Thriving Through Grief

I’m sorry that I have been a bit M.I.A. lately.  I was dealing with a personal tragedy with the passing of my amazing grandpa.  It got me thinking about grief and the many different ways we deal with it.  I promise to get back to my lighthearted and thought provoking blogs that many of you have come to love.  However, since I do focus on personal growth and change in my blogs, I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to discuss grief and my thoughts on how to work through it.  This is a topic that many shy away from because it’s so personal.  There’s no textbook way of dealing with grief.  Everyone feels things differently.  I’ve been through many things in life and can only share what I have learned from my experiences in hopes of helping even just one person.

My grandpa was a shining light in this world.  Anyone who met him automatically loved him.  He just had this indescribable thing.  He had a zest for life and charisma to boot.  When he got sick, I experienced many moments of sadness/helplessness because I knew that life with him would be very different and that life without him was coming sooner than I was ready to accept.  Facing mortality head on really does put things into perspective.  I watched him come to grips with what was coming.  He did it with love, laughter, and till his very last breath; a passion for life. 

The emotional roller coaster has been quite the trip and I am reminded of why I don’t like roller coasters.  My nature is to be happy, upbeat, and optimistic.  Sadness, negativity, and dread do not sit well with me.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I apologized to my friends for being a “negative Nelly” or a “Debbie downer”.  They continuously reminded me that I was allowed to feel these emotions and that I am in no way a burden or being negative.  In those moments, I felt like I needed permission to allow myself to break down and feel these deep difficult emotions.  I am not sure why I felt I needed permission to feel it but I am glad that I ultimately allowed myself to experience them.

When people around me are having a tough time, I often tell them “It’s OK to have a tough time or a bad day; just don’t live there.”  Well now that I’m the one going through it…I have to follow my own advice.  Some days this has proven difficult.  I go through these moments of pure joy and laughter; where things feel “normal” and then it hits you like a ton of bricks – (cue the water works). 

When you are grieving - you are going to get sad, you’re going to get angry, and you’re going to feel a sense of relief.  I am relieved to know that he is no longer suffering.  Towards the end, he was not living his life as fully as he had before.  I would think to myself how cruel it was.  Knowing that he is now at peace has allowed me to be at peace with what has happened.  I carry the many beautiful memories we made with me every day. 

It’s important to channel your energy into positive ways.  Remembering our loved ones fondly and taking the best parts of them by incorporating them into our day to day lives.  Put into action the behaviors we hold most dear.  For me, as you may have guessed…my outlet is writing.  Find something that brings you joy and then just go out and do it.  I know he is watching over me and my family.  I hope that I continue to live my life with the passion, conviction, and fire with which my grandfather lived his.  

Perception is Reality?

I had a manager once who would always say Perception is Reality.  While I’ve always respected them and still do; I could never quite get behind this statement fully because Perception is not necessarily my reality…it’s the person doing the perceiving’s reality.  Who is to say that this person is right?  If someone misunderstands a message that I feel I have expressed clearly am I really wrong?  There’s definitely a middle ground somewhere.  I always strive to communicate as effectively as possible to avoid misunderstandings; however, when the person receiving information has their own preconceived notions – they are bound to misunderstand any statement that doesn’t fall in line with their belief system.

We are judged on a daily basis.  What we look like, what we sound like, how we dress – all come into question.  Our harshest critics are often ourselves; which is really unfortunate.  I spent years worrying about what other people thought about me.  Was I pretty enough?  Was I smart enough?  Was I thin enough?  The key here is “enough”.  Who decides what makes me “ENOUGH”?  I was trying to live up to the ideal that I thought people around me were setting for me.  Key word is thought. 

I am so happy that I grew up before the internet was around.  Yes, back in the stone ages when people passed notes about you in class or whispered behind your back.  There were no hate pages/posts popping up all over social media.  We had bullies and their words were powerful and hurtful but somehow many of us rose up and didn’t falter for long.  We weren’t glued to every word written about us and found a way to eventually figure out who we were and didn’t mind the “HATERS”.  When you take away the power of other people’s words, they can no longer hurt you.

