It’s Valentine’s Day and You’re “Single”

Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Single Awareness Day is upon us.  Better start crying because you’re single…NOT!  There is nothing wrong with being single.  I repeat…there is nothing wrong with being single.  The rest of the year - your friends who are married or in relationships will want to live vicariously through you because you are single and “free”. 

All of us would love to have someone special to celebrate Valentine’s Day with.  The key words are someone special.  Many of us just have not met the right person.  This in no way makes you less than.  It just means it’s not your time.  Timing is everything.  Think about where you were a few months ago or a year ago.  Do you think you would have recognized “the one” if they presented themselves?  In my case I know I wouldn’t have.  I was closed off, focusing on all the wrong things/people and didn’t trust my gut.  If you don’t trust yourself; how can you expect to trust someone else?

Whether you’ve been single for a long time or newly single I encourage you to do something that brings you joy on and around this day.  If you’re having fun – you’re less likely to think about what the day represents.  You are more than your dating status.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Single is not a disease.  The cure for the “Cupid Blues” is being happy and having fun.  Buy yourself some flowers and chocolates.  Go have an amazing meal somewhere with friends/family.

If you are actively looking to be in a relationship – think about what you’re doing and where you’re going.  Change things up.  Try a new dating app.  Go to a new place with your wing person.  Go to a new place by yourself and stay off your phone!  Strike up conversations with people.  I’ve met some of the coolest people just sitting at the bar.  No expectations, no preconceived notions, just pure laid back conversation.  We live on our phones and computers these days – hone your conversation skills.

If you’re on a dating sabbatical – keep doing what you’re doing.  When you’re ready to share your life with someone, everything will fall into place.  Why?  Because the timing will be right.  What if it doesn’t happen right away?  Well then it’s not the right time.  It’s not just about when your time is right but it’s when the timing for both of you is right.  Otherwise it will never work.  I saw a quote a while back that resonated with me. 

“If you want to make God laugh; tell Him your plans.”

You only live once.  Make the most of it.  Travel, fall in love, find your passion and chase your dreams.  Never be defined by your status.  You are more than.  Read it again and this time with feeling.  YOU ARE MORE THAN.  No more crying and feeling sorry for yourself because you’re single.  Don’t you realize how lucky you are?  Your love story is still being written.  Enjoy the journey.

Is it Possible to Get Carpal Tunnel From Swiping Left Too Much?

Well folks, I have decided to rejoin the online dating world.  Those who know me are well aware that I've said “NEVER AGAIN”.  As the old saying goes; never say never.  I took an extended dating hiatus and now feel ready to put myself out there.  So here I am jumping into the ocean of fish…or should I say guppies?  Would it be wrong of me to attach a link to my blogs for some of these guys to read with a note that says “Hey, thanks for reaching out.  I think you should read some of these blogs on the attached link for helpful tips for the future.”?  Too much?  Yeah, you’re probably right.

Before swiping left or right became a thing, people actually took the time to read the profile and then make contact.  Our society has become so visually driven that the mentality is: see a pretty picture - make contact.  Who cares that you have absolutely nothing in common based on the things you say you are looking for.  Shame on me for actually reading the profiles before replying or messaging anyone.  I’m not looking to waste someone’s time. 

Grounds for swiping left include but are not limited to:

·         Deal breakers – we all have them.  Kids/no kids, smoking/no smoking, religion, politics

·         No profile pictures – it’s only fair…post a picture.  Everyone has at least one.

·         Scary profile pictures – if you look like a serial killer in your picture – I may swipe left

·         Obvious FAKE profile pictures / profiles

·         Inappropriate profile pictures

·         Geography

·         Profile description empty

·         Profile description does not match

·         Profile description is negative

Swiping left can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you for not being interested in so many people however it’s important to remember that the swipe feature on most apps does not pull from the people that match what you are looking for but rather pulls from app’s database.  There is nothing wrong with being selective.  You should be.  You have a lot to offer a relationship and you should not lower your standards or settle for someone less than just to potentially get into a relationship.  You're not single because you're broken.  You're single because you're looking to meet the right person for you.

