Let Go and Let Flow

“Let Go and Let Flow” seems like such an easy concept, right?  For many of us, it’s not so simple.  We carry around the pain, anger, and fear with us almost as a security blanket to make sure no one/nothing else can hurt us again.  Hmmm…a reoccurring theme of FEAR for my blogs.  Must be important.  We know that I believe that we need to turn Fear into Fire.  Check out my previous blog from May entitled Turning Fear into Fire to learn more about that.

I am who I am because of everything I've gone through.  The joy, the pain, the sadness, the loss…all of these events/emotions that have happened in my life, have shaped me and my beliefs.  What I have been learning over the past year is that I don’t need to be defined by those things.  In many cases, I am who I am in spite of the things that have happened.  I’ve taken those painful events and persevered.  This makes it easier to just "Let Go".

The choices we make are not always easy.  Things in life are not black and white.  Some people may not understand the choices you make because it’s not how they would handle the situation.  Remember, it’s your life.  We all have choices to make and whatever path is chosen…YOU are the one who has to deal with the outcome.  You do not need to explain your choices.  Own your feelings…own your decisions.

This time of year is a time of reflection.  We take stock of what we’ve done and what has happened to us.  We start to think about what we hope for in the year ahead.  Going through this can bring up emotions and feelings that you didn’t know you were carrying with you.  It’s easy to fall into old habits because it feels more comfortable and safe.  The truth is – when you’ve made the decision to truly make a change; the old behaviors will no longer feel that way for you.

The caption on the photo above says it best.  Let Go of Your Past and Your Past Will Let Go of You.  Think about what those words really mean.  If you don’t take the necessary steps to let go of your past circumstances…they are destined to continue to be a part of your life even when you know that you want to change.  I don’t think anyone consciously says “Gee, let me carry this extra emotional baggage.”  I believe we sometimes do it unknowingly.  Once we become more awake and aware of what is happening around us we can start let go of the things that no longer serve us.  The emotional baggage slowly disappears.

One of the best gifts you can give yourself is forgiveness.  Forgive those who have hurt you.  If you are going to continue to have them in your life; you must be honest with them about how they have made you feel.  You must be clear regarding what behaviors cannot continue if they are to be a part of your life.  Forgive yourself for your role in the relationships that were not positive.  You must be the star of your own story.  You have the power to choose the direction your life goes.

As the end of 2016 approaches, take a moment to think about where you were, where you are, and where you hope to go.  Emotionally take the necessary steps to get yourself prepared for the year ahead.  I can’t say it’ll be easy but I can say it’ll be worth it.

Match...As Seen on TV?

Here we are a few weeks after my horrific first date since joining Match.  I have not clicked with anyone since.  I know you may feel bad for me.  Please don’t.  Have no fear – I have not lost my faith in the process.  This is part of the fun.  Getting to see what works, what doesn’t and what should really NEVER happen.  It’s been an interesting adventure so far.  I’ve had a few short chats, some winks/emails with no follow up, and some interesting characters to say the least.   I am starting to think that the Wink feature on Match is the equivalent of "I'll call you" after a date.  Seems like a good thing to do/say but you never plan on actually doing anything about it.

We’ve seen those Match commercials with the guy who stops people on the street and shows them these amazing “men/women” in their area.  All of them look like models and are right there in “your backyard just waiting to meet you”.  He convinces them to create a profile to connect with those people right now.  With what I have experienced so far; I cannot help but wonder…where are those people?  I think many of us have made the mistake of watching an infomercial late at night and ended up ordering something “As Seen on TV” only to realize when we got it home that it was not quite what we expected.  There were way more instructions, more room for error, and it just took longer than it looked on TV to work properly.  Doesn’t that explain how dating online seems to work these days?

There are millions of success stories from online dating sites.  When I tried Match years ago, I did meet some very nice guys with the qualities I would be looking for today in the right person.  Problem is…back then; I just wasn’t at a place in my life where I really had a clear understanding of who I was and what I ultimately was looking for.  I’m sure today those guys have gotten married, started families, or are hopefully in happy/healthy relationships.  If not…call me!  So the search continues.

Here are some things I will never understand.  If you don’t want children (as noted on your profile), why respond to someone who says they definitely want children?  If you are well outside the age range that the person is looking for why even go there?  I don’t mean a year or two outside the range; I mean WELL outside the range.  Same goes for being geographically undesirable.  I would be remiss if I did not mention the photos that people choose.  Guys, many of us already think you never listen when we’re talking.  Why would you post photos of yourself wearing headphones or ear buds?  It’s like you’re advertising that you will never listen to what we are saying.

Photos that should be removed from dating sites (in no particular order):

·         Headphone/ear bud photos

·         Duck faces

·         Bathroom or mirror selfies

·         Attempted sexy poses

·         Gym selfies

·         Sitting in the car selfies

·         Landscape photos (without you in them)

·         Overly filtered/altered photos

I am sure the list could go on and on but these are just a few big ones to note.  If you connect with someone via email/text, eventually you are going to meet.  You want the other person to do a double-take because you look even better in person…not because they are trying to figure out who you are.  Let’s make sure we are all putting our best foot forward.