Becoming comfortable in my own skin wasn’t about giving up on wanting to changes.  It was about loving the person I have become wholeheartedly.  When you accept who you are and don’t judge yourself for it…your whole attitude is different.  Any changes you try to make; your spirit understands are for the right reasons and not because of something anyone else said.  Changes become a part of your life as opposed to this chore you are just trying to get through.  For example, when I first started working out with my trainer years ago, I was doing it because that’s what I thought I should do.  My heart wasn’t in it.  I dreaded each workout and the lack of results showed.  Eventually, I changed my way of thinking and something just clicked.  These days, I look forward to training, pushing it hard, and trying new things.  I’m not where I want to be but I am closer than I was.

The perception I had was that I needed to change to be accepted by others.  The reality is that I chose to change because I wanted to and I don’t care what other people think.  When you do things for yourself the experience is much more rewarding than when you do it because other people are expecting you to do it.  Break it down even further.  When you do something nice for someone are you doing it because they expect you to and you expect the same in return or do you do it because it’s in you to do something nice for people without any expectations?

BE WHO YOU ARE.  LOVE WHO YOU ARE.  BECOME WHO YOU WANT TO BE.  

Most of all - do it for yourself and not because you believe that you have to do it for someone else to accept you.  YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Be kind to yourselves and each other.

New Year...New You?

Happy New Year Everyone!  I figured before we delve back into the world of relationship and dating blogs, I thought it might be nice to look at everyone’s obsessions with “RESOLUTIONS” & “REINVENTION”.  It's important to take a look inward before you commit to making outward changes.  Small changes in thinking can go a long way in making big changes in your life.

How many of us have said:

·         This is the year I get fit.

·         This is the year I’m going to travel.

·         This is the year I’m going to ..........

Why do we do this to ourselves?  If you want to get fit; that’s wonderful but why do you have to wait until the New Year rolls around to commit to it?  When you make a commitment to yourself that you would like to change – get moving.  Join the gym, do the videos, make better choices.  Don’t put it off – as Nike says…Just Do It!  Those of us who go to the gym have already seen how crowded the gyms have been the past couple weeks and it’s already getting easy to find parking and machines.  Resolutions are hard to keep if you're not ready to really commit to the them.

I can’t even begin to list how many times I have heard – New Year…New Me!  As a friend, I can’t help but wonder – what’s so bad about the “old” you?  I think you’re pretty great.  It’s part of the reason we’re friends in the first place.  Those of you have followed my blogs; you’ve come to know that I am all for growing, evolving, and learning.  A “new you” is just not necessary.  Just be YOU 2.0.  Having goals is great.  Reaching them won’t happen overnight.  Start with some short term and long term goals.  This will help you stay on course.  Maybe even enlist the help of a friend or family member to help hold you accountable for those goals.

New You?  Think about what that really means.  Why do you feel you want to be a “New You”?  Think about what you want to change and why.  Also, don’t forget to recognize the qualities you really love about yourself.  Often, we focus on what we want to change and we completely ignore what makes each of us so special.  Maybe by focusing more on the things you love about yourself and bringing those qualities to the forefront of your thinking – the things you feel you should change will actually work themselves out.

When you do an update on your cell phone…it doesn’t suddenly become a new phone.  It’s just that you’re now using an updated version with new features.  This is how you should view your own personal growth.  There’s no set timeline of when the internal updates happen to you.  It’s done whenever you’re truly ready to make the changes and the time is right.  Commit to being a better you and work at it throughout the year.  I am better today than I was yesterday but I am not as good as I will be tomorrow.

Looking forward to continuing our journey of growth and happiness in 2017!  We are all on a quest for greatness.  Only you know what “greatness” means to you.  Figure it out and work to achieve it.  

Let Go and Let Flow

“Let Go and Let Flow” seems like such an easy concept, right?  For many of us, it’s not so simple.  We carry around the pain, anger, and fear with us almost as a security blanket to make sure no one/nothing else can hurt us again.  Hmmm…a reoccurring theme of FEAR for my blogs.  Must be important.  We know that I believe that we need to turn Fear into Fire.  Check out my previous blog from May entitled Turning Fear into Fire to learn more about that.