I believe many of us are genuinely looking for love.  Please don’t let the heart emojis cloud your judgment.  There are a lot of catfish out there.  There are a lot of people who are not who they seem.  People can be anyone they want to be when hiding behind a computer screen.  Be open.  Give people a chance.  Just don’t be so blinded by your desire for love that your brain takes a back seat.  When your brain and your heart work together…magical things can happen.

The About Me section is your way to make a great first impression or go down in flames.  Don’t waste it by being negative about the app or the people on it.  Anyone who has been on a dating site before knows how tough it can be to meet quality people.  Use this opportunity to show them why you're different.  Not everyone you email is going to be interested.  Don’t get discouraged.  Say something more than "Hi" if you want a real response.  Maybe reference something that caught your attention in their profile and ask them a question about it.  

I recently have a guy message me late at night.  Strike 1.  The ding on my phone woke me up.  I looked at the message and then looked at his profile.  His "about me" section was so negative; I just moved on.  Strike 2.  The next morning, he sent me a message that was accusing me of not responding because he doesn’t look like George Clooney and other passive aggressive nonsense.  Strike 3.  I politely told him that I don’t think he’s a very nice person and we should just leave at that.  Then I used this amazing invention called BLOCK.  Just like that - he's out. 

There are lots of characters out there.  Since they don’t know you, they will initially treat you as they know how to.  It’s important to set boundaries.  This is how they will get to know you and adjust how they treat you based on what you allow.  Think about this.  Do you think guys would continue to send inappropriate pictures and messages if every woman was offended?  I don’t.  There’s probably been at least 1 or 2 women that has liked or engaged in that type communication with them so that’s what has become the lead in approach for some of these guys.  It’s become their barometer to gauge how far they can push things with you.  For me – they get a swift swipe left.  Keep it classy guys.

What do you think?  Is it possible to get carpal tunnel from swiping left too much?

Happy Fishing!

When Zombies Attack!

No, I don’t mean the cast from The Walking Dead.  I mean the “EX” that shows up out of the blue.  I don’t think I will every truly understand why they think that it’s ok to just reappear out of seemingly thin air and stir things up.  What is there to gain?  What do they expect to happen?  You are an ex for a reason.  Many times, when the zombies return, the reason is even more clear than when the break-up first happened.

An ex of mine from over 10 years ago…yes, you read it right – 10 YEARS AGO; reached out to me recently because “he wants to show me how much he’s changed.”  Sweet right?  Think again.  His approach and the conversation that followed showed me that not only has he not changed but was sadly in the same exact place emotionally as he was all those years ago.  He has not grown at all.  I thought to myself - I’ve been Zombie-ed!  Let’s just say our relationship was not a healthy one and did not end well.  There were many promises followed by countless let downs.  I forgave him a long time ago, but it does not mean that I want him in my life.

When we are at a crossroads in our lives and see others moving forward with theirs, it’s common to think:  When were you last happy?  Who have you wronged in your life?  What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?  Add in a few cocktails, and you get the Zombie effect.  The fact that he reached out to me had very little to do with me and everything to do with his ego.  The entire conversation was very one-sided.  At no point during our short exchange did he ask anything about my life. He didn’t care if I was in a relationship, married, have kids etc.  All that mattered in this moment was that he wanted to get stuff off his chest and was going to tell me what he wants going forward for “US”.  The problem is that we stopped being an “US” years ago.  His wants and needs are no longer my concern.  I made sure to remind him of this.

Why do I share this? Zombie attacks are on the rise.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we need to be armed and ready.  You never know when they will strike.  As we get older, people from our past seem to resurface more frequently than not.  Thanks, Social Media.  I am a firm believer that people can change and grow.  If this is the case listen to what the zombie has to say. Change is possible.  Actions will demonstrate growth faster than words ever could.  If you are not interested; be direct, firm in your convictions and state your intentions clearly.  If you are still feeling attacked by a zombie –you are not alone.  Please understand it’s their ego.  They can’t let go and forgive themselves for what they have done and the pain they’ve caused.  “I’m sorry.  You didn’t deserve it.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me” are just a few of the lines that the zombies will start out with.  Believe me, it will grow old fast.  I’m sure if you think back to your relationship, you will recall hearing all of these same things when you were together.

