Surviving Online Dating One Click or Wink at a Time

I’ve officially joined the online dating world.  You’ve read along as I wrote about it through my past experiences and the countless tales from my very brave friends.  Well now, prepare to get the good, bad, and downright ugly tales of dating in today’s day and age.  I opted to join Match as I generally met a different caliber person than on Plenty of Fish or some of the other sites.  Plus you really just can’t get away from the commercials of the guy talking to random people on the street about all these amazing people on Match.  Sucked in by advertising…but where are these so called amazing people you speak of?

When did online dating turn into Facebook or Instagram?  People just randomly view your pictures and like or comment on them but then they don’t actually take the next step which would be to communicate with you on a personal level.  Isn’t the point of this whole thing to actually meet someone?  Or someone winks at you and then nothing more.  Winking on Match is like poking someone on Facebook.  You’ve dipped your toes into the water…now jump in!

I want to preface this by saying that I truly understand how difficult it is to email a complete stranger based on a bunch of sentences they wrote on their profile.  There’s no need to go crazy with the opener.  I had one guy tell me “Your eyes are full of language”.  Honestly, I don’t think even he knows what that means.  Maybe start off simple…Say “Hi.  My name is ________.  From your profile it seems like we have some things in common”.  Then share some of the things they wrote that drew you in.  You’d be amazed how far a nice and simple introduction will go.

Now you’ve made contact.  Next, you wait.  There’s never a guarantee that you’re going to hear back.  Remember this is a two way street.  There have been men that I have messaged and never heard back from.  It’s OK.  I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and they are not all my glass of wine.  There’s no need to send reply after reply.  If someone is interested…wild horses couldn’t keep them away from replying.  A guy had sent me a message that simply said Hi.  10 minutes later…HELLO.  5 minutes later…UM HELLO???  This is not the best way to make a first impression.  I was not interested in him however this behavior made him less attractive. 

I did have a nice exchange with a guy for about a week.  He was funny and seemed to have a nice personality.  We had things in common though he was a fan of the wrong sports teams.  They can’t all be perfect.  As our conversations progressed during the week, I became a bit suspicious of his intentions as he was being overly flirtatious.  Some women enjoy this type of banter.  For me – that’s a flag.  Yes, we’ve been talking and texting but at the end of the day – we DO NOT know each other.  It seems premature to get so personal before meeting.  There are people who use sites like Match for a hook up.  It’s important that the person you are speaking with has a clear understanding of where you stand on this position and on any position that is important to you.  We all have different boundaries when it comes to online dating.  This does sometimes make it difficult for the other person to know the “rule book” but when it comes to dating there is no manual.  We write our own rules.

I decided to continue speaking with him but would make sure to check him on his antics if he crossed a line.  He would quickly apologize and would stop that behavior at least for the short term.  I agreed to meet him because you never know.  People can often be one way via text and be completely different in person.  It’s very easy to be bolder when you have a computer or phone protecting you.  We met somewhere casual.  Thought it would be a great way for us to get to know each other better.  Conversation was flowing just as easily as it had on the phone and text.  I was pleasantly surprised until after describing his career in detail he said, “Well, that’s about it when it comes to my mediocre life”.  While it was a very honest answer on his part…I felt bad for him in that moment.  Things in life are rarely perfect but mediocre is such a strong word to describe one’s entire life.  I’d say that if you are not content with the life you have – then take the bull by the horns and change it.  This is not the life that one lives when they are looking to find someone to share it with.  Who wants to share in a mediocre life?  I know I don’t.  So we continued on the now misadventure of our first and now only date.  While I tried to get the conversation back on a positive direction…it just continued on a downward negative spiral.  It became abundantly clear that our intentions for meeting one another were not the same.  Check please!

So now back to the drawing board or in this case – Match boards.  This was my first date in quite a while so I was happy to get in some practice.  Though I am sure it is more fun when it goes well.  Stay tuned for the adventures and misadventures.  My tip for anyone trying the online dating route…be mentally and emotionally ready for things to go well and be even more ready for things to go wrong.  Until you really get to know someone; don’t get overly invested in the things they say/do.  People will always show you who they are.

