Trust Your Gut

After taking a slightly longer dating sabbatical than expected; I have officially jumped back into the dating pool; though I think someone forgot to clean it and fill it with fresh water for the season. Ouch!

I’ve decided to give the dating app a try again. What I’ve noticed is not much has changed. Many of the same faces and I mean literally the same faces. They have not even updated their photos from a year ago. Not only are the photos the same but so is all the content of their profiles. Are you honestly expecting me the reader to believe that in a year- you have not changed even a little? Come on people; put in some effort.

Whenever you’re getting back onto the dating scene, I feel it’s important to be open. Leave judgment at the door and allow people to show you who they are and what their intentions may be. Chat with a guy/girl that isn’t 100% your type because you never know…they might surprise you. Being open doesn’t mean being naive. It’s important to pay attention to what people are saying and what they aren’t. Let’s look at this further.

I began chatting with a guy – let’s call him Rig. He said he works on an oil rig so the name fits. His emails are full of flourishing descriptions of himself, the type of woman he’s looking for, likes/dislikes. As we communicate back and forth, I ask some follow up questions based on the answers he has already given to really get an open dialog going and to get to know each other. The door is wide open for him to do the same on things I have shared about myself – yet he doesn’t engage. He continues to further express the “type of man he is” in broad strokes in hopes that I won’t notice that he has not answered any of my questions. He gives very surface compliments about me like “you’re such a strong woman or based on what he’s looking for I could be HER”.

Tip – if you’re going to tell me the name of the company and city/state it’s in – please don’t be surprised if I use this cool little online tool called Google to look it up to learn more. It’s not me being untrusting. It’s me being curious.

After a couple days of this, my gut started to tell me - “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark” (Shakespeare always knows just what to say). I decided to ask more specific questions about his emails and lack of “real” communication without all the “I like walks in the park, listening to the sound of rain, cuddling up with someone” nonsense. Guess what? Radio silence. Am I surprised? Nope. Am I disappointed? Not at all.

You have to trust your gut. My instincts were telling me that this guy was saying all the right things but really wasn’t saying anything at all. By not saying anything – he said EVERYTHING that I would want to know about him. Read that back a couple times and it will make sense – I promise.

People can be anyone they want to be when they are online. Face to face it’s a little harder (not impossible) to pull off. When you are you chatting, texting, or hanging out don’t forget that they are showing you who they are just as you are showing them who you are. If they are not actively trying to get to know you better and engaging in real conversation – it’s OK to speak up. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in their bouquets of bullshit.

While many people hate the stress that goes along with dating…I enjoy it. It allows me the opportunity to share stories with you and to hopefully make you laugh, make you think, and maybe…just maybe give you a different perspective on how you might view something/someone. Happy Reading and Happy dating my friends!

Let Go of Your Past and Your Past Will Let Go of You

I used to think this was just one of those hokey motivational phrases that people threw out to make themselves feel better.  Well – I WAS WRONG. 

After a break up, have you ever thought to yourself – “I wish I said this or wish I hadn’t said/done that”? Recently I got the amazing gift of being contacted by an ex.  Yes, the dreaded ex.  Not just any ex but THE EX.  The one whose actions rocked me to my core…well what was my core back then.  Nearly 8 years ago to be exact.  I’ve moved on; I’ve been in other relationships; I forgave him for all he’s done. 

Why do I say it was an amazing gift?  Well, you never know until you are placed back in a situation how you will react.  I was contacted unexpectedly so my first reaction was to react but I chose to wait it out a bit until I could gather my thoughts.  This is a good thing to do in any situation.  Composure really does help ensure that you are very clear with your intentions.  He was apologizing and making all kinds of declarations of his feelings.  However he forgot one thing…I KNOW HIM.  His words have always been empty because of the lack of action behind them and as the conversation continued, I was transported back to that time.  I had no idea that I still had this ongoing list of things that I wished I had said to him.  And when the opportunity presented itself, well to put it nicely…I “Unleashed the Kraken”.  I said everything I have ever wanted to say and so much more.  Such a freeing and liberating experience.