People need to come correct or not come at all!

After I hung up the phone, I smiled. Not because I killed a zombie (cool visual though). I smiled because this exchange showed me that I am not the same woman who fell for empty promises.  I no longer make excuses for his antics and recognize what he’s trying to do.  In this scenario, the best reaction is no reaction.  Now hopefully you have some tips on how to combat them if it happens to you.  If the zombie situation escalates then BLOCK them on all communication methods possible. 

WARNING:  I do not recommend going out and hunting zombies.  If you seek out a zombie and make contact, there is a chance that you will become a zombie yourself. 

Know Your Worth - No Discounts

Dating is not easy.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  It’s not for the weak of faith.  You have to love yourself, know your worth, and be ready to defend it if/when you are challenged.  I grew up in a time when dating was easier.  You met.  You clicked.  They CALLED and asked you out for a date.  You  got dressed up and went out and took the time to get to know each other.  With online dating and a new app popping up every day; it seems people feel they know you just because they liked what you wrote in your bio or the pictures you shared.  They are quick to assume that you can fast forward through the getting to know you phase and go right into the “getting to REALLY know you” phase; if you know what I mean.  I refuse to believe that this will be our new normal because of social media and technology.  You cannot take the human out of human connection.

I recently went out with a guy I met online.  We exchanged messages for less than a day and met up the next night for our date.  It had all the makings of a promising date.  Nice guy, good conversation, nice atmosphere.  We talked about a range of topics and also delved into what we are looking for in a relationship.  We talked about how important it is to take the time to get to know each other before rushing intimacy or commitment.   At the end, I agreed to a second date.  We met for the second date a few days later.  I think it’s important to note that in between the dates; we texted sporadically but never spoke on the phone to continue to get to know each other.  Our second date was mid-week, which meant it was a bit more casual because we were both heading home after a long day at the office.  The conversation flowed but not as smoothly as on the first date.  We weren’t really connecting on that “date” level.  As he walked me to my car, he instantly suggested going back to his place.  I was completely put off.  Were we on the same date?  We don’t know each other, having spent a total of maybe 3 hours since meeting a few days prior.  Why would he even think that would be a possibly?  I politely declined the advance and we continued our walk to my car.  He again made the suggestion and I reminded him more directly of my previous answer which was NO.  We parted ways and at this point, I knew we would not be seeing each other again.

I share this tale because we often find ourselves in situations where we have to make a choice.  Do we remain true to ourselves and our values or do we sacrifice what we hold dear because someone is trying to make us feel a certain way about our position?  People can often try to pressure us into a situation we are not comfortable with by verbally painting a facade of their true intentions.  His reasoning for wanting me to go back to his place was that he wanted to spend more time with me.  Flattering?  Absolutely.  However, if he really wanted to spend more time with me – we could have gone somewhere else for a part 2 of the date (bowling, shooting pool, listen to music somewhere).  His true intention was not to spend more time with me in the same way as I would expect after 2 dates.  Thanks to birth of “Netflix and Chill” we don’t have to wonder about the intentions behind these types of invitations.

In relationships – I live by the rule of say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you have both agreed that you want to take things slow and get to know each other; then this is exactly how it will go because you are on the same page.  If someone wants you to be “their girl” they will do everything in their power to make sure you are.  If someone tells you they love you then you will feel loved every day by that person.  You have to know your worth and what you expect from your relationships before actually getting into them.  Know the intentions behind the words you say.  Set your boundaries and be clear about them so that if someone is not treating you in a manner that you are comfortable with – the choice to walk away from the situation is easy.

Remember, you are a unique.  There is no one else like you.  You deserve to be in a happy, healthy, loving relationship with someone who values you for all the qualities you possess.  YOU decide how you will allow yourself to be treated.  Know your worth.  Live your truth.  Love the person you are because you’ve fought like hell to become you.

