fear into Fire

FORGIVE…Forgive who?  Forgive YOU!  Why is it that we go through life being taught that forgiveness is important and we should forgive others yet we have the hardest time forgiving ourselves?  We are who we are because of the experiences we have had – the good, bad and the ugly.  Yet it seems we continuously punish ourselves for the bad and ugly.  Everything we go through in life teaches us something.  Often greatness comes out of those very dark experiences we’ve gone through.  It may sound hokey but what if you were to look at yourself in the mirror and say I’M SORRY.  Those 2 words when said with the truest of intentions have the ability to change everything.  You could say… I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you.  I’m sorry I held you back.

Why do we hold ourselves back but we are the so quick to support and motivate those around us?  We hold ourselves back from enjoying things that come our way because of FEAR.  We often don’t feel we deserve good things because of those past experiences.  Why can we so easily encourage our family and friends to “Go for it” or say “You deserve this” yet we can’t give ourselves that same pep talk?  Sometimes it’s because we fear the unknown.  At the end of the day, I believe our desire is to be happy…so why do we allow fear to hold us back from achieving this?  You can talk your way out of doing just about anything when fear is leading the conversation.

A few years back, I had started working out consistently.  I was feeling stronger both mentally and physically as a result.  As I scrolled through my newsfeed on Facebook, I came across an ad for a 5K obstacle race with foam, slip and slides, and mud.  It peaked my interest so I clicked on it and started looking at the photos and obstacle course details and the seed was planted.  I had not done anything with that seed yet…I just planted it.  Almost instantly the FEAR set in: I can’t do this.  I am not athletic.  I have knee problems.  What if I mess up?  What if I can’t finish it?  What if people laugh at me?  All these emotions hit me - just because I planted a seed about possibly doing it.  I took a step back.  Talked to my friends who were also on a fitness journey and instead of allowing fear to take us out of the game - we formed a team to get ready for this race.  Figured, we would help each other get through it.  Once we signed up – there was no backing out.  In my mind…I paid – I was doing this one way or another.  My trainer and I changed up the workouts to get me conditioned and ready physically.  My friends and I supported each other and got ourselves mentally ready for this challenge.  I am proud to say that I not only did that race but 2 other races.

Believe me, I am still not an athlete.  I still have knee issues.  The difference now is; I don’t let those things take me out of the game before it starts.  I used the fear as the fire I needed to get me where I needed to be.  We all have this within us.  Make your fear your motivator.  I can think back to other moments in my life where fear took hold and didn’t let go because I didn’t believe that I deserved something or didn’t think I could do it.  There were times that I stayed in relationships because I believed that was all I deserved.  In order to grow and evolve…we must forgive ourselves for the people that we once were.  I took a moment and looked at myself in the mirror and said I’m sorry.  In that moment, the clouds parted, the sun emerged and all was forgiven.  I was finally able to break the hold that fear had over me.

Remember, life is precious.  You should not be your own worst enemy.  You should be your biggest cheerleader.  Be Fearless.  Be Bold.  Take Risks.  LIVE and most importantly FORGIVE yourself.  Continue to grow and change.  Use your experiences to help get to where you’d like to be.  Get out of your own way.  Turn your fears into the fire within you.

How to Combat the Cupid Blues?

Let’s face it.  There’s never an easy time to be single; no matter how much you may enjoy being single.  We are always asked “why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend” or “when are you going to settle down already”.  As if we ourselves are in control of this.  People who are in relationships or married often treat their single friends like they’ve got some kind of disease and the only cure is to be in a relationship.

We’re not even fully over the Christmas holidays and every store is shoving Valentine’s Day down our throats.  How about letting us catch our breath from the holidays before you force us into the next holiday!  From bears to flowers & chocolates to jewelry…we become like vacuums just trying to suck it all up because we NEED all this stuff to truly feel loved.  Guess what, STUFF doesn’t equal LOVE.

People who are in relationships should be showing each other how much they love each other all year long with their actions.  Not just one day a year when roses suddenly cost a small fortune.  If you’re single and looking to meet someone – it’s ok to wish you had someone or to hope that you meet someone to spend Valentine’s Day with.  Just don’t let it consume you or make you feel bad for not having that someone special.  Look around you – your friends/family that’s who makes you special.  Not the idea in your head of some perfect guy or girl.  A good time is not defined by where you go but who you go with.  Plan a fun night out with your friends or host your friends at your place and do a movie night.  Just don’t sit there crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  It’s not a good look at any age.  No offense, Ben & Jerry – you’re great but tears just ruin the flavor. 