Happiness Is...

How do you define happiness?  I think it’s fair to say that happiness means different things to different people.  Our definition changes based on our life experiences.  When we were kids we were happy that the sun was shining, we had our toys, and crayons that weren’t broken.  As we get older, happiness takes more work or does it?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of happiness is: feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.: showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment. : Pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.
 

I consider myself to be a happy person.  Am I happy 24/7?  No.  Do I have a bad hour or bad day? Absolutely.  Overall though, I am happy.  There are many blessings in my life and those are the things that make it easy for me to be happy.  Are there things that I’d like to improve or change?  Of course – I’m human.  However those things that are not “perfect” do not define or limit my happiness.  These things only fuel me to be better...do more.

I hear people say things like “When I hit my goal weight, I’ll be happy” or “When I can fit in those jeans I’ll be happy” or “When I meet the right person, I’ll be happy”.  While these are all happy events; why put a timeline or limitation on YOUR happy.  Maybe if you’re already happy within, it’ll be easier for you to lose the weight because you won’t have so much pressure on yourself to be something and then you’ll fit into those jeans.  Maybe if you’re already happy within you’ll meet that person that will only ENHANCE your happiness not create it.

True Happiness comes from within.  It’s a compilation of many different feelings and emotions.  I know really HEAVY stuff, right?  It’s not created from material things.  Material things can bring you moments of joy.  However joy and happiness are not the same thing.  Joy is the action and happiness is the feeling.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of joy is: a: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires; b: the expression or exhibition of such emotion: a state of happiness or felicity; a source or cause of delight

At times of struggle or strife, it is important to take a step within and focus on what is truly important. It is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the negative feelings/emotions and lose sight of all the positive things in our lives.  I find that the toughest moments in my life have helped shape who I have become because I may have faltered but I fought my way back out of it.  We are not defined by how many times we fall…we are defined by how many times we get back up and make the necessary changes in our lives. 

I used to hate when people would tell me Change comes at the end of your comfort zone or If you always do what you always did – you’ll always get what you always got.  Now when I really pay attention to those words…they couldn’t be truer.  Sorry to all my friends who are now annoyed that I use these same phrases on you.

If you don’t make a change in your thinking…you will always remain the same.  I think back to how many times in my life I’ve said “I CAN’T” or just a stern “NO”…how many opportunities I may have missed out on because of the fear of failure or embarrassment.  Of course it’s “safer” to not try new things but we were not put on this Earth to just be safe. 

There are new adventures to be had.  How do you know what will truly bring you the most joy and happiness if you don’t go out in the world and experience new things and new adventures?  I spoke about turning Fear into Fire in one of my previous blogs.  If you really step out into the world and just try something different…you might just surprise yourself.  Let go of the pain you’ve felt in the past.  It doesn’t serve you anymore.  Take a leap of faith.  You have all the power you need within you to soar if only you just believe in yourself.  Challenge yourself. 

In an earlier blog I discussed the Gratitude Jar.  Maybe create yourself a Happy Happy Joy Joy Jar.  (OK, totally just aged myself).  How many of you just sang along?  Take small pieces of paper and whenever something happens that brings you joy or makes you feel happiness, write it down and put it in the jar.  When you’re having a tough day…pull out those pieces of paper and re-read the notes and you will be brought back to those happy and joyful moments and the issue at hand – won’t seem so dark.

So I will end this blog just as I started it.  This isn’t something that I can define for you but I hope I have helped you find ways to define it for yourself.

How do you define happiness? 

The Struggle is Real

Being single has its perks.  But, given the chance, who wouldn't want to be in a happy, healthy, and loving relationship?  I took a break from dating for a few years so I could rediscover who I was and what I truly wanted for myself.  I am so happy that I did because I am now in the best place mentally, emotionally, and physically.  So now...Bring on the Men, right?  Not so fast.  Gone are the days of going out and striking up a conversation with a handsome stranger.  