After my dating sabbatical the past few years; it has been quite interesting to examine how things have changed in the online world.  I can say with complete certainty that it’s never dull.  My friends both male and female have some amazing stories - some funny, some creepy, and some beautiful love stories.  I’m looking forward to continuing this journey and sharing my findings with you.  You never know…the next one could be that I have met Mr. Mine. 

Surviving Online Dating One Click or Wink at a Time

I’ve officially joined the online dating world.  You’ve read along as I wrote about it through my past experiences and the countless tales from my very brave friends.  Well now, prepare to get the good, bad, and downright ugly tales of dating in today’s day and age.  I opted to join Match as I generally met a different caliber person than on Plenty of Fish or some of the other sites.  Plus you really just can’t get away from the commercials of the guy talking to random people on the street about all these amazing people on Match.  Sucked in by advertising…but where are these so called amazing people you speak of?

When did online dating turn into Facebook or Instagram?  People just randomly view your pictures and like or comment on them but then they don’t actually take the next step which would be to communicate with you on a personal level.  Isn’t the point of this whole thing to actually meet someone?  Or someone winks at you and then nothing more.  Winking on Match is like poking someone on Facebook.  You’ve dipped your toes into the water…now jump in!

I want to preface this by saying that I truly understand how difficult it is to email a complete stranger based on a bunch of sentences they wrote on their profile.  There’s no need to go crazy with the opener.  I had one guy tell me “Your eyes are full of language”.  Honestly, I don’t think even he knows what that means.  Maybe start off simple…Say “Hi.  My name is ________.  From your profile it seems like we have some things in common”.  Then share some of the things they wrote that drew you in.  You’d be amazed how far a nice and simple introduction will go.

Now you’ve made contact.  Next, you wait.  There’s never a guarantee that you’re going to hear back.  Remember this is a two way street.  There have been men that I have messaged and never heard back from.  It’s OK.  I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and they are not all my glass of wine.  There’s no need to send reply after reply.  If someone is interested…wild horses couldn’t keep them away from replying.  A guy had sent me a message that simply said Hi.  10 minutes later…HELLO.  5 minutes later…UM HELLO???  This is not the best way to make a first impression.  I was not interested in him however this behavior made him less attractive. 

I did have a nice exchange with a guy for about a week.  He was funny and seemed to have a nice personality.  We had things in common though he was a fan of the wrong sports teams.  They can’t all be perfect.  As our conversations progressed during the week, I became a bit suspicious of his intentions as he was being overly flirtatious.  Some women enjoy this type of banter.  For me – that’s a flag.  Yes, we’ve been talking and texting but at the end of the day – we DO NOT know each other.  It seems premature to get so personal before meeting.  There are people who use sites like Match for a hook up.  It’s important that the person you are speaking with has a clear understanding of where you stand on this position and on any position that is important to you.  We all have different boundaries when it comes to online dating.  This does sometimes make it difficult for the other person to know the “rule book” but when it comes to dating there is no manual.  We write our own rules.

I decided to continue speaking with him but would make sure to check him on his antics if he crossed a line.  He would quickly apologize and would stop that behavior at least for the short term.  I agreed to meet him because you never know.  People can often be one way via text and be completely different in person.  It’s very easy to be bolder when you have a computer or phone protecting you.  We met somewhere casual.  Thought it would be a great way for us to get to know each other better.  Conversation was flowing just as easily as it had on the phone and text.  I was pleasantly surprised until after describing his career in detail he said, “Well, that’s about it when it comes to my mediocre life”.  While it was a very honest answer on his part…I felt bad for him in that moment.  Things in life are rarely perfect but mediocre is such a strong word to describe one’s entire life.  I’d say that if you are not content with the life you have – then take the bull by the horns and change it.  This is not the life that one lives when they are looking to find someone to share it with.  Who wants to share in a mediocre life?  I know I don’t.  So we continued on the now misadventure of our first and now only date.  While I tried to get the conversation back on a positive direction…it just continued on a downward negative spiral.  It became abundantly clear that our intentions for meeting one another were not the same.  Check please!

So now back to the drawing board or in this case – Match boards.  This was my first date in quite a while so I was happy to get in some practice.  Though I am sure it is more fun when it goes well.  Stay tuned for the adventures and misadventures.  My tip for anyone trying the online dating route…be mentally and emotionally ready for things to go well and be even more ready for things to go wrong.  Until you really get to know someone; don’t get overly invested in the things they say/do.  People will always show you who they are.

Happiness Is...

How do you define happiness?  I think it’s fair to say that happiness means different things to different people.  Our definition changes based on our life experiences.  When we were kids we were happy that the sun was shining, we had our toys, and crayons that weren’t broken.  As we get older, happiness takes more work or does it?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of happiness is: feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.: showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment. : Pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.
 

I consider myself to be a happy person.  Am I happy 24/7?  No.  Do I have a bad hour or bad day? Absolutely.  Overall though, I am happy.  There are many blessings in my life and those are the things that make it easy for me to be happy.  Are there things that I’d like to improve or change?  Of course – I’m human.  However those things that are not “perfect” do not define or limit my happiness.  These things only fuel me to be better...do more.

I hear people say things like “When I hit my goal weight, I’ll be happy” or “When I can fit in those jeans I’ll be happy” or “When I meet the right person, I’ll be happy”.  While these are all happy events; why put a timeline or limitation on YOUR happy.  Maybe if you’re already happy within, it’ll be easier for you to lose the weight because you won’t have so much pressure on yourself to be something and then you’ll fit into those jeans.  Maybe if you’re already happy within you’ll meet that person that will only ENHANCE your happiness not create it.

