I'm Back Baby. Did I ever really leave?

 

It’s been over 3 years since I’ve done a blog post. I was shocked as I didn’t realize that so much time had passed.  Do I blame the pandemic? Do I blame work?  No…the blame is on me.  Somewhere along the way, I lost the inspiration that writing had always given me.  I’m a firm believer in resolutions but I don’t believe that it must be on New Years to really work.  When you are ready to make a change…strike while the iron’s hot.  So here I am.  Back at it for the first time in a long while.  Let’s hope I’m not too rusty.  Bear with me at least for a bit.  The rhythm should come back to me.  Like riding a bike, right?

We lived through a pandemic and all the stresses and fears that came with that.  Some are still dealing with the aftereffects.  As if dating wasn’t challenging enough – let’s add a pandemic to the mix.  I’ve talked about how technology made dating tough.  Throw in a pandemic and it was positively brutal.  The way we work, live, and interact with the outside world has gone through multiple transformations over the past few years.  It’s hard to keep up but let’s all try.  We got to see the best in people and sadly we saw the worst. 

I was looking through some memory photos that popped up on Facebook.  One picture really stood out to me.  I was bright eyed and had such a natural smile and seemed just so at ease.  I’m not so old that I didn’t remember the picture, but it took me a while to remember what year it was from.  I’ve narrowed it down to 2004/2005 time frame.  24 years ago.  WOW.  I remember just being so carefree at that age even though I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin – I mastered the art of fake it until you make it.

I then looked at more recent pictures.  Obviously, I’m older and I still look great but that carefree spirit that I always loved is missing from the photos.  If it’s missing in the pictures, could it be missing from my life?  Can you relate to feeling like you’ve gotten stuck on the proverbial hamster wheel and stopped really living your life fully?  How do I find that girl again?  Honestly, I’m not quite sure.  But I do believe that she’s still inside me – she’s a part of my DNA.  I just have to find my way back to her.

We can get so caught up in the world around us that we lose part of ourselves in the process.  We have family responsibilities, our careers come with their own challenges, and then our friendships and relationships all take work.  I don’t care how amazing your relationship is – it all takes work.  Though the healthy ones don’t feel like work.  They feel like an investment.  Well, my friends, the best investment you can make is in yourself.  If you find yourself forgetting that you are your greatest asset, please take a moment and remember this and do an internal reset.  You matter.

I never want the world and life experiences to harden me.  I want them to encourage and empower me to keep going and changing.  This is my ‘I’m Back Baby’ moment.  I will find her again because she never really left.  Are you creating your own moment right now?

Those of you who have been on this journey with me are aware of the many transformations I’ve gone through over the years.  I love the journey I’m on and look forward to even more growth and evolution.  If you’re new to my blog; feel free to read some of the past blog posts and hope, you’ll join me here again next time.

XOXO till next time.

Alex

Don’t Call it a Comeback

 
I’ve always been a huge LL Cool J fan.  Who knew, right?  Mama Said Knock You Out is one of my favorite songs.  It always gets me revved up and pumped to take on the world.  The line ‘Don’t call it a comeback I been here for years’ has always hit deep for me and as I continue to grow and evolve as a person – it’s taken on new meaning.
 
How many times have people counted us out? 
How many times have we taken ourselves out of the game? 
How many times have we put others before ourselves? 
How many of us has lost ourselves in the relationships we had?
 
When relationships end, we find ourselves in a place of having to figure out who we are without being defined by the relationship.  How do you go back to being a ME when you got so used to be a WE?  We talk about finding ourselves like we were lost.  We must stop losing ourselves in order to make relationships work.  You must play in active role in your life, or your needs will get lost.
 
The pandemic forced many of us to look inward.  Some became bakers - wowing all their social media followers with banana bread and sour dough bread pictures.  Some decided to go on a health & wellness journey.  Some relationships were just getting started while others had finally run their course.  I found myself taking stock of my life and asking questions like:
 
What/who in my life makes me happy & why?
What/who in my life makes me unhappy & why?
What are things I’d like to work on?
What are things in my life that I am proud of and want to continue doing?
 
On the surface these questions felt easy to answer, but when I sat down to really think about the answers to them – the process felt overwhelming.  Looking inward is not easy.  Being honest with yourself about personal things is not easy.  We’d like to believe that we are perfect and that nothing is ever our fault.  It’s always someone else who has done us wrong.  Hate to burst your bubble – no one is perfect.   
 
For example, your partner has been mistreating you for a while.  Basically, hitting you in the head with red flag after red flag.  Instead of seeing the red flags as red flags, you decide to put them together and make yourself a scarf.  When the relationship finally ends – who’s fault is it?  His for mistreating you or yours for not having the self-worth & gusto to walk away after seeing the red flags?  You can ask these questions in just about any scenario. 
 
I can tell you that when some of my past relationships ended – it took me longer to forgive myself for not leaving sooner than it did to forgive them for not treating me well.  That was a tough pill to swallow.  There comes a point in everyone’s life where enough is enough.  You pull yourself out of the darkness and find your truest self again.  This is the greatest gift you can give yourself. 
 
So just a few little tidbits to think about for yourself.
 