I am who I am because of everything I've gone through.  The joy, the pain, the sadness, the loss…all of these events/emotions that have happened in my life, have shaped me and my beliefs.  What I have been learning over the past year is that I don’t need to be defined by those things.  In many cases, I am who I am in spite of the things that have happened.  I’ve taken those painful events and persevered.  This makes it easier to just "Let Go".

The choices we make are not always easy.  Things in life are not black and white.  Some people may not understand the choices you make because it’s not how they would handle the situation.  Remember, it’s your life.  We all have choices to make and whatever path is chosen…YOU are the one who has to deal with the outcome.  You do not need to explain your choices.  Own your feelings…own your decisions.

This time of year is a time of reflection.  We take stock of what we’ve done and what has happened to us.  We start to think about what we hope for in the year ahead.  Going through this can bring up emotions and feelings that you didn’t know you were carrying with you.  It’s easy to fall into old habits because it feels more comfortable and safe.  The truth is – when you’ve made the decision to truly make a change; the old behaviors will no longer feel that way for you.

The caption on the photo above says it best.  Let Go of Your Past and Your Past Will Let Go of You.  Think about what those words really mean.  If you don’t take the necessary steps to let go of your past circumstances…they are destined to continue to be a part of your life even when you know that you want to change.  I don’t think anyone consciously says “Gee, let me carry this extra emotional baggage.”  I believe we sometimes do it unknowingly.  Once we become more awake and aware of what is happening around us we can start let go of the things that no longer serve us.  The emotional baggage slowly disappears.

One of the best gifts you can give yourself is forgiveness.  Forgive those who have hurt you.  If you are going to continue to have them in your life; you must be honest with them about how they have made you feel.  You must be clear regarding what behaviors cannot continue if they are to be a part of your life.  Forgive yourself for your role in the relationships that were not positive.  You must be the star of your own story.  You have the power to choose the direction your life goes.

As the end of 2016 approaches, take a moment to think about where you were, where you are, and where you hope to go.  Emotionally take the necessary steps to get yourself prepared for the year ahead.  I can’t say it’ll be easy but I can say it’ll be worth it.

Match...As Seen on TV?

Here we are a few weeks after my horrific first date since joining Match.  I have not clicked with anyone since.  I know you may feel bad for me.  Please don’t.  Have no fear – I have not lost my faith in the process.  This is part of the fun.  Getting to see what works, what doesn’t and what should really NEVER happen.  It’s been an interesting adventure so far.  I’ve had a few short chats, some winks/emails with no follow up, and some interesting characters to say the least.   I am starting to think that the Wink feature on Match is the equivalent of "I'll call you" after a date.  Seems like a good thing to do/say but you never plan on actually doing anything about it.

We’ve seen those Match commercials with the guy who stops people on the street and shows them these amazing “men/women” in their area.  All of them look like models and are right there in “your backyard just waiting to meet you”.  He convinces them to create a profile to connect with those people right now.  With what I have experienced so far; I cannot help but wonder…where are those people?  I think many of us have made the mistake of watching an infomercial late at night and ended up ordering something “As Seen on TV” only to realize when we got it home that it was not quite what we expected.  There were way more instructions, more room for error, and it just took longer than it looked on TV to work properly.  Doesn’t that explain how dating online seems to work these days?

There are millions of success stories from online dating sites.  When I tried Match years ago, I did meet some very nice guys with the qualities I would be looking for today in the right person.  Problem is…back then; I just wasn’t at a place in my life where I really had a clear understanding of who I was and what I ultimately was looking for.  I’m sure today those guys have gotten married, started families, or are hopefully in happy/healthy relationships.  If not…call me!  So the search continues.

Here are some things I will never understand.  If you don’t want children (as noted on your profile), why respond to someone who says they definitely want children?  If you are well outside the age range that the person is looking for why even go there?  I don’t mean a year or two outside the range; I mean WELL outside the range.  Same goes for being geographically undesirable.  I would be remiss if I did not mention the photos that people choose.  Guys, many of us already think you never listen when we’re talking.  Why would you post photos of yourself wearing headphones or ear buds?  It’s like you’re advertising that you will never listen to what we are saying.