True Happiness comes from within.  It’s a compilation of many different feelings and emotions.  I know really HEAVY stuff, right?  It’s not created from material things.  Material things can bring you moments of joy.  However joy and happiness are not the same thing.  Joy is the action and happiness is the feeling.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of joy is: a: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires; b: the expression or exhibition of such emotion: a state of happiness or felicity; a source or cause of delight

At times of struggle or strife, it is important to take a step within and focus on what is truly important. It is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the negative feelings/emotions and lose sight of all the positive things in our lives.  I find that the toughest moments in my life have helped shape who I have become because I may have faltered but I fought my way back out of it.  We are not defined by how many times we fall…we are defined by how many times we get back up and make the necessary changes in our lives. 

I used to hate when people would tell me Change comes at the end of your comfort zone or If you always do what you always did – you’ll always get what you always got.  Now when I really pay attention to those words…they couldn’t be truer.  Sorry to all my friends who are now annoyed that I use these same phrases on you.

If you don’t make a change in your thinking…you will always remain the same.  I think back to how many times in my life I’ve said “I CAN’T” or just a stern “NO”…how many opportunities I may have missed out on because of the fear of failure or embarrassment.  Of course it’s “safer” to not try new things but we were not put on this Earth to just be safe. 

There are new adventures to be had.  How do you know what will truly bring you the most joy and happiness if you don’t go out in the world and experience new things and new adventures?  I spoke about turning Fear into Fire in one of my previous blogs.  If you really step out into the world and just try something different…you might just surprise yourself.  Let go of the pain you’ve felt in the past.  It doesn’t serve you anymore.  Take a leap of faith.  You have all the power you need within you to soar if only you just believe in yourself.  Challenge yourself. 

In an earlier blog I discussed the Gratitude Jar.  Maybe create yourself a Happy Happy Joy Joy Jar.  (OK, totally just aged myself).  How many of you just sang along?  Take small pieces of paper and whenever something happens that brings you joy or makes you feel happiness, write it down and put it in the jar.  When you’re having a tough day…pull out those pieces of paper and re-read the notes and you will be brought back to those happy and joyful moments and the issue at hand – won’t seem so dark.

So I will end this blog just as I started it.  This isn’t something that I can define for you but I hope I have helped you find ways to define it for yourself.

How do you define happiness? 

The Struggle is Real

Being single has its perks.  But, given the chance, who wouldn't want to be in a happy, healthy, and loving relationship?  I took a break from dating for a few years so I could rediscover who I was and what I truly wanted for myself.  I am so happy that I did because I am now in the best place mentally, emotionally, and physically.  So now...Bring on the Men, right?  Not so fast.  Gone are the days of going out and striking up a conversation with a handsome stranger.  

"Hi handsome stranger - can you put down your phone so I can strike up a conversation with you?" probably isn't the best opener but it could get their attention.  Just doesn't have the same ring as just a regular flow of conversation would.  How does someone even date today?  There's a new dating app popping up every day.  I've done the online dating before but it has never been the way it is now.  People are so scared to jump into things with someone they connect with because what if the next person who pops up in their feed is a better match.  Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith.

I am so lucky that I have friends who share their stories so we all have something to laugh about.  Why would someone be on a dating site if all they are looking for is casual sex?  There are apps for that or go to Craig's List...people are practically giving it away there.  On what planet did an opening message (which is basically your 2nd impression) have to involve some kind of sexual innuendo?  Second impression, you ask?  YES.  Your first impression is your actual profile and pictures.  note:  No picture...no response...
Shirtless on the beach or pool makes sense for maybe 1 or 2 photos max.  10 pictures of you flexing in front of a bathroom mirror while holding your phone...that's a bit much.  And ladies...10 pictures of you from various angles giving the same come hither stare or duck face pout...PLEASE STOP IT!  Don't you have some friends who could take some nice pictures of you?  Come on - put in a little effort here.

Your profile description should be a snapshot of who you are and what you are really looking for.  If you hate the beach in real life...please don't say you like long walks on the beach.  If you don't work out...please do not say you love going to the gym.  Remember we are going to meet you and based on our "mutual" interests...we may actually decide to do some of the things you describe.  So let's say that you've reeled us in with your profile description and your pictures draw us in.  The excitement is building.  We decide to read your message (PS...we generally check out the profile before reading what you write us) and BAM...it goes something like this:

Hey baby (honey, sweetie, cutie)-your hot (yup your instead of you're) - total pet peeve
When do you want to hook up?
(Insert disappointment music...womp womp)

Do you know what we are thinking?  NEXT.  We shake our heads, take a screenshot and sent it to all our friends so they can laugh along with us and know that the Struggle is Real.

I know it takes guts to send a message without knowing the person or what they might or might not say in response.  It's intimidating.  Kudos for reaching out.  Now step 2 is saying something smart and funny.  Be charismatic and witty.  Women love that stuff.  I know many of you are looking for love and it feels like we're all looking in the wrong places.  If you can improve your communication approaches and how you present yourself...you never know what doors may open.  Happy Dating!