Don’t call it a comeback.  It’s actually more of a Glow Up.
You didn’t break up.  You had a breakthrough.
You’re not lost.  You’re taking the scenic route to discovering yourself.
You don’t have exes.  You have examples of what you don’t want in your next relationship.

Dating Post Pandemic

I know it’s been a very long time since I have written a blog, but I had to take a break.  I think sometimes we all hit a wall and need to step away.  One thing is for certain, dating has NOT gotten any easier as we venture into the post pandemic era of the Covid crisis.  Yes, I know there are variants etc.  Not relevant to this blog though.

I’ve recently signed up for a couple dating apps because I’m ready to find my person.  Notice I did not say Mr. Right.  Ladies & Gents – Mr. /Ms. Right does not exist.  I believe there is a person out there for everyone; they are not going to perfect, but they will be who you are meant to be with at that time in your life.  They may be a bit bruised/dented like cans at the grocery store.  Please do not ask for a discount.  The person you are meant to be with is worth the effort.

So far, I’ve met Mr. Scam Artist / Mr. NOT Single / Mr. Ghosted / Mr. Please Be My Mrs. Robinson (The Graduate – look it up).  For someone like myself who has dated for many years but been out of the game for a while it is a bit frustrating to see how tough it really is to meet quality people.  Some of these Misters are very easy to spot and dismiss but I’ll say the scam artists and the people who are not single though pretend to be on the apps have really stepped up their game the past few years.

Here’s what I have found with the Scam Artist (male/female):

·       Sentence structure and word choices tell you they are not from the US

·       Often, they will claim to be widowers, military, or are overseas for work.  Have young children which they use as a pawn.

·       They almost always suggest getting off the app to speak offline on What’s App or similar apps.

·       They will tell you every amazing thing you could imagine about yourself.  I mean – who doesn’t like to be complimented…these scammers take it to a whole other level.

·       Let’s not forget, they will somehow work into the conversation that they need some money and to please send as a gift card.  They will promise to pay you back when you meet.

·       The more recent add on to the list would be that they want to send you a package to hold for them.  Really, they want your address and as much personal info so they can destroy your life.

 Stay Woke!!!

 Mr. NOT Single is a sneaky one for sure.  These days it’s very common to meet people who are divorced or fresh out of other relationships.  How are we supposed to know if someone is divorced or lying?  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but after a recent encounter with this character, I may need to rethink my strategy a bit. 

 Story Time!  Let’s all sit in a circle on the story time rug and I’ll begin.

Once upon a time a beautiful maiden joined a dating app called Plenty of Guppies…oh sorry, I meant Plenty of Fish.  As she filtered through the suitors with their strong opening messages of Hi…she came across a message from a one fish who asked great questions – many of which were from her profile.  His responses were well thought out and witty.  Let’s call him Mr. Unicorn.  He said all the right things, he was consistent in communication by phone and text, and they were genuinely enjoying getting to know each other. 

They made plans for a date.  Yes, the ‘magical’ first date!  Everything was going swimmingly…no pun intended.  OK, maybe a little pun was intended.  The plan was made, rescheduled, bumped again, and then finally confirmed.  The maiden arrives to the restaurant to find that Mr. Unicorn is not coming by text.  Yes, he sent a text.  This must be a mistake.  The maiden calls him.  No answer.  She texts him.  Again, no reply.  This must be a joke.  This just cannot be.  The maiden drives home disappointed and confused.  

The maiden takes some time and then the investigation begins.  You know the saying - “A woman scorned does better research than the FBI”.  The fair maiden discovered that he’s not divorced.  He does not live in the town he said he lives in, and the name he gave is his middle name. 

We all know it’s his loss.  She’ll meet someone when she least expects it.  She dodged a bullet.  Better to know now than 6 months down the line.  There’s no doubt that all these statements are true.  But Mr. Unicorn hid those red flags very well and fooled the maiden.  At least initially.

There must be a moral to the story, right?  Yes, of course.  Unicorns don’t exist.  (I couldn’t resist)

Pay attention to inconsistencies no matter how subtle.  Dating doesn’t have to be an interview;  don’t be afraid to ask the important questions.  Don’t get caught up in “great on paper”.  Compliments are nice but when you don’t know each other they are empty.  Don’t get caught up in the future talk when you don’t know each other.  Think of it as one date at a time.  Until you are exclusive – they owe you nothing. 

What’s next you ask?  Sky’s the limit.  Never quit because it’s hard.  Push harder.

Until next time…Happy Fishing.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We have all found ourselves in situations where we wonder “Should I stay or should I go?”.  Making the decision is the hardest part.  I don’t know anyone who wants to fail.  Sometimes giving up on something / someone you have invested so much time into can feel like you’ve failed.  The reality is – failing is staying in a situation that doesn’t bring you joy and doing nothing about it.  Happiness is a choice.  If someone is not enhancing your life by being a part of it; why would you stay?