I don’t share this story because I think everyone should call up their ex and unleash years’ worth of unresolved feelings.  Though that could be interesting.  I share it because many of us wish we had the opportunity to fully express ourselves at the end of a relationship.  How many of us have seen our friendships fade away without really understanding what happened?  Sometimes people just grow apart, but sometimes there is a misunderstanding that had you both communicated at the time – the rift could have been avoided.  People hate confrontation that so often it is less “scary” to just walk away than actually have a conversation about issue at hand.

In your life, do you have that THE EX?  Do feel like you have fully closed that chapter or is there ever a feeling that things were left unsaid?  We are not all given the gift I was of being able to say everything to the ex.  Grab a notebook or just sheet of paper.  Write them a Dear Ex letter and then crumple it up and throw it away.  You’ll be amazed by how much lighter you feel getting all those feelings out.

You deserve happiness.  True happiness comes from the inside.  By letting go of what holds you back – you are able to propel yourself forward towards the next adventure in your life.  Endings are sad but an ending is just beginning of something new.  We often dwell on what we don’t have in our lives that we miss all the possibilities around us.  Stay open, stay true and you may surprise yourself.  Opportunities are all around us.  All we have to do is look up.

It's Not You...It's Me

“It’s Not You It’s Me” may sound cliché.  But often times this is exactly what is meant.  Sometimes it’s the reverse – “It’s Not Me It’s You”.  In our lives we may have ended relationships with people who were great but they weren’t great for us.  People have ended relationships with us because we just weren’t a good fit for them.  I know many use this as a cop out.  No one wants to have that tough conversation when the other person wants to know “WHY” you are ending the relationship.  There is always a reason for the ending of a relationship.  It’s just a matter of if we get the real reason.

It’s hard not to take a break up personally.  We second guess everything we felt or said throughout the entire relationship trying to rationalize what we could have done differently to make you want to be with us.  Suddenly this person who we had lukewarm feelings for in the first place is the most important relationship of our lives and we need to know why they don’t want to be with us.  Often, those red flags we were seeing in the relationship now seem like little bumps in the road that we totally could have worked through.  All for the sake of being in a relationship.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Being single is not a disease.  We’ve all sat there making excuses for the ones we are with because we want to rationalize their behavior.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why someone acts the way they do except that they are not the ones for us.  Everyone goes through things in life.  People process emotions differently.  Some people pull away and just need space in order to figure things out.  Some people need more than space and need a break.  Hence the old Friends episode:  “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”  A break is not always a break up but sometimes it is.  Navigating this is part of relationships.  It’s not always easy, it’s often times messy but it’s also a part of life.

I look back on some of my relationships and think:

·         What the heck was I thinking?

·         How could they change so fast?

·         Wow, dodged a bullet there.

·         Why did I stay so long?

·         Did I not stay long enough?

It’s important to reflect and think about what happened in our relationships.  In some cases, we have to accept that we were wrong about the person.  Sometimes people are not who we believe or want them to be.  And sometimes they are exactly who they have always been but we chose not to look deep enough.  We try to rationalize warning signs because we want to be open and not judgmental.  However it’s important that we not simply breeze past those big orange cones warning us about danger ahead for the sake of trying to be open and non-judgmental. 

Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

·         They’ve got a lot going on right now.

·         I’m just giving them some time/space to figure things out.

·         He / She is just so busy with work.

·         They are really nice when you get to know them.

·         I know that when things settle down things will get back on track.

Relationships take work.  Guess what?  Everyone has a lot of things going on these days.  Between family, friends, and work – the amount of free time has become more and more limited.  The days of a true 9-5 job are gone.  Thanks to the fast paced world we now live in; we all need answers to even the easiest questions – NOW!  Thanks in large part to technology – people’s communication skills have suffered.  I know that I have said this before but communication is the building block of every good relationship.  We have to be able to work through our differences and celebrate our successes.  Being in a relationship does not mean that everything is instantly perfect.  Things are going to get messy.  You’re going to fight and disagree.  You’re going to love and laugh.  Make sure that you are not blinded by the bliss of being in a relationship that miss the important signs just ahead.