Shine On

I love this quote.  I always like to follow it up with "Just hand them some shades".  

Shine on.

How many times do we think about censoring what we tell those around us because we don't know how they will react?  Happy news should receive an equally happy reaction from our family & friends, right?  More often than not, we are concerned that someone will respond negatively or just not have the same reaction we are hoping for.  I'm not quite sure why our thoughts always go to negative reactions first. Getting a new job, starting new relationship, starting a family, or pursuing a long time passion with extra gusto are all great things right?  Maybe it's the fear that can come with embarking on these new endeavors.  We could be transferring our fears onto the people around us.  I've spoken about the power that fear can have over how we view things (Turning Fear into Fire).  Keep reading for another fire reference.

Does someone's reaction change the event?  Are we suddenly not going to be as excited about our news?  Unfortunately, sometimes that is exactly what happens.  We start to feel defeated or try to play down the importance of this great news.  That's not to say that every special moment in our lives requires a ticker tape parade.  It's nice to get support from those around us.  Positivity simply makes everyone's light shine brighter.

Have you ever walked in a room filled with happy people and just felt more upbeat and lighter because of the energy around you?  Conversely, have you ever walked in a room filled with people where the energy just feels off?  It could stem from one person or the whole room.  What do you do when that happens?  I know it can feel like it's hard to shine bright but in life you can choose to be the spark or the flame.

A spark ignites to make a flame.  A flame burns until it eventually burns out.  So you can use your "bright light" to bring others into the light or you can be a flame that burns because of others until it eventually grows dim and burns out.  I find it is more fun to bring people into the light.

When people are experiencing their own challenges, sometimes they are not able to be as supportive as we need them to be.  That doesn't mean they aren't happy for us.  It's just all that they can give at that time.  When the darkness fades, all will be back to normal.  So maybe you can be more delicate in the way you share the news but don't let their reaction dictate how you view it.  It's important to be sensitive to those around us but don't let their circumstances dictate your happiness.

Be excited about life's blessings.  Share your light and don't let other people determine how bright you shine!  Those who love you want you to succeed and thrive in everything you do.  Everyone just has a different way of showing support & love.  For those who can't handle your light...just smile and hand them some shades.

Dream Bigger

At what point did we forget how to dream BIG?  When I was a kid I wanted to be everything from a rock star to a lawyer.  Somewhere down the line I got my "head out of the clouds" as they say and got a reality check.  I developed my list of strengths and weaknesses and embarked on a career that wasn't on my dream list but I love it and happen to be really good at it.  Do I regret not being a rock star or lawyer...no - but I know I carry the attributes needed to do both in who I am today.  Becoming more centered and grounded has actually helped me to explore my dreams and to Dream Bigger. 

I've always loved to write and over the years have joked about writing books.  Can I have a career I love and still pursue other passions?  Do we need to sacrifice one for the other?  I don't think so.  That's how this blog was born.  I love this platform and I know someday there will be books in my future. 

My life thus far has been interesting to say the least.  I've loved and lost.  I've been lost and found.  Been through many relationships/friendships that have helped mold me into the person I am today.  Some have stayed on the journey with me - some have left once the lessons I needed to learn were learned.  It's given me a point of view that can hopefully help others and work as a reminder for myself.  I hope you are enjoying being on this journey with me.

Take a moment to think about your passions.  What are your dreams?  How often do you say you can't do something because you're TOO this or that?  We can make excuses to take ourselves out of the running for something that could be life changing.  A few years back after I had really started to work out more, I got a "crazy" idea to do an obstacle race.  Yes, I work out but I have never thought of myself as an athlete.  Well I convinced a couple of my friends to do this "crazy" thing with me.  I had never done anything like this before.  Mud, foam, obstacles...oh my!  There were a few obstacles I had to skip but I was really impressed and proud of what we all accomplished that day.  I went on to do 2 more crazy races over the next year.  It was an incredible feeling to see what my body was truly capable of when I pushed it hard enough.  I'm still not an athlete - but I do have athlete qualities.

Make a list of things you've always wanted to do.  It could be anything from taking a cooking class to jumping out of an airplane.  Getting on stage to perform or visiting a far away place.  Keep it close and as time goes on - you can add to the list or cross things off as your dreams change or you complete them.  Don't hold yourself back from moving forward.  We are often our harshest critics when we should be our biggest cheerleaders.  So challenge yourself to be more / do more.

You might just surprise yourself.

Single - Are We Really Brave?

I was speaking with a friend recently.  We both happen to be single and are experiencing the same ebbs and flows of dating in the world we live in.  One of the things we both seem to hear a lot from people is how "brave" we are when we do things on our own.
  

You're so brave to go to the movies by yourself. 

You're  so brave to go on vacation by yourself.

You're so brave to go out to eat by yourself.

Are we really "brave" for doing those things?  I don't think so.  We're confident and don't feel the need to wait for other people to do the things we'd like to do.  I think it's great that we are living our lives to the fullest and not waiting to be with someone so we can do all those things.  But brave - well, that's a bit much.  Let's reserve words like this to describe the men and women who are proudly serving our country to ensure we are safe.  People who are battling diseases for which there aren't any cures.  Those who live with pain you cannot see.  THEY are the "brave" ones.  No one says that we are brave for leaving the house by ourselves to go to the store or go to work.  