In the past, I have definitely held on too tightly in relationships with people who could let go of me so easily.  I was a fixer so I tried to fix every wounded bird I found.  The problem with healing these wounded birds was that when they were all better – they flew away.  Many of them went on to find happiness with someone new.  I would be left thinking – why couldn’t they find happiness with me?  I did everything I could to make them happy but they walked away.  Read the previous sentence again.  Where in that statement were they doing anything to make me happy?  It was all about the things I did for them.  My needs weren’t even a part the equation.  Frankly, I wasn't a part of the equation.  

Let me tell you, coming to that realization felt like a punch to the gut.  Conversely, it was just the kick in the pants I needed to get to where I am now.  Taking a break from relationships allowed me the time to take a deeper look at what was important to me.  What I need, what I don’t need, and what I absolutely will not allow in any of my relationships are just some of the key things I focused on figuring out. 

Walking away is not easy.  Often times, we need to walk away from a situation to gain clarity into what we truly want.  Sometimes it leads us back to the same person with a fresh perspective.  You know the old saying - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".  Sometimes it leads us on a brand new path that is completely unexpected.  Either way – we will find ourselves in a different place emotionally and that's what this journey is all about.

Sometimes we stay because we care too much to go.  Sometimes we stay because having what we have is better than not having anything at all.  Many times we become defined by the relationship so much so that we don’t know who we would be if we weren’t a “WE”.  This thought gets magnified the longer you’ve been a “WE”.  It is important to remember that you as an individual are just as important as you are as part of a “WE”.  You have value.  You bring a lot to any table.  Do not allow yourself to become so defined by your relationship status that if your status changes; you feel lost.

It is natural to mourn the change in status.  I promise not to sit here and tell you how long you are supposed to grieve the ending.  There is no formula.  To all the people that claim that you should grieve for ½ the length of the relationship – you cannot put a time limit on anyone’s grief.  People have to go through the phases as they see fit and not what society dictates as the norm.  I can tell you that you will have days where you feel invincible.  You will have days where it is a chore to even leave the house.  Surround yourself with positive people who can support you during both. *Note – they may not be the same people.

If you find yourself at a crossroad in your relationship, all I ask is that you make a decision and not allow yourself to live in a holding pattern out of fear or pity.  Don’t be afraid to make a hard choice which could help you get closer to finding your joy.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship.  Go out and find it.

Gone Fishing

I’m back from my writing and dating sabbatical.  Did you miss me?  Hopefully I’m refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to jump back in with both feet into this wonderful world of dating.  My renewed energy has got me thinking.  Dangerous; I know.  Dating is a lot like fishing.  You need patience, good bait, and a strong line to reel in that mighty big fish.  Sometimes even with all the right things; you still don’t catch a thing.   Sometimes it’s just not your day.  Humor me as we delve deeper into this “gone fishing” theory.

Patience

We live in an “I NEED IT NOW” world and the universe wants us to wait for the right person to come along?  Is the universe crazy?  Patience is a virtue that most people don’t have.  We’re so busy focusing on what we don’t have and why we don’t have it that we miss an opportunity that’s staring us right in the face.  What we should be focusing on is making sure that we are doing everything we can to be ready for when the right opportunity presents itself.  Make sure your mind, body, and spirit are in alignment.  

We need to slow down and enjoy the stillness.  I’ve said this before and I will say it again.  Had I met "THE ONE" during the past couple years – I would not have noticed, appreciated, or known what to do with him.  Live your life.  Take that trip.  Spend time with the people who matter.  STOP and I mean STOP focusing on what you don’t have or being envious of what others have.  You never know what goes on behind closed doors.  No one’s life is perfect…even those who have found “the one”.

Have Good Bait

When it comes to dating; everyone has their wants, must haves, and deal breakers.  Some people’s lists are realistic.  Some of them will leave you scratching your head.  Some of them will leave you wondering what planet they are living on.  Think for a moment about what bait YOU are putting on your line.  For example, you might say you want someone who is athletic.  Are you athletic?  What bait are you using to attract someone who is athletic?  Are you sharing photos and stories of you hiking, working out, and being active?

Side note – Athletic does not mean you took a brisk walk once.  Describing one’s self as athletic leads people to assume that you’re active in sports, outdoor activities, working out etc.  Be honest when describing yourself as it does set an expectation for the person viewing the profile.  Eventually if all goes well - you will end up meeting each other.

We know the opposites attract thing can work however it’s important to be truthful with what is really important to you when it comes to matters of the heart.  If you want someone making 6 figures (with the commas in the right places) – be  prepared that this person is probably going to work long hours and may not be able to just drop everything at a moment’s notice.  What kind of finances are you bringing to the table?  Does your work ethic align with theirs?  Again, you have to have right bait to get a fish to grab hold of the line.

Strong Line

We all get so excited when a fish finally grabs hold.  Instinctively we jump into action and start trying to reel it in.  You’re fighting, pulling, and yanking that rod in hopes of not losing the fish.  Sometimes we catch ourselves fighting so hard to reel in that fish that we miss some important details like “Is this even a fish?” and we end up catching a toilet seat.  All that work for nothing.

Have you ever found yourself so excited to have met someone…anyone, that you overlook some important facts?  This is one of the most common ways to end up with a toilet seat.  How do you know that this is the right person if you have not taken the time to get to know them and to let them get to know you?  Stop trying to reel someone in so fast and take the time to get to them.  How many times has that fish taken your bait and left you hanging?  Now you’re tired, annoyed, and have no fish to show for it.  I hope this has given you some things to think about. 