Go out to that new restaurant/bar that you’ve been waiting to check out.  What are you waiting for?  Ladies, put on an outfit that makes you feel great, wear some red lipstick and really put yourself out there.  Trust me…some red lipstick does wonders for confidence…I don’t know why but when I throw on a cute outfit and top off the look with some red lipstick, I am UNSTOPPABLE.  You never know who you might meet.  If you’re going out with a large group – fan out a bit.  Don’t look closed off.  It’s intimidating for any man to walk up to a group of women – let alone a group that looks like they only want to talk to each other.  It’s like giving the Heisman without actually doing the move.  You’re welcome guys for the football reference!

Don’t worry about being single on Valentine’s Day.  You’ve got the rest of the year to worry about that.  Just kidding!  It’s far better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.  So go out, smile and most of all HAVE FUN!

Has The Art of Dating Died?

Dating sure has changed a lot over the years.  I remember dating in the late 90’s early 00’s and being nervous about if I was going to be dressed properly for the restaurant he was taking me to.  Often doing a drive-by to see how others were dressed because pre-internet you couldn’t just look up a place to get an idea of what it was like.  We were often introduced by friends, met at a bar/club, or at a party so there was a familiarity established prior to the actual date.  We’d exchange numbers “on paper” and then anxiously wait to see who was going to call first and were they going to wait the “2-3 day rule”.  Of course you didn’t want to seem too anxious but secretly we were so excited when that person actually called.

Dating now…can it even be called dating?  Our lives have become saturated with dating sites and dating apps.  Every day there is some new digital way of meeting someone.  These days…the messages are short, not always sweet, and often have sexual undertones.  People are building these imaginary relationships with someone they haven’t met, know nothing about, and are basing their feelings on the words the other person is typing or texting.  People can be anyone they want to be through the safety of their computer/phone.  You will never truly get to know someone until you meet.  Even then it takes time and you can still be wrong about them.

People don’t seem to date anymore.  They meet for coffee or grab a drink.  Are we so afraid to actually sit across from someone to share a meal and get to know one another or go see a movie and then get a quick bite and talk?  If the date isn’t going well- don’t get dessert, tell them it was nice to meet them and call your friends to meet up for a night out.  These days, you “meet” someone online.  They are telling you everything you’ve always wanted to hear and you get all excited about who this person is.  You spend 3 weeks in bliss where every time they text/email (because why would they pick up the phone to actually call you) your heart skips a beat.  Then you meet, and BAM there’s the let down.  They are not even close to the person they pretended to be to be for weeks.  You think to yourself – WHO IS THIS PERSON because in your head you’ve already created a potential future with them; in reality you don’t know them and they don’t know you.  But don’t worry, if you swipe left or right there is someone new for you to get excited about who is going to be even better than the last person.

The sites and apps today are not even for dating anymore.  Everyone has become desensitized to how to have a real conversation, the do’s and don’ts of dating and overall respect for themselves and the person they are trying to get to know.  In the real world, would you walk up to someone at a bar and whip out your private parts and say “Hi, nice to meet you.”?  I THINK NOT.  Why would you think that’s ok to do to someone you just emailed/texted for the first time?  It’s the same thing.  The first communication with someone you meet online is your first chance to make a good impression…why would you want to ruin it by doing something like that? 

People are so attached to their phones that even when you are finally on a date with them – they are constantly checking to see if there is something better going on out there.  How do you expect to have a conversation and truly get to know someone when you cannot even make eye contact? 

Let’s bring back the art of dating.  This goes out to the ladies & guys…Get out there.  Be brave and approach someone when you’re out.  Make conversation.  Be bold and exchange numbers.  Pick up the phone and call to ask them out for a date.  Make a plan.  You don’t need to break the bank for a 1^st date but you should put forth some kind of effort and have a couple different ideas – especially if you don’t know each other well.  No one wants to be involved in the “what do you want to do…I don’t know what do you want to do” vicious cycle.  Put your phone away on the date and focus on getting to know the person.  If it’s going well - make sure to lock in that 2^nd date.  You never know where it could lead.