"Hi handsome stranger - can you put down your phone so I can strike up a conversation with you?" probably isn't the best opener but it could get their attention.  Just doesn't have the same ring as just a regular flow of conversation would.  How does someone even date today?  There's a new dating app popping up every day.  I've done the online dating before but it has never been the way it is now.  People are so scared to jump into things with someone they connect with because what if the next person who pops up in their feed is a better match.  Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith.

I am so lucky that I have friends who share their stories so we all have something to laugh about.  Why would someone be on a dating site if all they are looking for is casual sex?  There are apps for that or go to Craig's List...people are practically giving it away there.  On what planet did an opening message (which is basically your 2nd impression) have to involve some kind of sexual innuendo?  Second impression, you ask?  YES.  Your first impression is your actual profile and pictures.  note:  No picture...no response...
Shirtless on the beach or pool makes sense for maybe 1 or 2 photos max.  10 pictures of you flexing in front of a bathroom mirror while holding your phone...that's a bit much.  And ladies...10 pictures of you from various angles giving the same come hither stare or duck face pout...PLEASE STOP IT!  Don't you have some friends who could take some nice pictures of you?  Come on - put in a little effort here.

Your profile description should be a snapshot of who you are and what you are really looking for.  If you hate the beach in real life...please don't say you like long walks on the beach.  If you don't work out...please do not say you love going to the gym.  Remember we are going to meet you and based on our "mutual" interests...we may actually decide to do some of the things you describe.  So let's say that you've reeled us in with your profile description and your pictures draw us in.  The excitement is building.  We decide to read your message (PS...we generally check out the profile before reading what you write us) and BAM...it goes something like this:

Hey baby (honey, sweetie, cutie)-your hot (yup your instead of you're) - total pet peeve
When do you want to hook up?
(Insert disappointment music...womp womp)

Do you know what we are thinking?  NEXT.  We shake our heads, take a screenshot and sent it to all our friends so they can laugh along with us and know that the Struggle is Real.

I know it takes guts to send a message without knowing the person or what they might or might not say in response.  It's intimidating.  Kudos for reaching out.  Now step 2 is saying something smart and funny.  Be charismatic and witty.  Women love that stuff.  I know many of you are looking for love and it feels like we're all looking in the wrong places.  If you can improve your communication approaches and how you present yourself...you never know what doors may open.  Happy Dating!

Shine On

I love this quote.  I always like to follow it up with "Just hand them some shades".  

Shine on.

How many times do we think about censoring what we tell those around us because we don't know how they will react?  Happy news should receive an equally happy reaction from our family & friends, right?  More often than not, we are concerned that someone will respond negatively or just not have the same reaction we are hoping for.  I'm not quite sure why our thoughts always go to negative reactions first. Getting a new job, starting new relationship, starting a family, or pursuing a long time passion with extra gusto are all great things right?  Maybe it's the fear that can come with embarking on these new endeavors.  We could be transferring our fears onto the people around us.  I've spoken about the power that fear can have over how we view things (Turning Fear into Fire).  Keep reading for another fire reference.

Does someone's reaction change the event?  Are we suddenly not going to be as excited about our news?  Unfortunately, sometimes that is exactly what happens.  We start to feel defeated or try to play down the importance of this great news.  That's not to say that every special moment in our lives requires a ticker tape parade.  It's nice to get support from those around us.  Positivity simply makes everyone's light shine brighter.

Have you ever walked in a room filled with happy people and just felt more upbeat and lighter because of the energy around you?  Conversely, have you ever walked in a room filled with people where the energy just feels off?  It could stem from one person or the whole room.  What do you do when that happens?  I know it can feel like it's hard to shine bright but in life you can choose to be the spark or the flame.

A spark ignites to make a flame.  A flame burns until it eventually burns out.  So you can use your "bright light" to bring others into the light or you can be a flame that burns because of others until it eventually grows dim and burns out.  I find it is more fun to bring people into the light.