Thriving Through Grief

I’m sorry that I have been a bit M.I.A. lately.  I was dealing with a personal tragedy with the passing of my amazing grandpa.  It got me thinking about grief and the many different ways we deal with it.  I promise to get back to my lighthearted and thought provoking blogs that many of you have come to love.  However, since I do focus on personal growth and change in my blogs, I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to discuss grief and my thoughts on how to work through it.  This is a topic that many shy away from because it’s so personal.  There’s no textbook way of dealing with grief.  Everyone feels things differently.  I’ve been through many things in life and can only share what I have learned from my experiences in hopes of helping even just one person.

My grandpa was a shining light in this world.  Anyone who met him automatically loved him.  He just had this indescribable thing.  He had a zest for life and charisma to boot.  When he got sick, I experienced many moments of sadness/helplessness because I knew that life with him would be very different and that life without him was coming sooner than I was ready to accept.  Facing mortality head on really does put things into perspective.  I watched him come to grips with what was coming.  He did it with love, laughter, and till his very last breath; a passion for life. 

The emotional roller coaster has been quite the trip and I am reminded of why I don’t like roller coasters.  My nature is to be happy, upbeat, and optimistic.  Sadness, negativity, and dread do not sit well with me.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I apologized to my friends for being a “negative Nelly” or a “Debbie downer”.  They continuously reminded me that I was allowed to feel these emotions and that I am in no way a burden or being negative.  In those moments, I felt like I needed permission to allow myself to break down and feel these deep difficult emotions.  I am not sure why I felt I needed permission to feel it but I am glad that I ultimately allowed myself to experience them.

When people around me are having a tough time, I often tell them “It’s OK to have a tough time or a bad day; just don’t live there.”  Well now that I’m the one going through it…I have to follow my own advice.  Some days this has proven difficult.  I go through these moments of pure joy and laughter; where things feel “normal” and then it hits you like a ton of bricks – (cue the water works). 

When you are grieving - you are going to get sad, you’re going to get angry, and you’re going to feel a sense of relief.  I am relieved to know that he is no longer suffering.  Towards the end, he was not living his life as fully as he had before.  I would think to myself how cruel it was.  Knowing that he is now at peace has allowed me to be at peace with what has happened.  I carry the many beautiful memories we made with me every day. 

It’s important to channel your energy into positive ways.  Remembering our loved ones fondly and taking the best parts of them by incorporating them into our day to day lives.  Put into action the behaviors we hold most dear.  For me, as you may have guessed…my outlet is writing.  Find something that brings you joy and then just go out and do it.  I know he is watching over me and my family.  I hope that I continue to live my life with the passion, conviction, and fire with which my grandfather lived his.  

Perception is Reality?

I had a manager once who would always say Perception is Reality.  While I’ve always respected them and still do; I could never quite get behind this statement fully because Perception is not necessarily my reality…it’s the person doing the perceiving’s reality.  Who is to say that this person is right?  If someone misunderstands a message that I feel I have expressed clearly am I really wrong?  There’s definitely a middle ground somewhere.  I always strive to communicate as effectively as possible to avoid misunderstandings; however, when the person receiving information has their own preconceived notions – they are bound to misunderstand any statement that doesn’t fall in line with their belief system.

We are judged on a daily basis.  What we look like, what we sound like, how we dress – all come into question.  Our harshest critics are often ourselves; which is really unfortunate.  I spent years worrying about what other people thought about me.  Was I pretty enough?  Was I smart enough?  Was I thin enough?  The key here is “enough”.  Who decides what makes me “ENOUGH”?  I was trying to live up to the ideal that I thought people around me were setting for me.  Key word is thought. 