Happy Fishing!

It’s Valentine’s Day and You’re “Single”

Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Single Awareness Day is upon us.  Better start crying because you’re single…NOT!  There is nothing wrong with being single.  I repeat…there is nothing wrong with being single.  The rest of the year - your friends who are married or in relationships will want to live vicariously through you because you are single and “free”. 

All of us would love to have someone special to celebrate Valentine’s Day with.  The key words are someone special.  Many of us just have not met the right person.  This in no way makes you less than.  It just means it’s not your time.  Timing is everything.  Think about where you were a few months ago or a year ago.  Do you think you would have recognized “the one” if they presented themselves?  In my case I know I wouldn’t have.  I was closed off, focusing on all the wrong things/people and didn’t trust my gut.  If you don’t trust yourself; how can you expect to trust someone else?

Whether you’ve been single for a long time or newly single I encourage you to do something that brings you joy on and around this day.  If you’re having fun – you’re less likely to think about what the day represents.  You are more than your dating status.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Single is not a disease.  The cure for the “Cupid Blues” is being happy and having fun.  Buy yourself some flowers and chocolates.  Go have an amazing meal somewhere with friends/family.

If you are actively looking to be in a relationship – think about what you’re doing and where you’re going.  Change things up.  Try a new dating app.  Go to a new place with your wing person.  Go to a new place by yourself and stay off your phone!  Strike up conversations with people.  I’ve met some of the coolest people just sitting at the bar.  No expectations, no preconceived notions, just pure laid back conversation.  We live on our phones and computers these days – hone your conversation skills.

If you’re on a dating sabbatical – keep doing what you’re doing.  When you’re ready to share your life with someone, everything will fall into place.  Why?  Because the timing will be right.  What if it doesn’t happen right away?  Well then it’s not the right time.  It’s not just about when your time is right but it’s when the timing for both of you is right.  Otherwise it will never work.  I saw a quote a while back that resonated with me. 

“If you want to make God laugh; tell Him your plans.”

You only live once.  Make the most of it.  Travel, fall in love, find your passion and chase your dreams.  Never be defined by your status.  You are more than.  Read it again and this time with feeling.  YOU ARE MORE THAN.  No more crying and feeling sorry for yourself because you’re single.  Don’t you realize how lucky you are?  Your love story is still being written.  Enjoy the journey.

Is it Possible to Get Carpal Tunnel From Swiping Left Too Much?

Well folks, I have decided to rejoin the online dating world.  Those who know me are well aware that I've said “NEVER AGAIN”.  As the old saying goes; never say never.  I took an extended dating hiatus and now feel ready to put myself out there.  So here I am jumping into the ocean of fish…or should I say guppies?  Would it be wrong of me to attach a link to my blogs for some of these guys to read with a note that says “Hey, thanks for reaching out.  I think you should read some of these blogs on the attached link for helpful tips for the future.”?  Too much?  Yeah, you’re probably right.

Before swiping left or right became a thing, people actually took the time to read the profile and then make contact.  Our society has become so visually driven that the mentality is: see a pretty picture - make contact.  Who cares that you have absolutely nothing in common based on the things you say you are looking for.  Shame on me for actually reading the profiles before replying or messaging anyone.  I’m not looking to waste someone’s time. 

Grounds for swiping left include but are not limited to:

·         Deal breakers – we all have them.  Kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, religion, politics

·         No profile pictures – it’s only fair…post a picture.  Everyone has at least one.

·         Scary profile pictures – if you look like a serial killer in your picture – I may swipe left

·         Obvious FAKE profile pictures / profiles

·         Inappropriate profile pictures

·         Geography

·         Profile description empty

·         Profile description does not match

·         Profile description is negative

Swiping left can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you for not being interested in so many people however it’s important to remember that the swipe feature on most apps does not pull from the people that match what you are looking for but rather pulls from app’s database.  There is nothing wrong with being selective.  You should be.  You have a lot to offer a relationship and you should not lower your standards or settle for someone less than just to potentially get into a relationship.  You're not single because you're broken.  You're single because you're looking to meet the right person for you.

I believe many of us are genuinely looking for love.  Please don’t let the heart emojis cloud your judgment.  There are a lot of catfish out there.  There are a lot of people who are not who they seem.  People can be anyone they want to be when hiding behind a computer screen.  Be open.  Give people a chance.  Just don’t be so blinded by your desire for love that your brain takes a back seat.  When your brain and your heart work together…magical things can happen.

The About Me section is your way to make a great first impression or go down in flames.  Don’t waste it by being negative about the app or the people on it.  Anyone who has been on a dating site before knows how tough it can be to meet quality people.  Use this opportunity to show them why you're different.  Not everyone you email is going to be interested.  Don’t get discouraged.  Say something more than "Hi" if you want a real response.  Maybe reference something that caught your attention in their profile and ask them a question about it.  