Trust Your Gut

After taking a slightly longer dating sabbatical than expected; I have officially jumped back into the dating pool; though I think someone forgot to clean it and fill it with fresh water for the season. Ouch!

I’ve decided to give the dating app a try again. What I’ve noticed is not much has changed. Many of the same faces and I mean literally the same faces. They have not even updated their photos from a year ago. Not only are the photos the same but so is all the content of their profiles. Are you honestly expecting me the reader to believe that in a year- you have not changed even a little? Come on people; put in some effort.

Whenever you’re getting back onto the dating scene, I feel it’s important to be open. Leave judgment at the door and allow people to show you who they are and what their intentions may be. Chat with a guy/girl that isn’t 100% your type because you never know…they might surprise you. Being open doesn’t mean being naive. It’s important to pay attention to what people are saying and what they aren’t. Let’s look at this further.

I began chatting with a guy – let’s call him Rig. He said he works on an oil rig so the name fits. His emails are full of flourishing descriptions of himself, the type of woman he’s looking for, likes/dislikes. As we communicate back and forth, I ask some follow up questions based on the answers he has already given to really get an open dialog going and to get to know each other. The door is wide open for him to do the same on things I have shared about myself – yet he doesn’t engage. He continues to further express the “type of man he is” in broad strokes in hopes that I won’t notice that he has not answered any of my questions. He gives very surface compliments about me like “you’re such a strong woman or based on what he’s looking for I could be HER”.

Tip – if you’re going to tell me the name of the company and city/state it’s in – please don’t be surprised if I use this cool little online tool called Google to look it up to learn more. It’s not me being untrusting. It’s me being curious.

After a couple days of this, my gut started to tell me - “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark” (Shakespeare always knows just what to say). I decided to ask more specific questions about his emails and lack of “real” communication without all the “I like walks in the park, listening to the sound of rain, cuddling up with someone” nonsense. Guess what? Radio silence. Am I surprised? Nope. Am I disappointed? Not at all.

You have to trust your gut. My instincts were telling me that this guy was saying all the right things but really wasn’t saying anything at all. By not saying anything – he said EVERYTHING that I would want to know about him. Read that back a couple times and it will make sense – I promise.

People can be anyone they want to be when they are online. Face to face it’s a little harder (not impossible) to pull off. When you are you chatting, texting, or hanging out don’t forget that they are showing you who they are just as you are showing them who you are. If they are not actively trying to get to know you better and engaging in real conversation – it’s OK to speak up. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in their bouquets of bullshit.

While many people hate the stress that goes along with dating…I enjoy it. It allows me the opportunity to share stories with you and to hopefully make you laugh, make you think, and maybe…just maybe give you a different perspective on how you might view something/someone. Happy Reading and Happy dating my friends!

Let Go of Your Past and Your Past Will Let Go of You

I used to think this was just one of those hokey motivational phrases that people threw out to make themselves feel better.  Well – I WAS WRONG. 

After a break up, have you ever thought to yourself – “I wish I said this or wish I hadn’t said/done that”? Recently I got the amazing gift of being contacted by an ex.  Yes, the dreaded ex.  Not just any ex but THE EX.  The one whose actions rocked me to my core…well what was my core back then.  Nearly 8 years ago to be exact.  I’ve moved on; I’ve been in other relationships; I forgave him for all he’s done. 

Why do I say it was an amazing gift?  Well, you never know until you are placed back in a situation how you will react.  I was contacted unexpectedly so my first reaction was to react but I chose to wait it out a bit until I could gather my thoughts.  This is a good thing to do in any situation.  Composure really does help ensure that you are very clear with your intentions.  He was apologizing and making all kinds of declarations of his feelings.  However he forgot one thing…I KNOW HIM.  His words have always been empty because of the lack of action behind them and as the conversation continued, I was transported back to that time.  I had no idea that I still had this ongoing list of things that I wished I had said to him.  And when the opportunity presented itself, well to put it nicely…I “Unleashed the Kraken”.  I said everything I have ever wanted to say and so much more.  Such a freeing and liberating experience.