Photos that should be removed from dating sites (in no particular order):

·         Headphone/ear bud photos

·         Duck faces

·         Bathroom or mirror selfies

·         Attempted sexy poses

·         Gym selfies

·         Sitting in the car selfies

·         Landscape photos (without you in them)

·         Overly filtered/altered photos

I am sure the list could go on and on but these are just a few big ones to note.  If you connect with someone via email/text, eventually you are going to meet.  You want the other person to do a double-take because you look even better in person…not because they are trying to figure out who you are.  Let’s make sure we are all putting our best foot forward.

After my dating sabbatical the past few years; it has been quite interesting to examine how things have changed in the online world.  I can say with complete certainty that it’s never dull.  My friends both male and female have some amazing stories - some funny, some creepy, and some beautiful love stories.  I’m looking forward to continuing this journey and sharing my findings with you.  You never know…the next one could be that I have met Mr. Mine. 

Surviving Online Dating One Click or Wink at a Time

I’ve officially joined the online dating world.  You’ve read along as I wrote about it through my past experiences and the countless tales from my very brave friends.  Well now, prepare to get the good, bad, and downright ugly tales of dating in today’s day and age.  I opted to join Match as I generally met a different caliber person than on Plenty of Fish or some of the other sites.  Plus you really just can’t get away from the commercials of the guy talking to random people on the street about all these amazing people on Match.  Sucked in by advertising…but where are these so called amazing people you speak of?

When did online dating turn into Facebook or Instagram?  People just randomly view your pictures and like or comment on them but then they don’t actually take the next step which would be to communicate with you on a personal level.  Isn’t the point of this whole thing to actually meet someone?  Or someone winks at you and then nothing more.  Winking on Match is like poking someone on Facebook.  You’ve dipped your toes into the water…now jump in!

I want to preface this by saying that I truly understand how difficult it is to email a complete stranger based on a bunch of sentences they wrote on their profile.  There’s no need to go crazy with the opener.  I had one guy tell me “Your eyes are full of language”.  Honestly, I don’t think even he knows what that means.  Maybe start off simple…Say “Hi.  My name is ________.  From your profile it seems like we have some things in common”.  Then share some of the things they wrote that drew you in.  You’d be amazed how far a nice and simple introduction will go.

Now you’ve made contact.  Next, you wait.  There’s never a guarantee that you’re going to hear back.  Remember this is a two way street.  There have been men that I have messaged and never heard back from.  It’s OK.  I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and they are not all my glass of wine.  There’s no need to send reply after reply.  If someone is interested…wild horses couldn’t keep them away from replying.  A guy had sent me a message that simply said Hi.  10 minutes later…HELLO.  5 minutes later…UM HELLO???  This is not the best way to make a first impression.  I was not interested in him however this behavior made him less attractive. 

I did have a nice exchange with a guy for about a week.  He was funny and seemed to have a nice personality.  We had things in common though he was a fan of the wrong sports teams.  They can’t all be perfect.  As our conversations progressed during the week, I became a bit suspicious of his intentions as he was being overly flirtatious.  Some women enjoy this type of banter.  For me – that’s a flag.  Yes, we’ve been talking and texting but at the end of the day – we DO NOT know each other.  It seems premature to get so personal before meeting.  There are people who use sites like Match for a hook up.  It’s important that the person you are speaking with has a clear understanding of where you stand on this position and on any position that is important to you.  We all have different boundaries when it comes to online dating.  This does sometimes make it difficult for the other person to know the “rule book” but when it comes to dating there is no manual.  We write our own rules.

I decided to continue speaking with him but would make sure to check him on his antics if he crossed a line.  He would quickly apologize and would stop that behavior at least for the short term.  I agreed to meet him because you never know.  People can often be one way via text and be completely different in person.  It’s very easy to be bolder when you have a computer or phone protecting you.  We met somewhere casual.  Thought it would be a great way for us to get to know each other better.  Conversation was flowing just as easily as it had on the phone and text.  I was pleasantly surprised until after describing his career in detail he said, “Well, that’s about it when it comes to my mediocre life”.  While it was a very honest answer on his part…I felt bad for him in that moment.  Things in life are rarely perfect but mediocre is such a strong word to describe one’s entire life.  I’d say that if you are not content with the life you have – then take the bull by the horns and change it.  This is not the life that one lives when they are looking to find someone to share it with.  Who wants to share in a mediocre life?  I know I don’t.  So we continued on the now misadventure of our first and now only date.  While I tried to get the conversation back on a positive direction…it just continued on a downward negative spiral.  It became abundantly clear that our intentions for meeting one another were not the same.  Check please!