I recently have a guy message me late at night.  Strike 1.  The ding on my phone woke me up.  I looked at the message and then looked at his profile.  His "about me" section was so negative; I just moved on.  Strike 2.  The next morning, he sent me a message that was accusing me of not responding because he doesn’t look like George Clooney and other passive aggressive nonsense.  Strike 3.  I politely told him that I don’t think he’s a very nice person and we should just leave at that.  Then I used this amazing invention called BLOCK.  Just like that - he's out. 

There are lots of characters out there.  Since they don’t know you, they will initially treat you as they know how to.  It’s important to set boundaries.  This is how they will get to know you and adjust how they treat you based on what you allow.  Think about this.  Do you think guys would continue to send inappropriate pictures and messages if every woman was offended?  I don’t.  There’s probably been at least 1 or 2 women that has liked or engaged in that type communication with them so that’s what has become the lead in approach for some of these guys.  It’s become their barometer to gauge how far they can push things with you.  For me – they get a swift swipe left.  Keep it classy guys.

What do you think?  Is it possible to get carpal tunnel from swiping left too much?

Happy Fishing!

When Zombies Attack!

No, I don’t mean the cast from The Walking Dead.  I mean the “EX” that shows up out of the blue.  I don’t think I will every truly understand why they think that it’s ok to just reappear out of seemingly thin air and stir things up.  What is there to gain?  What do they expect to happen?  You are an ex for a reason.  Many times, when the zombies return, the reason is even more clear than when the break-up first happened.

An ex of mine from over 10 years ago…yes, you read it right – 10 YEARS AGO; reached out to me recently because “he wants to show me how much he’s changed.”  Sweet right?  Think again.  His approach and the conversation that followed showed me that not only has he not changed but was sadly in the same exact place emotionally as he was all those years ago.  He has not grown at all.  I thought to myself - I’ve been Zombie-ed!  Let’s just say our relationship was not a healthy one and did not end well.  There were many promises followed by countless let downs.  I forgave him a long time ago, but it does not mean that I want him in my life.

When we are at a crossroads in our lives and see others moving forward with theirs, it’s common to think:  When were you last happy?  Who have you wronged in your life?  What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?  Add in a few cocktails, and you get the Zombie effect.  The fact that he reached out to me had very little to do with me and everything to do with his ego.  The entire conversation was very one-sided.  At no point during our short exchange did he ask anything about my life. He didn’t care if I was in a relationship, married, have kids etc.  All that mattered in this moment was that he wanted to get stuff off his chest and was going to tell me what he wants going forward for “US”.  The problem is that we stopped being an “US” years ago.  His wants and needs are no longer my concern.  I made sure to remind him of this.

Why do I share this? Zombie attacks are on the rise.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we need to be armed and ready.  You never know when they will strike.  As we get older, people from our past seem to resurface more frequently than not.  Thanks, Social Media.  I am a firm believer that people can change and grow.  If this is the case listen to what the zombie has to say. Change is possible.  Actions will demonstrate growth faster than words ever could.  If you are not interested; be direct, firm in your convictions and state your intentions clearly.  If you are still feeling attacked by a zombie –you are not alone.  Please understand it’s their ego.  They can’t let go and forgive themselves for what they have done and the pain they’ve caused.  “I’m sorry.  You didn’t deserve it.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me” are just a few of the lines that the zombies will start out with.  Believe me, it will grow old fast.  I’m sure if you think back to your relationship, you will recall hearing all of these same things when you were together.

People need to come correct or not come at all!

After I hung up the phone, I smiled. Not because I killed a zombie (cool visual though). I smiled because this exchange showed me that I am not the same woman who fell for empty promises.  I no longer make excuses for his antics and recognize what he’s trying to do.  In this scenario, the best reaction is no reaction.  Now hopefully you have some tips on how to combat them if it happens to you.  If the zombie situation escalates then BLOCK them on all communication methods possible. 

WARNING:  I do not recommend going out and hunting zombies.  If you seek out a zombie and make contact, there is a chance that you will become a zombie yourself. 

Know Your Worth - No Discounts

Dating is not easy.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  It’s not for the weak of faith.  You have to love yourself, know your worth, and be ready to defend it if/when you are challenged.  I grew up in a time when dating was easier.  You met.  You clicked.  They CALLED and asked you out for a date.  You  got dressed up and went out and took the time to get to know each other.  With online dating and a new app popping up every day; it seems people feel they know you just because they liked what you wrote in your bio or the pictures you shared.  They are quick to assume that you can fast forward through the getting to know you phase and go right into the “getting to REALLY know you” phase; if you know what I mean.  I refuse to believe that this will be our new normal because of social media and technology.  You cannot take the human out of human connection.

I recently went out with a guy I met online.  We exchanged messages for less than a day and met up the next night for our date.  It had all the makings of a promising date.  Nice guy, good conversation, nice atmosphere.  We talked about a range of topics and also delved into what we are looking for in a relationship.  We talked about how important it is to take the time to get to know each other before rushing intimacy or commitment.   At the end, I agreed to a second date.  We met for the second date a few days later.  I think it’s important to note that in between the dates; we texted sporadically but never spoke on the phone to continue to get to know each other.  Our second date was mid-week, which meant it was a bit more casual because we were both heading home after a long day at the office.  The conversation flowed but not as smoothly as on the first date.  We weren’t really connecting on that “date” level.  As he walked me to my car, he instantly suggested going back to his place.  I was completely put off.  Were we on the same date?  We don’t know each other, having spent a total of maybe 3 hours since meeting a few days prior.  Why would he even think that would be a possibly?  I politely declined the advance and we continued our walk to my car.  He again made the suggestion and I reminded him more directly of my previous answer which was NO.  We parted ways and at this point, I knew we would not be seeing each other again.