I don’t share this story because I think everyone should call up their ex and unleash years’ worth of unresolved feelings.  Though that could be interesting.  I share it because many of us wish we had the opportunity to fully express ourselves at the end of a relationship.  How many of us have seen our friendships fade away without really understanding what happened?  Sometimes people just grow apart, but sometimes there is a misunderstanding that had you both communicated at the time – the rift could have been avoided.  People hate confrontation that so often it is less “scary” to just walk away than actually have a conversation about issue at hand.

In your life, do you have that THE EX?  Do feel like you have fully closed that chapter or is there ever a feeling that things were left unsaid?  We are not all given the gift I was of being able to say everything to the ex.  Grab a notebook or just sheet of paper.  Write them a Dear Ex letter and then crumple it up and throw it away.  You’ll be amazed by how much lighter you feel getting all those feelings out.

You deserve happiness.  True happiness comes from the inside.  By letting go of what holds you back – you are able to propel yourself forward towards the next adventure in your life.  Endings are sad but an ending is just beginning of something new.  We often dwell on what we don’t have in our lives that we miss all the possibilities around us.  Stay open, stay true and you may surprise yourself.  Opportunities are all around us.  All we have to do is look up.

It's Not You...It's Me

“It’s Not You It’s Me” may sound cliché.  But often times this is exactly what is meant.  Sometimes it’s the reverse – “It’s Not Me It’s You”.  In our lives we may have ended relationships with people who were great but they weren’t great for us.  People have ended relationships with us because we just weren’t a good fit for them.  I know many use this as a cop out.  No one wants to have that tough conversation when the other person wants to know “WHY” you are ending the relationship.  There is always a reason for the ending of a relationship.  It’s just a matter of if we get the real reason.

It’s hard not to take a break up personally.  We second guess everything we felt or said throughout the entire relationship trying to rationalize what we could have done differently to make you want to be with us.  Suddenly this person who we had lukewarm feelings for in the first place is the most important relationship of our lives and we need to know why they don’t want to be with us.  Often, those red flags we were seeing in the relationship now seem like little bumps in the road that we totally could have worked through.  All for the sake of being in a relationship.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Being single is not a disease.  We’ve all sat there making excuses for the ones we are with because we want to rationalize their behavior.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why someone acts the way they do except that they are not the ones for us.  Everyone goes through things in life.  People process emotions differently.  Some people pull away and just need space in order to figure things out.  Some people need more than space and need a break.  Hence the old Friends episode:  “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”  A break is not always a break up but sometimes it is.  Navigating this is part of relationships.  It’s not always easy, it’s often times messy but it’s also a part of life.

I look back on some of my relationships and think:

·         What the heck was I thinking?

·         How could they change so fast?

·         Wow, dodged a bullet there.

·         Why did I stay so long?

·         Did I not stay long enough?

It’s important to reflect and think about what happened in our relationships.  In some cases, we have to accept that we were wrong about the person.  Sometimes people are not who we believe or want them to be.  And sometimes they are exactly who they have always been but we chose not to look deep enough.  We try to rationalize warning signs because we want to be open and not judgmental.  However it’s important that we not simply breeze past those big orange cones warning us about danger ahead for the sake of trying to be open and non-judgmental. 

Have you ever found yourself saying things like:

·         They’ve got a lot going on right now.

·         I’m just giving them some time/space to figure things out.

·         He / She is just so busy with work.

·         They are really nice when you get to know them.

·         I know that when things settle down things will get back on track.

Relationships take work.  Guess what?  Everyone has a lot of things going on these days.  Between family, friends, and work – the amount of free time has become more and more limited.  The days of a true 9-5 job are gone.  Thanks to the fast paced world we now live in; we all need answers to even the easiest questions – NOW!  Thanks in large part to technology – people’s communication skills have suffered.  I know that I have said this before but communication is the building block of every good relationship.  We have to be able to work through our differences and celebrate our successes.  Being in a relationship does not mean that everything is instantly perfect.  Things are going to get messy.  You’re going to fight and disagree.  You’re going to love and laugh.  Make sure that you are not blinded by the bliss of being in a relationship that miss the important signs just ahead.