When people are experiencing their own challenges, sometimes they are not able to be as supportive as we need them to be.  That doesn't mean they aren't happy for us.  It's just all that they can give at that time.  When the darkness fades, all will be back to normal.  So maybe you can be more delicate in the way you share the news but don't let their reaction dictate how you view it.  It's important to be sensitive to those around us but don't let their circumstances dictate your happiness.

Be excited about life's blessings.  Share your light and don't let other people determine how bright you shine!  Those who love you want you to succeed and thrive in everything you do.  Everyone just has a different way of showing support & love.  For those who can't handle your light...just smile and hand them some shades.

Dream Bigger

At what point did we forget how to dream BIG?  When I was a kid I wanted to be everything from a rock star to a lawyer.  Somewhere down the line I got my "head out of the clouds" as they say and got a reality check.  I developed my list of strengths and weaknesses and embarked on a career that wasn't on my dream list but I love it and happen to be really good at it.  Do I regret not being a rock star or lawyer...no - but I know I carry the attributes needed to do both in who I am today.  Becoming more centered and grounded has actually helped me to explore my dreams and to Dream Bigger. 

I've always loved to write and over the years have joked about writing books.  Can I have a career I love and still pursue other passions?  Do we need to sacrifice one for the other?  I don't think so.  That's how this blog was born.  I love this platform and I know someday there will be books in my future. 

My life thus far has been interesting to say the least.  I've loved and lost.  I've been lost and found.  Been through many relationships/friendships that have helped mold me into the person I am today.  Some have stayed on the journey with me - some have left once the lessons I needed to learn were learned.  It's given me a point of view that can hopefully help others and work as a reminder for myself.  I hope you are enjoying being on this journey with me.

Take a moment to think about your passions.  What are your dreams?  How often do you say you can't do something because you're TOO this or that?  We can make excuses to take ourselves out of the running for something that could be life changing.  A few years back after I had really started to work out more, I got a "crazy" idea to do an obstacle race.  Yes, I work out but I have never thought of myself as an athlete.  Well I convinced a couple of my friends to do this "crazy" thing with me.  I had never done anything like this before.  Mud, foam, obstacles...oh my!  There were a few obstacles I had to skip but I was really impressed and proud of what we all accomplished that day.  I went on to do 2 more crazy races over the next year.  It was an incredible feeling to see what my body was truly capable of when I pushed it hard enough.  I'm still not an athlete - but I do have athlete qualities.

Make a list of things you've always wanted to do.  It could be anything from taking a cooking class to jumping out of an airplane.  Getting on stage to perform or visiting a far away place.  Keep it close and as time goes on - you can add to the list or cross things off as your dreams change or you complete them.  Don't hold yourself back from moving forward.  We are often our harshest critics when we should be our biggest cheerleaders.  So challenge yourself to be more / do more.

You might just surprise yourself.

Single - Are We Really Brave?

I was speaking with a friend recently.  We both happen to be single and are experiencing the same ebbs and flows of dating in the world we live in.  One of the things we both seem to hear a lot from people is how "brave" we are when we do things on our own.
  

You're so brave to go to the movies by yourself. 

You're  so brave to go on vacation by yourself.

You're so brave to go out to eat by yourself.

Are we really "brave" for doing those things?  I don't think so.  We're confident and don't feel the need to wait for other people to do the things we'd like to do.  I think it's great that we are living our lives to the fullest and not waiting to be with someone so we can do all those things.  But brave - well, that's a bit much.  Let's reserve words like this to describe the men and women who are proudly serving our country to ensure we are safe.  People who are battling diseases for which there aren't any cures.  Those who live with pain you cannot see.  THEY are the "brave" ones.  No one says that we are brave for leaving the house by ourselves to go to the store or go to work.  