Our friends who are married or in relationships have forgotten/blocked out what it's like to be single.  And to be fair; if I were married - I'd probably block out my single days too.  They've been out of the game for too long as they say.  Back in the day, it was rare that women would go to movies, travel, or dine by themselves...so I get the disconnect but there were a lot of things we didn't do before that we do now.  We continue to change with the times.  We all have stories to share from our experiences.  I choose to be the comedic relief for my friends who are no longer out there.  There's plenty of material!!!

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Dating in 2016 isn't easy.  Technology has made it nearly impossible to have a true human connection with someone unless you go out, put your phone away and truly be in the moment.  Years ago, you'd go out and if you saw someone  you liked you would coyly smile, make sure to walk by them a couple times to ensure they really saw you, and do the hair flip to get their attention.  (ladies, you know the flip I'm talking about)  Now you pretty much have to stand between them and their phone to get them to look up and notice you.  Even then - Good luck!  What is the point of going out if you're going to sit on your phone the whole time? 

For online dating...should it even be called online dating anymore or do we just call it Swipe Dating?  Is this what we have been reduced to?  I really hope not.  Part of the fun has always been meeting new people and seeing what they are all about.  I think this is a great way to increase your chances of meeting people.  Please don't use this as your ONLY method of meeting people.  

The world is a big place.  Go out and live in it.  Be confident.  I've heard many of my guy friends say that there is nothing sexier than a confident woman.   I believe that statement to be true.  When I feel at my best - I am unstoppable.  It's contagious.  People are drawn to the happiness that radiates from the inside out.

The Repeat Offender

We all have that person who has always been able to get to us.  We're together.  We're broken up.  We've moved on...oh wait, we're back together again.  Anyone relate?  They are the ones who made us the happiest.  Unfortunately they are also the ones who made us the most miserable.  Yet, we always say, "I don't know - there's just something about them".  "They're different".

The Repeat Offender's timing has always been impeccable.  We've walked away, done an emotional reboot and feel ready to get back out there.  Sometimes we've already moved on and are in a new relationship.  They surface when we are at our strongest (or so we think).  They come back with their grand gestures and declarations. Promising of course that "this time will be different".  Sound familiar?

We cannot believe how sure they seem that we almost can't stop ourselves from jumping right back into it.  Heart open and having blind faith.  The repeat offender is good...they are really good at getting what they want.  Unfortunately, as history has taught us - the only one who is left disappointed is us.  Who do we have to blame?  Look in the mirror...it's ourselves.
They are just doing what they've always done so we can't blame them.  We're the ones that keep allowing this person to come back into our lives knowing full well who they are.  This is not to say that people can't change...because they can.  This is just a quick look to say, "Hey, maybe after the 4th or 5th time of letting this person back into our lives, it's time to leave them where they belong...in the past." 

Why do we let this happen?
I wish I had a definitive answer but I think my best guess would be that we want to believe that people can change and are genuinely good.  We want to believe that all the time we invested into the relationship was not in vain.  That all the things we shared were real.  We don't want to believe that we got duped by someone who really never had any intentions of following through on all the things they promised.

At what point have we had enough?  
(Insert Donna Summers/Barbra Streisand - Enough is Enough) 

I'd say we've had enough when we realize that:

• We deserve better.
• Their repeat offending no longer has the desired effect.
• Their behavior has nothing to do with us.  
• We accept that they are going to be who they are and can make the choice to no longer have them in our lives.
• We can't make someone change - THEY have to want to change.
• We were more invested in who we've wanted them to be be and didn't take the time to truly see who they are.

Repeat offenders do not give up easy...they like the control.  Their egos get bruised when they realize they cannot get to you anymore and may change up their tactics.  Just remember that true love is not about ego.  It's about finding that person where it just works.  You don't want to spend your entire relationship wondering when it's going to end again.

No one likes to be wrong.  Don't think of the time spent with the repeat offender as time wasted.  Think of it as learning the type of person you'd like to have in your life and how to let go of those you don't.  When you take back your power and realize that you can control who you allow into your life...you'll be unstoppable.  

Thank You For Being a Friend

I am often asked how my friends and I have managed to remain so close for all these years.  The easy answer is that we just all like each other.  The more complex answer is that we work at it every day.  I am very lucky to be surrounded by some of the strongest, fearless, and motivated women & men that I am proud to call family. 

We know each other because we put in the work.  In order to have any lasting relationship…you have to do the work.  Be sincerely interested in getting to know the person beyond the surface stuff.  People will always initially show you what they want you to see.  If you dig deeper – you will find out things you wouldn’t have otherwise noticed.  Find a common thread that bonds you.  By getting to know them you will quickly see if they are trustworthy or if they should remain more of an acquaintance.  There is nothing wrong with having many acquaintances and a small core group of friends.  It doesn’t make those people any less important but it’s about knowing who you can fully trust and who you are still taking the time to get to know.

I have people in my life that I have known since I was a child that I consider an acquaintance and I have people in my life for the last 10 years or so that I cannot imagine not being friends with.  Over time, people show us who they are and what they stand for.  When you find people you connect with – put in the work and you will be glad you did.