I share this tale because we often find ourselves in situations where we have to make a choice.  Do we remain true to ourselves and our values or do we sacrifice what we hold dear because someone is trying to make us feel a certain way about our position?  People can often try to pressure us into a situation we are not comfortable with by verbally painting a facade of their true intentions.  His reasoning for wanting me to go back to his place was that he wanted to spend more time with me.  Flattering?  Absolutely.  However, if he really wanted to spend more time with me – we could have gone somewhere else for a part 2 of the date (bowling, shooting pool, listen to music somewhere).  His true intention was not to spend more time with me in the same way as I would expect after 2 dates.  Thanks to birth of “Netflix and Chill” we don’t have to wonder about the intentions behind these types of invitations.

In relationships – I live by the rule of say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you have both agreed that you want to take things slow and get to know each other; then this is exactly how it will go because you are on the same page.  If someone wants you to be “their girl” they will do everything in their power to make sure you are.  If someone tells you they love you then you will feel loved every day by that person.  You have to know your worth and what you expect from your relationships before actually getting into them.  Know the intentions behind the words you say.  Set your boundaries and be clear about them so that if someone is not treating you in a manner that you are comfortable with – the choice to walk away from the situation is easy.

Remember, you are a unique.  There is no one else like you.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy, loving relationship with someone who values you for all the qualities you possess.  YOU decide how you will allow yourself to be treated.  Know your worth.  Live your truth.  Love the person you are because you’ve fought like hell to become you.

Trust Your Gut

After taking a slightly longer dating sabbatical than expected; I have officially jumped back into the dating pool; though I think someone forgot to clean it and fill it with fresh water for the season. Ouch!

I’ve decided to give the dating app a try again. What I’ve noticed is not much has changed. Many of the same faces and I mean literally the same faces. They have not even updated their photos from a year ago. Not only are the photos the same but so is all the content of their profiles. Are you honestly expecting me the reader to believe that in a year- you have not changed even a little? Come on people; put in some effort.

Whenever you’re getting back onto the dating scene, I feel it’s important to be open. Leave judgment at the door and allow people to show you who they are and what their intentions may be. Chat with a guy/girl that isn’t 100% your type because you never know…they might surprise you. Being open doesn’t mean being naive. It’s important to pay attention to what people are saying and what they aren’t. Let’s look at this further.

I began chatting with a guy – let’s call him Rig. He said he works on an oil rig so the name fits. His emails are full of flourishing descriptions of himself, the type of woman he’s looking for, likes/dislikes. As we communicate back and forth, I ask some follow up questions based on the answers he has already given to really get an open dialog going and to get to know each other. The door is wide open for him to do the same on things I have shared about myself – yet he doesn’t engage. He continues to further express the “type of man he is” in broad strokes in hopes that I won’t notice that he has not answered any of my questions. He gives very surface compliments about me like “you’re such a strong woman or based on what he’s looking for I could be HER”.

Tip – if you’re going to tell me the name of the company and city/state it’s in – please don’t be surprised if I use this cool little online tool called Google to look it up to learn more. It’s not me being untrusting. It’s me being curious.

After a couple days of this, my gut started to tell me - “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark” (Shakespeare always knows just what to say). I decided to ask more specific questions about his emails and lack of “real” communication without all the “I like walks in the park, listening to the sound of rain, cuddling up with someone” nonsense. Guess what? Radio silence. Am I surprised? Nope. Am I disappointed? Not at all.

You have to trust your gut. My instincts were telling me that this guy was saying all the right things but really wasn’t saying anything at all. By not saying anything – he said EVERYTHING that I would want to know about him. Read that back a couple times and it will make sense – I promise.

People can be anyone they want to be when they are online. Face to face it’s a little harder (not impossible) to pull off. When you are you chatting, texting, or hanging out don’t forget that they are showing you who they are just as you are showing them who you are. If they are not actively trying to get to know you better and engaging in real conversation – it’s OK to speak up. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in their bouquets of bullshit.

While many people hate the stress that goes along with dating…I enjoy it. It allows me the opportunity to share stories with you and to hopefully make you laugh, make you think, and maybe…just maybe give you a different perspective on how you might view something/someone. Happy Reading and Happy dating my friends!

Let Go of Your Past and Your Past Will Let Go of You

I used to think this was just one of those hokey motivational phrases that people threw out to make themselves feel better.  Well – I WAS WRONG. 

After a break up, have you ever thought to yourself – “I wish I said this or wish I hadn’t said/done that”? Recently I got the amazing gift of being contacted by an ex.  Yes, the dreaded ex.  Not just any ex but THE EX.  The one whose actions rocked me to my core…well what was my core back then.  Nearly 8 years ago to be exact.  I’ve moved on; I’ve been in other relationships; I forgave him for all he’s done. 