Our friends who are married or in relationships have forgotten/blocked out what it's like to be single.  And to be fair; if I were married - I'd probably block out my single days too.  They've been out of the game for too long as they say.  Back in the day, it was rare that women would go to movies, travel, or dine by themselves...so I get the disconnect but there were a lot of things we didn't do before that we do now.  We continue to change with the times.  We all have stories to share from our experiences.  I choose to be the comedic relief for my friends who are no longer out there.  There's plenty of material!!!

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Dating in 2016 isn't easy.  Technology has made it nearly impossible to have a true human connection with someone unless you go out, put your phone away and truly be in the moment.  Years ago, you'd go out and if you saw someone  you liked you would coyly smile, make sure to walk by them a couple times to ensure they really saw you, and do the hair flip to get their attention.  (ladies, you know the flip I'm talking about)  Now you pretty much have to stand between them and their phone to get them to look up and notice you.  Even then - Good luck!  What is the point of going out if you're going to sit on your phone the whole time? 

For online dating...should it even be called online dating anymore or do we just call it Swipe Dating?  Is this what we have been reduced to?  I really hope not.  Part of the fun has always been meeting new people and seeing what they are all about.  I think this is a great way to increase your chances of meeting people.  Please don't use this as your ONLY method of meeting people.  

The world is a big place.  Go out and live in it.  Be confident.  I've heard many of my guy friends say that there is nothing sexier than a confident woman.   I believe that statement to be true.  When I feel at my best - I am unstoppable.  It's contagious.  People are drawn to the happiness that radiates from the inside out.

The Repeat Offender

We all have that person who has always been able to get to us.  We're together.  We're broken up.  We've moved on...oh wait, we're back together again.  Anyone relate?  They are the ones who made us the happiest.  Unfortunately they are also the ones who made us the most miserable.  Yet, we always say, "I don't know - there's just something about them".  "They're different".

The Repeat Offender's timing has always been impeccable.  We've walked away, done an emotional reboot and feel ready to get back out there.  Sometimes we've already moved on and are in a new relationship.  They surface when we are at our strongest (or so we think).  They come back with their grand gestures and declarations. Promising of course that "this time will be different".  Sound familiar?

We cannot believe how sure they seem that we almost can't stop ourselves from jumping right back into it.  Heart open and having blind faith.  The repeat offender is good...they are really good at getting what they want.  Unfortunately, as history has taught us - the only one who is left disappointed is us.  Who do we have to blame?  Look in the mirror...it's ourselves.
They are just doing what they've always done so we can't blame them.  We're the ones that keep allowing this person to come back into our lives knowing full well who they are.  This is not to say that people can't change...because they can.  This is just a quick look to say, "Hey, maybe after the 4th or 5th time of letting this person back into our lives, it's time to leave them where they belong...in the past." 

Why do we let this happen?
I wish I had a definitive answer but I think my best guess would be that we want to believe that people can change and are genuinely good.  We want to believe that all the time we invested into the relationship was not in vain.  That all the things we shared were real.  We don't want to believe that we got duped by someone who really never had any intentions of following through on all the things they promised.

At what point have we had enough?  
(Insert Donna Summers/Barbra Streisand - Enough is Enough) 

I'd say we've had enough when we realize that:

• We deserve better.
• Their repeat offending no longer has the desired effect.
• Their behavior has nothing to do with us.  
• We accept that they are going to be who they are and can make the choice to no longer have them in our lives.
• We can't make someone change - THEY have to want to change.
• We were more invested in who we've wanted them to be be and didn't take the time to truly see who they are.

Repeat offenders do not give up easy...they like the control.  Their egos get bruised when they realize they cannot get to you anymore and may change up their tactics.  Just remember that true love is not about ego.  It's about finding that person where it just works.  You don't want to spend your entire relationship wondering when it's going to end again.

No one likes to be wrong.  Don't think of the time spent with the repeat offender as time wasted.  Think of it as learning the type of person you'd like to have in your life and how to let go of those you don't.  When you take back your power and realize that you can control who you allow into your life...you'll be unstoppable.