You know you have found a friend for life when they will be honest with you even when they know it’s not something you want to hear.  They deliver the message with an open heart and with your feelings in mind.  It may still not be what you want to hear but you are more willing to understand because of how the message is given.  A friend will be there for you when the sun is shining and when it seems like the sun will never shine again.

When you get to know someone well…you start to understand what it is that they need.  I have friends who, when they are upset; we know to give them space and others who need us to be around them for support in their darkest hours.  We build each other up.  We all have flaws but we don’t allow each other to focus on them.  We celebrate the good and help work on the bad.  Our flaws are opportunities for us to grow, change, and improve.

The interesting thing is that if you look around your circle of friends you will probably find that you are all very different.  You may look different, have varied interests/passions but then you see what’s similar and that is that you are good people who bring out the best in each other.  My friends and I push each other to be better, do more, and be more.  We don’t get competitive with one another.  We support each other in our pursuits be it performing, writing, working out etc.  We are at different phases of our lives – some are married, some are divorced, some have kids, and others don’t.  When we get together all that matters is that we are friends. 

I think about the Golden Girls.  Yes that funny show from the 80s.  Sophia was the matriarch of the bunch.  Dorothy had that sarcastic quick wit.  Blanche had the zest for life and passion for the men.  Rose had the heart of gold who always wanted to see the best in people.  When you look around your group of friends, you may see the same similarities.  Each person takes on a role in the group.  That’s not to say that roles don’t get reversed or that more than one role doesn’t come into play at a given time.  It’s just interesting to see the dynamics between friends.

To all my friends who have touched my life – Thank you for being a friend!

There’s nothing wrong with me…I’m just “SINGLE”

Where did it all go wrong?  The most horrible thing happened.  It feels like I blinked, and all of a sudden, I’m getting older and OMG…I’m Still Single.  Did anyone else just have a panic attack?  In the past these feelings would have kept me up at night and had me stressing out about my future, my unborn children, and my seemingly incomplete life.  One day that all changed.  I realized that my life is not empty because I am single.  My life is full because I choose to not be defined by a relationship or lack thereof.  I travel, socialize; go to movies, concerts, theater etc.  Does that sound like someone who has an incomplete life?  I don’t think so.

They always say – don’t ask a question if you don’t really want the answer.  Well when friends in relationships or friends who are married ask “So, are seeing you anyone?” I don’t think they really want the answer.  Because when I respond that I am not seeing anyone, I see the sad look on their faces.  Why?  I didn’t cry about the fact that I am single…I simply answered the question.  It is usually followed up with “Don’t worry, it’ll happen when you least expect it to.” or my favorite – “Don’t give up hope…he’s out there.” speech.  I am sure they simply want me to be happy and feel a relationship would do the trick.  One of the things I have learned from being single is that happiness comes from the inside. 

One of the best gifts I gave myself was taking the time to put myself first.  And I can honestly say that now I am happy.

I’ve been in relationships in the past where I lost myself.  I am sure you can relate.  You become a “WE” and you forget about “ME”.  One of the many things I decided through this journey of finding myself was that before I even thought about becoming someone’s “WE” again – I would be sure that I truly knew “ME”.  I’m at that place in my life now…finally after nearly a 4 year hiatus from a serious relationship.  I’ve dated here and there but didn’t delve into anything serious.  I’ve always been the perpetual monogamist.  I never found joy in dating lots of people at the same time.  It’s too hard to remember the names and there are only so many nicknames to use. 

I find myself here – Dating in 2016.  Wow, things have changed.  There are far too many sites and apps to choose from.  Each one is promising better quality, more selection, and more relationships & marriages than the rest.  They are offering specials and sales to join.  Am I the only one that feels like we’re shopping for fabrics or something?  I thought we were trying to meet someone.  No one has to go out socially because if you want to meet someone new…just swipe right or left on your smart phone. 

Really?  Is this what we have to look forward to?  A generation of relationships based on a bio and selfies randomly completed in a hot second.  Upside…if the date’s not going well – just look at your phone as if you just had a family emergency and you can find someone else that’s nearby and end this date early.  There is an endless stream of random people available.  But when looking for “The One” is random what you really want?

We all have that checklist.  He must be this…she must be that.  Take that checklist and throw it away.  You know your deal beakers.  Everything else is negotiable.  Be honest.  If you met the most amazing person would you really not date them because they were a little shorter or a little heavier than you “normally” date?  If you sit back and give people a chance – they will always show you who they are.  So be open to the possibility.  You never know the amazing adventure it can take you on.  And if the adventure proves to be a bit rocky; what an amazing story you’ll have to share.

Being single isn’t a disease.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  You just haven’t met the one who gives you a reason not to be.  And it’s OK to stay single and ready to mingle until you do meet that person.

So What's Next?

You’ve taken the very important first step and forgiven yourself.  Does this mean all’s well and you can just go about on your merry way?  Sorry, but no…this is when the real work begins.  Forgiving yourself was a big part of preparing yourself for the next phase:  SELF DISCOVERY.

You may remember the little nursery rhyme from when we were kids:

What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails, and puppy dogs tails,
That’s what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and all things nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.

Makes me think – what are men and women made of? 

Who are you going to be now that you’ve decided to change?

When you let go of the hurt and let go of the pain you have been carrying you become ready to embark on a new journey.  It doesn’t mean that you are suddenly a brand new person but it does mean you are going to be different.  As I’ve said before – we are who we are because of what we have been through.  But when we let go of the things that held us back…we do become different.