I am so happy that I grew up before the internet was around.  Yes, back in the stone ages when people passed notes about you in class or whispered behind your back.  There were no hate pages/posts popping up all over social media.  We had bullies and their words were powerful and hurtful but somehow many of us rose up and didn’t falter for long.  We weren’t glued to every word written about us and found a way to eventually figure out who we were and didn’t mind the “HATERS”.  When you take away the power of other people’s words, they can no longer hurt you.

Becoming comfortable in my own skin wasn’t about giving up on wanting to changes.  It was about loving the person I have become wholeheartedly.  When you accept who you are and don’t judge yourself for it…your whole attitude is different.  Any changes you try to make; your spirit understands are for the right reasons and not because of something anyone else said.  Changes become a part of your life as opposed to this chore you are just trying to get through.  For example, when I first started working out with my trainer years ago, I was doing it because that’s what I thought I should do.  My heart wasn’t in it.  I dreaded each workout and the lack of results showed.  Eventually, I changed my way of thinking and something just clicked.  These days, I look forward to training, pushing it hard, and trying new things.  I’m not where I want to be but I am closer than I was.

The perception I had was that I needed to change to be accepted by others.  The reality is that I chose to change because I wanted to and I don’t care what other people think.  When you do things for yourself the experience is much more rewarding than when you do it because other people are expecting you to do it.  Break it down even further.  When you do something nice for someone are you doing it because they expect you to and you expect the same in return or do you do it because it’s in you to do something nice for people without any expectations?

BE WHO YOU ARE.  LOVE WHO YOU ARE.  BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.  

Most of all - do it for yourself and not because you believe that you have to do it for someone else to accept you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Be kind to yourselves and each other.

New Year...New You?

Happy New Year Everyone!  I figured before we delve back into the world of relationship and dating blogs, I thought it might be nice to look at everyone’s obsessions with “RESOLUTIONS” & “REINVENTION”.  It's important to take a look inward before you commit to making outward changes.  Small changes in thinking can go a long way in making big changes in your life.

How many of us have said:

·         This is the year I get fit.

·         This is the year I’m going to travel.

·         This is the year I’m going to ..........

Why do we do this to ourselves?  If you want to get fit; that’s wonderful but why do you have to wait until the New Year rolls around to commit to it?  When you make a commitment to yourself that you would like to change – get moving.  Join the gym, do the videos, make better choices.  Don’t put it off – as Nike says…Just Do It!  Those of us who go to the gym have already seen how crowded the gyms have been the past couple weeks and it’s already getting easy to find parking and machines.  Resolutions are hard to keep if you're not ready to really commit to the them.

I can’t even begin to list how many times I have heard – New Year…New Me!  As a friend, I can’t help but wonder – what’s so bad about the “old” you?  I think you’re pretty great.  It’s part of the reason we’re friends in the first place.  Those of you have followed my blogs; you’ve come to know that I am all for growing, evolving, and learning.  A “new you” is just not necessary.  Just be YOU 2.0.  Having goals is great.  Reaching them won’t happen overnight.  Start with some short term and long term goals.  This will help you stay on course.  Maybe even enlist the help of a friend or family member to help hold you accountable for those goals.

New You?  Think about what that really means.  Why do you feel you want to be a “New You”?  Think about what you want to change and why.  Also, don’t forget to recognize the qualities you really love about yourself.  Often, we focus on what we want to change and we completely ignore what makes each of us so special.  Maybe by focusing more on the things you love about yourself and bringing those qualities to the forefront of your thinking – the things you feel you should change will actually work themselves out.

When you do an update on your cell phone…it doesn’t suddenly become a new phone.  It’s just that you’re now using an updated version with new features.  This is how you should view your own personal growth.  There’s no set timeline of when the internal updates happen to you.  It’s done whenever you’re truly ready to make the changes and the time is right.  Commit to being a better you and work at it throughout the year.  I am better today than I was yesterday but I am not as good as I will be tomorrow.

Looking forward to continuing our journey of growth and happiness in 2017!  We are all on a quest for greatness.  Only you know what “greatness” means to you.  Figure it out and work to achieve it.