Don’t Call it a Comeback

 
I’ve always been a huge LL Cool J fan.  Who knew, right?  Mama Said Knock You Out is one of my favorite songs.  It always gets me revved up and pumped to take on the world.  The line ‘Don’t call it a comeback I been here for years’ has always hit deep for me and as I continue to grow and evolve as a person – it’s taken on new meaning.
 
How many times have people counted us out? 
How many times have we taken ourselves out of the game? 
How many times have we put others before ourselves? 
How many of us has lost ourselves in the relationships we had?
 
When relationships end, we find ourselves in a place of having to figure out who we are without being defined by the relationship.  How do you go back to being a ME when you got so used to be a WE?  We talk about finding ourselves like we were lost.  We must stop losing ourselves in order to make relationships work.  You must play in active role in your life, or your needs will get lost.
 
The pandemic forced many of us to look inward.  Some became bakers - wowing all their social media followers with banana bread and sour dough bread pictures.  Some decided to go on a health & wellness journey.  Some relationships were just getting started while others had finally run their course.  I found myself taking stock of my life and asking questions like:
 
What/who in my life makes me happy & why?
What/who in my life makes me unhappy & why?
What are things I’d like to work on?
What are things in my life that I am proud of and want to continue doing?
 
On the surface these questions felt easy to answer, but when I sat down to really think about the answers to them – the process felt overwhelming.  Looking inward is not easy.  Being honest with yourself about personal things is not easy.  We’d like to believe that we are perfect and that nothing is ever our fault.  It’s always someone else who has done us wrong.  Hate to burst your bubble – no one is perfect.   
 
For example, your partner has been mistreating you for a while.  Basically, hitting you in the head with red flag after red flag.  Instead of seeing the red flags as red flags, you decide to put them together and make yourself a scarf.  When the relationship finally ends – who’s fault is it?  His for mistreating you or yours for not having the self-worth & gusto to walk away after seeing the red flags?  You can ask these questions in just about any scenario. 
 
I can tell you that when some of my past relationships ended – it took me longer to forgive myself for not leaving sooner than it did to forgive them for not treating me well.  That was a tough pill to swallow.  There comes a point in everyone’s life where enough is enough.  You pull yourself out of the darkness and find your truest self again.  This is the greatest gift you can give yourself. 
 
So just a few little tidbits to think about for yourself.
 
Don’t call it a comeback.  It’s actually more of a Glow Up.
You didn’t break up.  You had a breakthrough.
You’re not lost.  You’re taking the scenic route to discovering yourself.
You don’t have exes.  You have examples of what you don’t want in your next relationship.

Dating Post Pandemic

I know it’s been a very long time since I have written a blog, but I had to take a break.  I think sometimes we all hit a wall and need to step away.  One thing is for certain, dating has NOT gotten any easier as we venture into the post pandemic era of the Covid crisis.  Yes, I know there are variants etc.  Not relevant to this blog though.

I’ve recently signed up for a couple dating apps because I’m ready to find my person.  Notice I did not say Mr. Right.  Ladies & Gents – Mr. /Ms. Right does not exist.  I believe there is a person out there for everyone; they are not going to perfect, but they will be who you are meant to be with at that time in your life.  They may be a bit bruised/dented like cans at the grocery store.  Please do not ask for a discount.  The person you are meant to be with is worth the effort.

So far, I’ve met Mr. Scam Artist / Mr. NOT Single / Mr. Ghosted / Mr. Please Be My Mrs. Robinson (The Graduate – look it up).  For someone like myself who has dated for many years but been out of the game for a while it is a bit frustrating to see how tough it really is to meet quality people.  Some of these Misters are very easy to spot and dismiss but I’ll say the scam artists and the people who are not single though pretend to be on the apps have really stepped up their game the past few years.

Here’s what I have found with the Scam Artist (male/female):

·       Sentence structure and word choices tell you they are not from the US

·       Often, they will claim to be widowers, military, or are overseas for work.  Have young children which they use as a pawn.

·       They almost always suggest getting off the app to speak offline on What’s App or similar apps.

·       They will tell you every amazing thing you could imagine about yourself.  I mean – who doesn’t like to be complimented…these scammers take it to a whole other level.

·       Let’s not forget, they will somehow work into the conversation that they need some money and to please send as a gift card.  They will promise to pay you back when you meet.

·       The more recent add on to the list would be that they want to send you a package to hold for them.  Really, they want your address and as much personal info so they can destroy your life.

 Stay Woke!!!

 Mr. NOT Single is a sneaky one for sure.  These days it’s very common to meet people who are divorced or fresh out of other relationships.  How are we supposed to know if someone is divorced or lying?  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but after a recent encounter with this character, I may need to rethink my strategy a bit. 

 Story Time!  Let’s all sit in a circle on the story time rug and I’ll begin.

Once upon a time a beautiful maiden joined a dating app called Plenty of Guppies…oh sorry, I meant Plenty of Fish.  As she filtered through the suitors with their strong opening messages of Hi…she came across a message from a one fish who asked great questions – many of which were from her profile.  His responses were well thought out and witty.  Let’s call him Mr. Unicorn.  He said all the right things, he was consistent in communication by phone and text, and they were genuinely enjoying getting to know each other. 

They made plans for a date.  Yes, the ‘magical’ first date!  Everything was going swimmingly…no pun intended.  OK, maybe a little pun was intended.  The plan was made, rescheduled, bumped again, and then finally confirmed.  The maiden arrives to the restaurant to find that Mr. Unicorn is not coming by text.  Yes, he sent a text.  This must be a mistake.  The maiden calls him.  No answer.  She texts him.  Again, no reply.  This must be a joke.  This just cannot be.  The maiden drives home disappointed and confused.  

The maiden takes some time and then the investigation begins.  You know the saying - “A woman scorned does better research than the FBI”.  The fair maiden discovered that he’s not divorced.  He does not live in the town he said he lives in, and the name he gave is his middle name. 

We all know it’s his loss.  She’ll meet someone when she least expects it.  She dodged a bullet.  Better to know now than 6 months down the line.  There’s no doubt that all these statements are true.  But Mr. Unicorn hid those red flags very well and fooled the maiden.  At least initially.

There must be a moral to the story, right?  Yes, of course.  Unicorns don’t exist.  (I couldn’t resist)

Pay attention to inconsistencies no matter how subtle.  Dating doesn’t have to be an interview;  don’t be afraid to ask the important questions.  Don’t get caught up in “great on paper”.  Compliments are nice but when you don’t know each other they are empty.  Don’t get caught up in the future talk when you don’t know each other.  Think of it as one date at a time.  Until you are exclusive – they owe you nothing. 

What’s next you ask?  Sky’s the limit.  Never quit because it’s hard.  Push harder.

Until next time…Happy Fishing.