So, who are you now?  Take the time to think about this question.  Reflect on the things that held you back.  Now ask yourself, “Why, did I allow these things to get in my way?”  It’s important to get to the root of it so you understand the “WHY”.  This will allow you to see how to prevent those same obstacles from getting in your way.  Understanding the why will help to break the cycle.  When you see those obstacles again, it will trigger you to give a different response or no response.  When you truly let go of things/people that hurt you; you take away their power over you.  Sometimes no response is in fact the best response.

Discover who you are becoming.

Make a list of the things you’d like to achieve.  Separate them into categories of short term and long term.  Be specific so it’s easy to hold yourself accountable.  For the short term list, focus on things that you’d like to put into effect within the next 6 months.  It could be anything: working out (put a number on it so you hold yourself accountable), being more positive, or taking a vacation, and even getting a new hobby.  For the long term list, focus on things that you’d like to do after 6 months or longer.  For example; purchase a home, be in a happy & healthy relationship with a partner, or even run a 1/2 marathon.  These lists should be ongoing.  When you complete something put a check mark next to it.  You may find that you are adding or deleting things from the lists often.  As you discover more about yourself, you will find that your interests are also changing.

I think about Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts.  Yes it’s a chick flick but it has a good message if you pay attention to it.  Here she is; turning herself inside out to fit perfectly with whomever she is engaged to but can never really commit because she isn’t being true to herself.  If they like eggs benedict then she likes eggs benedict.  If they are into football then she’s into football.  The list goes on and on.  Until finally, she meets Richard Gere who forces her to look within herself and discover what it is she really likes.  As soon as she realizes who she is authentically – everything else falls into place.  You don’t need to wait for Richard Gere to show up and make you think.  Be this person for yourself!  Don’t be afraid to question things you’ve done for years.  It’s OK.  No one is perfect but we are changing and as long as you continue to move forward…you are going in the right direction.

Turning Fear into Fire

FORGIVE…Forgive who?  Forgive YOU!  Why is it that we go through life being taught that forgiveness is important and we should forgive others yet we have the hardest time forgiving ourselves?  We are who we are because of the experiences we have had – the good, bad and the ugly.  Yet it seems we continuously punish ourselves for the bad and ugly.  Everything we go through in life teaches us something.  Often greatness comes out of those very dark experiences we’ve gone through.  It may sound hokey but what if you were to look at yourself in the mirror and say I’M SORRY.  Those 2 words when said with the truest of intentions have the ability to change everything.  You could say… I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you.  I’m sorry I held you back.

Why do we hold ourselves back but we are the so quick to support and motivate those around us?  We hold ourselves back from enjoying things that come our way because of FEAR.  We often don’t feel we deserve good things because of those past experiences.  Why can we so easily encourage our family and friends to “Go for it” or say “You deserve this” yet we can’t give ourselves that same pep talk?  Sometimes it’s because we fear the unknown.  At the end of the day, I believe our desire is to be happy…so why do we allow fear to hold us back from achieving this?  You can talk your way out of doing just about anything when fear is leading the conversation.

A few years back, I had started working out consistently.  I was feeling stronger both mentally and physically as a result.  As I scrolled through my newsfeed on Facebook, I came across an ad for a 5K obstacle race with foam, slip and slides, and mud.  It peaked my interest so I clicked on it and started looking at the photos and obstacle course details and the seed was planted.  I had not done anything with that seed yet…I just planted it.  Almost instantly the FEAR set in: I can’t do this.  I am not athletic.  I have knee problems.  What if I mess up?  What if I can’t finish it?  What if people laugh at me?  All these emotions hit me - just because I planted a seed about possibly doing it.  I took a step back.  Talked to my friends who were also on a fitness journey and instead of allowing fear to take us out of the game - we formed a team to get ready for this race.  Figured, we would help each other get through it.  Once we signed up – there was no backing out.  In my mind…I paid – I was doing this one way or another.  My trainer and I changed up the workouts to get me conditioned and ready physically.  My friends and I supported each other and got ourselves mentally ready for this challenge.  I am proud to say that I not only did that race but 2 other races.

Believe me, I am still not an athlete.  I still have knee issues.  The difference now is; I don’t let those things take me out of the game before it starts.  I used the fear as the fire I needed to get me where I needed to be.  We all have this within us.  Make your fear your motivator.  I can think back to other moments in my life where fear took hold and didn’t let go because I didn’t believe that I deserved something or didn’t think I could do it.  There were times that I stayed in relationships because I believed that was all I deserved.  In order to grow and evolve…we must forgive ourselves for the people that we once were.  I took a moment and looked at myself in the mirror and said I’m sorry.  In that moment, the clouds parted, the sun emerged and all was forgiven.  I was finally able to break the hold that fear had over me.

Remember, life is precious.  You should not be your own worst enemy.  You should be your biggest cheerleader.  Be Fearless.  Be Bold.  Take Risks.  LIVE and most importantly FORGIVE yourself.  Continue to grow and change.  Use your experiences to help get to where you’d like to be.  Get out of your own way.  Turn your fears into the fire within you.

How to Combat the Cupid Blues?