So now back to the drawing board or in this case – Match boards.  This was my first date in quite a while so I was happy to get in some practice.  Though I am sure it is more fun when it goes well.  Stay tuned for the adventures and misadventures.  My tip for anyone trying the online dating route…be mentally and emotionally ready for things to go well and be even more ready for things to go wrong.  Until you really get to know someone; don’t get overly invested in the things they say/do.  People will always show you who they are.

Happiness Is...

How do you define happiness?  I think it’s fair to say that happiness means different things to different people.  Our definition changes based on our life experiences.  When we were kids we were happy that the sun was shining, we had our toys, and crayons that weren’t broken.  As we get older, happiness takes more work or does it?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of happiness is: feeling pleasure and enjoyment because of your life, situation, etc.: showing or causing feelings of pleasure and enjoyment. : Pleased or glad about a particular situation, event, etc.
 

I consider myself to be a happy person.  Am I happy 24/7?  No.  Do I have a bad hour or bad day? Absolutely.  Overall though, I am happy.  There are many blessings in my life and those are the things that make it easy for me to be happy.  Are there things that I’d like to improve or change?  Of course – I’m human.  However those things that are not “perfect” do not define or limit my happiness.  These things only fuel me to be better...do more.

I hear people say things like “When I hit my goal weight, I’ll be happy” or “When I can fit in those jeans I’ll be happy” or “When I meet the right person, I’ll be happy”.  While these are all happy events; why put a timeline or limitation on YOUR happy.  Maybe if you’re already happy within, it’ll be easier for you to lose the weight because you won’t have so much pressure on yourself to be something and then you’ll fit into those jeans.  Maybe if you’re already happy within you’ll meet that person that will only ENHANCE your happiness not create it.

True Happiness comes from within.  It’s a compilation of many different feelings and emotions.  I know really HEAVY stuff, right?  It’s not created from material things.  Material things can bring you moments of joy.  However joy and happiness are not the same thing.  Joy is the action and happiness is the feeling.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of joy is: a: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires; b: the expression or exhibition of such emotion: a state of happiness or felicity; a source or cause of delight

At times of struggle or strife, it is important to take a step within and focus on what is truly important. It is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the negative feelings/emotions and lose sight of all the positive things in our lives.  I find that the toughest moments in my life have helped shape who I have become because I may have faltered but I fought my way back out of it.  We are not defined by how many times we fall…we are defined by how many times we get back up and make the necessary changes in our lives. 

I used to hate when people would tell me Change comes at the end of your comfort zone or If you always do what you always did – you’ll always get what you always got.  Now when I really pay attention to those words…they couldn’t be truer.  Sorry to all my friends who are now annoyed that I use these same phrases on you.

If you don’t make a change in your thinking…you will always remain the same.  I think back to how many times in my life I’ve said “I CAN’T” or just a stern “NO”…how many opportunities I may have missed out on because of the fear of failure or embarrassment.  Of course it’s “safer” to not try new things but we were not put on this Earth to just be safe. 

There are new adventures to be had.  How do you know what will truly bring you the most joy and happiness if you don’t go out in the world and experience new things and new adventures?  I spoke about turning Fear into Fire in one of my previous blogs.  If you really step out into the world and just try something different…you might just surprise yourself.  Let go of the pain you’ve felt in the past.  It doesn’t serve you anymore.  Take a leap of faith.  You have all the power you need within you to soar if only you just believe in yourself.  Challenge yourself. 

In an earlier blog I discussed the Gratitude Jar.  Maybe create yourself a Happy Happy Joy Joy Jar.  (OK, totally just aged myself).  How many of you just sang along?  Take small pieces of paper and whenever something happens that brings you joy or makes you feel happiness, write it down and put it in the jar.  When you’re having a tough day…pull out those pieces of paper and re-read the notes and you will be brought back to those happy and joyful moments and the issue at hand – won’t seem so dark.

So I will end this blog just as I started it.  This isn’t something that I can define for you but I hope I have helped you find ways to define it for yourself.

How do you define happiness?