Why do I say it was an amazing gift?  Well, you never know until you are placed back in a situation how you will react.  I was contacted unexpectedly so my first reaction was to react but I chose to wait it out a bit until I could gather my thoughts.  This is a good thing to do in any situation.  Composure really does help ensure that you are very clear with your intentions.  He was apologizing and making all kinds of declarations of his feelings.  However he forgot one thing…I KNOW HIM.  His words have always been empty because of the lack of action behind them and as the conversation continued, I was transported back to that time.  I had no idea that I still had this ongoing list of things that I wished I had said to him.  And when the opportunity presented itself, well to put it nicely…I “Unleashed the Kraken”.  I said everything I have ever wanted to say and so much more.  Such a freeing and liberating experience.

I don’t share this story because I think everyone should call up their ex and unleash years’ worth of unresolved feelings.  Though that could be interesting.  I share it because many of us wish we had the opportunity to fully express ourselves at the end of a relationship.  How many of us have seen our friendships fade away without really understanding what happened?  Sometimes people just grow apart, but sometimes there is a misunderstanding that had you both communicated at the time – the rift could have been avoided.  People hate confrontation that so often it is less “scary” to just walk away than actually have a conversation about issue at hand.

In your life, do you have that THE EX?  Do feel like you have fully closed that chapter or is there ever a feeling that things were left unsaid?  We are not all given the gift I was of being able to say everything to the ex.  Grab a notebook or just sheet of paper.  Write them a Dear Ex letter and then crumple it up and throw it away.  You’ll be amazed by how much lighter you feel getting all those feelings out.

You deserve happiness.  True happiness comes from the inside.  By letting go of what holds you back – you are able to propel yourself forward towards the next adventure in your life.  Endings are sad but an ending is just beginning of something new.  We often dwell on what we don’t have in our lives that we miss all the possibilities around us.  Stay open, stay true and you may surprise yourself.  Opportunities are all around us.  All we have to do is look up.

It's Not You...It's Me

“It’s Not You It’s Me” may sound cliché.  But often times this is exactly what is meant.  Sometimes it’s the reverse – “It’s Not Me It’s You”.  In our lives we may have ended relationships with people who were great but they weren’t great for us.  People have ended relationships with us because we just weren’t a good fit for them.  I know many use this as a cop out.  No one wants to have that tough conversation when the other person wants to know “WHY” you are ending the relationship.  There is always a reason for the ending of a relationship.  It’s just a matter of if we get the real reason.

It’s hard not to take a break up personally.  We second guess everything we felt or said throughout the entire relationship trying to rationalize what we could have done differently to make you want to be with us.  Suddenly this person who we had lukewarm feelings for in the first place is the most important relationship of our lives and we need to know why they don’t want to be with us.  Often, those red flags we were seeing in the relationship now seem like little bumps in the road that we totally could have worked through.  All for the sake of being in a relationship.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Being single is not a disease.  We’ve all sat there making excuses for the ones we are with because we want to rationalize their behavior.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why someone acts the way they do except that they are not the ones for us.  Everyone goes through things in life.  People process emotions differently.  Some people pull away and just need space in order to figure things out.  Some people need more than space and need a break.  Hence the old Friends episode:  “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”  A break is not always a break up but sometimes it is.  Navigating this is part of relationships.  It’s not always easy, it’s often times messy but it’s also a part of life.

I look back on some of my relationships and think:

·         What the heck was I thinking?

·         How could they change so fast?

·         Wow, dodged a bullet there.

·         Why did I stay so long?

·         Did I not stay long enough?

It’s important to reflect and think about what happened in our relationships.  In some cases, we have to accept that we were wrong about the person.  Sometimes people are not who we believe or want them to be.  And sometimes they are exactly who they have always been but we chose not to look deep enough.  We try to rationalize warning signs because we want to be open and not judgmental.  However it’s important that we not simply breeze past those big orange cones warning us about danger ahead for the sake of trying to be open and non-judgmental. 

Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

·         They’ve got a lot going on right now.

·         I’m just giving them some time/space to figure things out.

·         He / She is just so busy with work.

·         They are really nice when you get to know them.

·         I know that when things settle down things will get back on track.

Relationships take work.  Guess what?  Everyone has a lot of things going on these days.  Between family, friends, and work – the amount of free time has become more and more limited.  The days of a true 9-5 job are gone.  Thanks to the fast paced world we now live in; we all need answers to even the easiest questions – NOW!  Thanks in large part to technology – people’s communication skills have suffered.  I know that I have said this before but communication is the building block of every good relationship.  We have to be able to work through our differences and celebrate our successes.  Being in a relationship does not mean that everything is instantly perfect.  Things are going to get messy.  You’re going to fight and disagree.  You’re going to love and laugh.  Make sure that you are not blinded by the bliss of being in a relationship that miss the important signs just ahead.