Let’s face it.  There’s never an easy time to be single; no matter how much you may enjoy being single.  We are always asked “why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend” or “when are you going to settle down already”.  As if we ourselves are in control of this.  People who are in relationships or married often treat their single friends like they’ve got some kind of disease and the only cure is to be in a relationship.

We’re not even fully over the Christmas holidays and every store is shoving Valentine’s Day down our throats.  How about letting us catch our breath from the holidays before you force us into the next holiday!  From bears to flowers & chocolates to jewelry…we become like vacuums just trying to suck it all up because we NEED all this stuff to truly feel loved.  Guess what, STUFF doesn’t equal LOVE.

People who are in relationships should be showing each other how much they love each other all year long with their actions.  Not just one day a year when roses suddenly cost a small fortune.  If you’re single and looking to meet someone – it’s ok to wish you had someone or to hope that you meet someone to spend Valentine’s Day with.  Just don’t let it consume you or make you feel bad for not having that someone special.  Look around you – your friends/family that’s who makes you special.  Not the idea in your head of some perfect guy or girl.  A good time is not defined by where you go but who you go with.  Plan a fun night out with your friends or host your friends at your place and do a movie night.  Just don’t sit there crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  It’s not a good look at any age.  No offense, Ben & Jerry – you’re great but tears just ruin the flavor. 

Go out to that new restaurant/bar that you’ve been waiting to check out.  What are you waiting for?  Ladies, put on an outfit that makes you feel great, wear some red lipstick and really put yourself out there.  Trust me…some red lipstick does wonders for confidence…I don’t know why but when I throw on a cute outfit and top off the look with some red lipstick, I am UNSTOPPABLE.  You never know who you might meet.  If you’re going out with a large group – fan out a bit.  Don’t look closed off.  It’s intimidating for any man to walk up to a group of women – let alone a group that looks like they only want to talk to each other.  It’s like giving the Heisman without actually doing the move.  You’re welcome guys for the football reference!

Don’t worry about being single on Valentine’s Day.  You’ve got the rest of the year to worry about that.  Just kidding!  It’s far better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.  So go out, smile and most of all HAVE FUN!

Has The Art of Dating Died?

Dating sure has changed a lot over the years.  I remember dating in the late 90’s early 00’s and being nervous about if I was going to be dressed properly for the restaurant he was taking me to.  Often doing a drive-by to see how others were dressed because pre-internet you couldn’t just look up a place to get an idea of what it was like.  We were often introduced by friends, met at a bar/club, or at a party so there was a familiarity established prior to the actual date.  We’d exchange numbers “on paper” and then anxiously wait to see who was going to call first and were they going to wait the “2-3 day rule”.  Of course you didn’t want to seem too anxious but secretly we were so excited when that person actually called.

Dating now…can it even be called dating?  Our lives have become saturated with dating sites and dating apps.  Every day there is some new digital way of meeting someone.  These days…the messages are short, not always sweet, and often have sexual undertones.  People are building these imaginary relationships with someone they haven’t met, know nothing about, and are basing their feelings on the words the other person is typing or texting.  People can be anyone they want to be through the safety of their computer/phone.  You will never truly get to know someone until you meet.  Even then it takes time and you can still be wrong about them.

People don’t seem to date anymore.  They meet for coffee or grab a drink.  Are we so afraid to actually sit across from someone to share a meal and get to know one another or go see a movie and then get a quick bite and talk?  If the date isn’t going well- don’t get dessert, tell them it was nice to meet them and call your friends to meet up for a night out.  These days, you “meet” someone online.  They are telling you everything you’ve always wanted to hear and you get all excited about who this person is.  You spend 3 weeks in bliss where every time they text/email (because why would they pick up the phone to actually call you) your heart skips a beat.  Then you meet, and BAM there’s the let down.  They are not even close to the person they pretended to be to be for weeks.  You think to yourself – WHO IS THIS PERSON because in your head you’ve already created a potential future with them; in reality you don’t know them and they don’t know you.  But don’t worry, if you swipe left or right there is someone new for you to get excited about who is going to be even better than the last person.

The sites and apps today are not even for dating anymore.  Everyone has become desensitized to how to have a real conversation, the do’s and don’ts of dating and overall respect for themselves and the person they are trying to get to know.  In the real world, would you walk up to someone at a bar and whip out your private parts and say “Hi, nice to meet you.”?  I THINK NOT.  Why would you think that’s ok to do to someone you just emailed/texted for the first time?  It’s the same thing.  The first communication with someone you meet online is your first chance to make a good impression…why would you want to ruin it by doing something like that? 

People are so attached to their phones that even when you are finally on a date with them – they are constantly checking to see if there is something better going on out there.  How do you expect to have a conversation and truly get to know someone when you cannot even make eye contact? 

Let’s bring back the art of dating.  This goes out to the ladies & guys…Get out there.  Be brave and approach someone when you’re out.  Make conversation.  Be bold and exchange numbers.  Pick up the phone and call to ask them out for a date.  Make a plan.  You don’t need to break the bank for a 1^st date but you should put forth some kind of effort and have a couple different ideas – especially if you don’t know each other well.  No one wants to be involved in the “what do you want to do…I don’t know what do you want to do” vicious cycle.  Put your phone away on the date and focus on getting to know the person.  If it’s going well - make sure to lock in that 2^nd date.  You never know where it could lead.