Thriving Through Grief

I’m sorry that I have been a bit M.I.A. lately.  I was dealing with a personal tragedy with the passing of my amazing grandpa.  It got me thinking about grief and the many different ways we deal with it.  I promise to get back to my lighthearted and thought provoking blogs that many of you have come to love.  However, since I do focus on personal growth and change in my blogs, I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to discuss grief and my thoughts on how to work through it.  This is a topic that many shy away from because it’s so personal.  There’s no textbook way of dealing with grief.  Everyone feels things differently.  I’ve been through many things in life and can only share what I have learned from my experiences in hopes of helping even just one person.

My grandpa was a shining light in this world.  Anyone who met him automatically loved him.  He just had this indescribable thing.  He had a zest for life and charisma to boot.  When he got sick, I experienced many moments of sadness/helplessness because I knew that life with him would be very different and that life without him was coming sooner than I was ready to accept.  Facing mortality head on really does put things into perspective.  I watched him come to grips with what was coming.  He did it with love, laughter, and till his very last breath; a passion for life. 

The emotional roller coaster has been quite the trip and I am reminded of why I don’t like roller coasters.  My nature is to be happy, upbeat, and optimistic.  Sadness, negativity, and dread do not sit well with me.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I apologized to my friends for being a “negative Nelly” or a “Debbie downer”.  They continuously reminded me that I was allowed to feel these emotions and that I am in no way a burden or being negative.  In those moments, I felt like I needed permission to allow myself to break down and feel these deep difficult emotions.  I am not sure why I felt I needed permission to feel it but I am glad that I ultimately allowed myself to experience them.

When people around me are having a tough time, I often tell them “It’s OK to have a tough time or a bad day; just don’t live there.”  Well now that I’m the one going through it…I have to follow my own advice.  Some days this has proven difficult.  I go through these moments of pure joy and laughter; where things feel “normal” and then it hits you like a ton of bricks – (cue the water works). 

When you are grieving - you are going to get sad, you’re going to get angry, and you’re going to feel a sense of relief.  I am relieved to know that he is no longer suffering.  Towards the end, he was not living his life as fully as he had before.  I would think to myself how cruel it was.  Knowing that he is now at peace has allowed me to be at peace with what has happened.  I carry the many beautiful memories we made with me every day. 

It’s important to channel your energy into positive ways.  Remembering our loved ones fondly and taking the best parts of them by incorporating them into our day to day lives.  Put into action the behaviors we hold most dear.  For me, as you may have guessed…my outlet is writing.  Find something that brings you joy and then just go out and do it.  I know he is watching over me and my family.  I hope that I continue to live my life with the passion, conviction, and fire with which my grandfather lived his.  

Perception is Reality?

I had a manager once who would always say Perception is Reality.  While I’ve always respected them and still do; I could never quite get behind this statement fully because Perception is not necessarily my reality…it’s the person doing the perceiving’s reality.  Who is to say that this person is right?  If someone misunderstands a message that I feel I have expressed clearly am I really wrong?  There’s definitely a middle ground somewhere.  I always strive to communicate as effectively as possible to avoid misunderstandings; however, when the person receiving information has their own preconceived notions – they are bound to misunderstand any statement that doesn’t fall in line with their belief system.

We are judged on a daily basis.  What we look like, what we sound like, how we dress – all come into question.  Our harshest critics are often ourselves; which is really unfortunate.  I spent years worrying about what other people thought about me.  Was I pretty enough?  Was I smart enough?  Was I thin enough?  The key here is “enough”.  Who decides what makes me “ENOUGH”?  I was trying to live up to the ideal that I thought people around me were setting for me.  Key word is thought. 

I am so happy that I grew up before the internet was around.  Yes, back in the stone ages when people passed notes about you in class or whispered behind your back.  There were no hate pages/posts popping up all over social media.  We had bullies and their words were powerful and hurtful but somehow many of us rose up and didn’t falter for long.  We weren’t glued to every word written about us and found a way to eventually figure out who we were and didn’t mind the “HATERS”.  When you take away the power of other people’s words, they can no longer hurt you.

Becoming comfortable in my own skin wasn’t about giving up on wanting to changes.  It was about loving the person I have become wholeheartedly.  When you accept who you are and don’t judge yourself for it…your whole attitude is different.  Any changes you try to make; your spirit understands are for the right reasons and not because of something anyone else said.  Changes become a part of your life as opposed to this chore you are just trying to get through.  For example, when I first started working out with my trainer years ago, I was doing it because that’s what I thought I should do.  My heart wasn’t in it.  I dreaded each workout and the lack of results showed.  Eventually, I changed my way of thinking and something just clicked.  These days, I look forward to training, pushing it hard, and trying new things.  I’m not where I want to be but I am closer than I was.

The perception I had was that I needed to change to be accepted by others.  The reality is that I chose to change because I wanted to and I don’t care what other people think.  When you do things for yourself the experience is much more rewarding than when you do it because other people are expecting you to do it.  Break it down even further.  When you do something nice for someone are you doing it because they expect you to and you expect the same in return or do you do it because it’s in you to do something nice for people without any expectations?

BE WHO YOU ARE.  LOVE WHO YOU ARE.  BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.  

Most of all - do it for yourself and not because you believe that you have to do it for someone else to accept you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Be kind to yourselves and each other.